HA note: The following is reprinted with permission from Julie Anne Smith’s blog Spiritual Sounding Board. It was originally published on October 12, 2013 with the title “Homeschooled Adult Daughters Held Captive at Home, Prevented from Getting College Education.”
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“There are too many homeschooled girls who need help overcoming the legal obstacles their parents put in their path to a college education. It also bothers me that the leaders of the Christian homeschooling movement preach that young girls shouldn’t get a ‘regular’ education – that they should only be trained in domestic arts and ‘female’ tasks.”
~ Nick Ducote, “Reflections on Malala, Patriarchy, and Homeschool Advocacy”
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In an effort to “raise up a child in the way they should go,” some Christian homeschool parents are essentially kidnapping their daughters, only teaching “homemaking” skills, even denying and preventing them from getting a college education.
The father is involved in all aspects of his adult daughter’s lives until marriage.
Earlier this week, my young friend, Nicholas Ducote, co-founder of Homeschoolers Anonymous, wrote something that resonated with me. It hit me hard because this was a path our family was heading down. He was writing about the plight he has seen among a number of young ladies who are part of the “Homeschool Movement,” the subculture of fundamentalist Christians who adhere to the Patriarchal lifestyle in which the father is very involved in all aspects of his adult daughters’ lives, even through adulthood until they are married — married to a husband approved by the father.
Nick, a former homeschool student, has earned his Master’s degree. He knows the challenges he faced in getting his degrees. But it struck me how Nick was clearly upset about the injustices he saw facing his female homeschool peers.
In the Homeschool Movement, this educational imbalance among the sexes is not perceived as an injustice whatsoever. In fact, to even think of sending an adult daughter “off to school,” is to some, heretical. As recent as a month ago, a homeschool mom and friend of mine posted on Facebook that her adult daughters would not be going to college — that she and her husband “just don’t believe in that.”
It makes me wonder: did her parents make all of her decisions when she became an adult? Probably not.
Here is a screenshot I saved from a homeschool wives group on Facebook several months ago and you can see the similar mindset:
I used to believe this way.
In the Homeschool Movement, I was taught to believe that if we sent our daughters off to college, they would want to use that education, get a job, might even earn more money than their husbands. This was “not right” because husbands were supposed to be the breadwinners and mothers were to be busy at home with the children. They claimed this was all the work of feminists and the feminist influence on society was breaking up families and demeaning men.
Feminism was the cause of the moral decay in society.
I’ve been a homemaker for nearly 27 years. I have loved staying home with the children. It is wonderful for mom to stay home with her children. But is it the only way? Is it always possible? Is it really all that black and white as “they” portray it to be? Can we have decent families in which a mom works part-time?
Leaders in the Homeschool Movement spend an exorbitant amount of time selling their rhetoric in words and in materials (books, videos, blog articles) sharing what they believe to be the ultimate role of women as homemaker: how to be respectful and submissive wives, how to cook, sew, how to raise children, etc.
If you are a young girl raised in this environment, your know your lot in life is: get married to your approved husband, have many children, teach your children at home, and hopefully, your children will do the same.
It is important to note the basis of this ideology. The ultimate goal in the Homeschool Movement is to be fruitful and multiply and “take dominion” of the world. Dominionism and Reconstructionism are foundational roots from which everything in the movement is cultivated.
Nick then discussed a young lady who has been in the spotlight lately, Malala. If you are unfamiliar with Malala, I encourage you to read about this courageous young lady who is making her voice be heard in a country where women’s voices are squelched.
“Malala Yousafzai is a Pakistani school pupil and education activist from the town of Mingora in the Swat District of Pakistan’s northwestern Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province. She is known for her activism for rights to education and for women, especially in the Swat Valley, where the Taliban had at times banned girls from attending school. (Source)
Here is a video Nick included of Malala. The Taliban tried to assassinate this young lady because of her powerful voice and she survived and her voice is even stronger and now has international attention. Please listen to this amazing interview.
Nick writes:
What is especially disturbing is when you hear Malala talk about how the Taliban in the Swat Valley of Pakistan wants to take education away from girls. You would hope, in the 21st century, young women would have basic access to education.
I will be loud and proud about my homeschooling advocacy because my heart is broken on a regular basis when homeschooled teenagers trapped in fundamentalism contact me trapped, struggling to assert themselves and pursue the future they want. Sometimes parents deny FAFSA signatures, or they edit their transcript if they apply to an “unapproved” school. I have talked to homeschooled girls who were literally trafficked (for sex and for labor).
Some homeschooled adult daughters fare no better than Pakistani young ladies when it comes to education.
Nick is right. We expect this kind of thing in Pakistan, but not in the US. Some of these young ladies who have officially graduated from their homeschool high school are not allowed to even choose whether they go to college or not. College is simply not allowed. They are destined to be a “stay-at-home-daughter,” serving parents, helping with the remaining children at home, help with cooking, cleaning around the house, etc.
In the United States of America, we have young female adults — I said adults — who are living at the home of their Christian homeschooling parents, unable to make adult decisions of where they can live, where they can go to school, who they can be friends with, where they go on the internet, etc. They are essentially forced to follow the path of their parents. They are cut off from the outside because their internet use, cell phone use is highly monitored.
Now some of these young ladies go along with this without any dissension. This is the only life they’ve ever known. They have been sheltered from the “world” or society. Their friends are people from church, from homeschool groups, etc.
This is their norm.
Some may do fine with this. They will allow their parents to help select a husband for them, get married, have babies and continue living the legacy their parents planned for them.
However, there are other young ladies who want to explore life outside of the life and rule of their parents. They want the opportunity to go to school and further their education. But they are not allowed this opportunity. They are prevented. How can this be? In this day and age?
These parents hold the keys to their adult daughters’ freedom. They are the ones who decide whether they will turn over their signed homeschool high school transcript. They are the ones who must sign and turn over info for FAFSA documentation for financial aid. They decide whether their daughters can get a driver’s license, work outside the home, etc.
In the United States of America, there are young ladies held against their will in their parents’ homes and they are trapped.
They don’t know where to go. They don’t know how to escape. They don’t know how to get schooling. They are completely isolated.
This is happening in our country — the USA.
Homeschoolers Anonymous 
It’s not just college that a lot of these girls are denied, but high school as well. Several of my female acquaintances growing up in a fundamentalist group didn’t even get to algebra or real science or history, much less drivers licenses, because they spend all their time caring for siblings and running their homes. Once I started college (which my parents always encouraged), I was forbidden by their parents to speak to them at all for fear that I would corrupt them. I am now a part-time working homeschooling mother.
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Thank you all for bringing awareness about these very serious issues that ultimately effect all of humanity. What a travesty that we are living in the 21st century and people, movements, and cultures are still holding on to ideologies supporting slavery.
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While the oppression of women in rural Afghanistan and patriarchal American homeschooling is disturbing… I must say, as someone who has taught both sets how to debate, that these young women have such a grand capacity for critical thought when given the proper tools and training.
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Those quotes made me sick to my stomach. Those beliefs that women are worthless unless we’re having babies and who cares if we die in childbirth are so barbaric. It is absolutely horrifying that there are people in this day in age who believe this way.
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Girls should have choices. This makes me sad~
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Correction: affect
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Reblogged this on The Road.
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This seems to me, while a worthwhile subject for an article, a bit reductive and oversimplified. Just because we are the USA (read: greatest country in the world?) does not necessarily mean instances of abuse and removal of rights are unheard-of. In that same vein, just because it is Pakistan does not necessitate an atmosphere of austerity and cruelty. This binary is dangerous and Orientalist.
Furthermore, I understand the point of this article but take pause with the fact that the writer asserts that “part-time working mothers” might be possible and still make for a “decent” family. A woman can be child-free and this is acceptable, as well as full-time and part-time working mothers. It is unacceptable to mandate any sort of limit to choice and it is inherent in the language of this article. Read up on gender theory, religious studies, and sociology before going to far as deigning to allow me the right to be a part-time working mother.
Melissa (former homeschooler)
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Melissa: I am the writer. I think it’s important to consider where I am coming from. I am transitioning out of the Homeschool Movement. I was drinking that Kool-Aid for over 20 years and am slowly sifting through the rubble.
That said, I think you may have missed the most important messages of the article and I find that pretty sad.
This is not about Pakistani women, or US being the best country, or about moms working parti-time, gender theories, or sociology. It is about young women being held captive in their own homes knowingly or unknowingly against their will.
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You seem to have missed that the article is pointing out that Western media is criticizing and exoticizing Pakistan because religious extremists there try to prevent girls from going to school, yet the same media ignores that religious extremists in the USA also prevent girls from going to school.
The US media is being binary and Orientalist by focusing on Pakistan’s conflicts and ignoring that the same thing happens all over the world and in their own backyard.
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This happened to me. I wasn’t allowed to get my license until 18 and even still, it didn’t happen. I had to leave before I got it. My parents claimed they wanted me to get a job and go to college, but they refused to pay for it and told they would neither help me get a car or help transport me to and from a job. We lived several miles out of the nearest small town and the roads could not have been walked safely at all. This is all too common. Yes extremist christian parents do trap their daughters. My brother’s lives are completely different.
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Me too. My parents paid lip service to college (which I guess puts them 1 step ahead of the parents who don’t recognize that even if their daughters drink the kool-aide and try to continue the home-schooling lifestyle, their education-deprived daughters will be solely responsible for the education of their grandsons). But they refused to pay for college or sign anything so I could get financial aide. My brother was handed everything on a silver platter. Fortunately I live in the south so it’s possible to cut corners by being homeless. If I’d lived in the north I don’t think I ever would’ve been escaped.
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It’s so sad to hear this as a common theme. I was told my whole life how important college was, and then my parents refused to help pay for it (even though the FAFSA said they could afford it), and I had to beg and plead with them to get them to turn in the FAFSA, usually horribly late. I had to transfer schools multiple times (the transfer deadline for financial aid is later than for returning students).
What should have been the happiest years of my life were the most stressful, as my parents relished the opportunity to control my life one last time and try to force me to drop out so I would need a husband to support me. Thanks to a great boss and a scholarship I was able to graduate and become everything I wanted (that they hated). I didn’t get a vehicle until I was out of college, and it took a huge amount of effort to break away from the religious crazies that raised me. It’s sad to think that I was one of the lucky ones because I was able to get a scholarship.
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Yes, I think the desire to control daughters absolutely becomes so apparent when parents deny access to jobs, driver’s licenses, friends. banking, cell phones, etc. Some of this happened to me, and I know of more than one adult women who still lives at home after the age of thirty, unemployed, monitored, “waiting.” Their parents are so selfish, and so obviously calculating about keeping the daughters off the grid so that no one can find or help them.
I think we should also consider what kind of desperation this can create for the obedient daughter who never attracts a man, or anyone considering potential partners. A sense of desperation will drive people to stupid decisions.
I’ve tried to imagine how reaching out to these women could work, and it would require some intense networking, possibly fundie dress-up time, and real commitment to rebuilding their lives and not just creating a break from their families.
The Greek movie Dogtooth actually deals with the topic of parents extremely isolating their kids. I mention it because it was meaningful to me to realize that there was an awareness of this issue in broader culture. It’s an indie gentle-horror film, be aware, so hella triggering for lots of us.
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Reblogged this on christianagnostic and commented:
Just a sad article, that highlights one of my major concerns with the Christian Homeschooling movement…..
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Reblogged this on All Things are Yours and commented:
In some extremely patriarchical versions of homeschooling, adult daughters in the USA are not that much different from human trafficking victims – their lives (including marriages) are controlled by their parents. Scary.
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This is also way more common than anyone thinks. I was home-schooled and am currently homeschooling my children. I was contacted by an eighteen year-old who needed help who I knew through other homeschooling families. She moved out and is currently working two jobs, and going to school part-time. She wants to be a nurse but her parents wanted her to go to a christian school and become an elementary school teacher (they weren’t paying either way). They have denied her a Fafsa signature. And when she moved out forbid her to have any contact with her sisters. Just to clarify she is a good kid. A hard-worker, very goal oriented and she loves her family. Watching her struggle and knowing her family is purposefully blocking her is heart-breaking.
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Awww … poor sheltered homeschool girls.
They’d be much better off in an inner-city public school where the drop-out rate and teen pregnancy rate both top 50 percent — and then shuttled off to a public university to spend 6 years on a worthless bachelor’s degree they’re unlikely to finish while racking up debt; and then to turn around and shackle grandma and grandpa with raising their out-of-wedlock kids while working part-time at Wal-Mart to finance the pursuit of a slightly more valuable Associate’s-level certificate at the local junior college.
(Forgive the hyperbole, but I’ve seen that happen way too many times. Sure makes homemaking look better, doesn’t it?)
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That is not the logical alternative, any more than being in a gang with 12 children by 12 women is the logical alternative to locking grown men in their parents’ houses and refusing to allow them to be educated or autonomous. And no one said homemaking is bad, it’s holding women captive and refusing to allow them to live the lives they were created to live that is bad. But you probably knew that and just hoped we didn’t, right?
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Actually, the dropout rate and the teen pregnancy rate is nowhere near 50%, but you’ve just proven that you have an agenda.
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Andy, If you were homeschooled, your lack of empathy for half the human race is as much an indictment of homeschooling as all the horror stories I’ve read these past months. Because you were taught otherwise, your contempt for women isn’t all your fault. But shame on you if you don’t try to better your outlook through normal education. If you’re a Christian, imagine facing your lord with such a callous outlook. As a Secular Humanist, I don’t believe in hell, so if you’re to become a better person, you have to do it yourself with help from other people. Please start…you’ll like yourself more and live a happier life.
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No, it doesn’t make homeschooling look better. In one situation the woman has a choice, and in the other situation she doesn’t. A man like you would never be able to understand what it is like to be treated like a piece of property to be bought, sold, and controlled. I am going to assume you would never agree to be shackled and treated like a slave your whole life to ‘protect’ you from the big bad world. Your views on women are disgusting.
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One of the worst things that can happen to any person is, I believe, taking away their freedom. I can guarantee you, many homeschooled girls have looked at those same inner-city girls and longed to be in their shoes. Loss of freedom is a terrible thing to bear, for anyone. You haven’t lived it, so please don’t mock something you don’t know anything about.
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“I’ve seen that happen way too many times.”
lol, I doubt it. Your ignorance of all the issues you’re talking about is readily apparent to anyone who has any experience with inner-city public schools, which I have both attended and taught in.
Also, by limiting your scope to inner-city schools, by which I assume you mean high-needs urban schools in low-income areas, you are talking about problems that have more to do with poverty than the type of schooling. Did you think it was going to be news to anyone that it sucks to be poor and to have your schools underfunded, your ability to pay for higher education in doubt and your opportunities to get decent-paying jobs limited? Do you think homeschooled girls never end up poor, under-educated mothers of children that they can’t properly care for? Give me a break.
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How exactly is not being able to read because mom is too busy caring for 4 other children to teach you to read while she relies on you to make a dinner for 8? Forgive the hyperbole but at least these “public school” students you are referring to would be able to read unlike many homeschool daughters that simply aren’t given the chance. The difference you are failing to see is that these “public schools” give children the opportunity to learn despite their lack-luster parents. It’s what they do with that opportunity that makes the difference. These homeschooled daughters don’t even have that opportunity.
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Could be a troll or just someone totally tone-deaf who missed the point of the article, and wanted to miss it. Doesn’t matter which. What a horrible situation to be in.
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I am sad that these parents probably think what they are doing is the best, not asking God for His Truth, but trusting the voice of a particular movement. We stopped going to our state homeschool conference many years ago (though we continued to homeschool), because I felt oppressed by their agenda. I was hearing how shelting my kids at home, schooling them with only Christianized curriculum, keeping them away from youth groups and other “fools”, etc. would result in children with amazing character and great test scores. These were not choices we felt comfortable making and I resented the guilt I felt for not conforming, mostly because my kids had learning disabilities and less than ideal behavior. I began looking at other healthy and successful Christian families, especially at my pastor’s family. They homeschooled with the same material we used: a classical, literature based curriculum from a Christian company which was not afraid to make kids really think about all sorts of issues. Their kids were actively involved in our church: A.W.A.N.A., youth groups, camps, etc. (as were ours). Then we watched them send each of their high schoolers to public school! And they thrived! Their example seemed to say to me, “See, there are many right ways to do this parenting gig.” Over the years, my children have each had different experiences in their educational careers. It has been difficult at times to silence the voices that fight for my attention, trying to listen only to the One who set me free, but I am so thankful I am growing and learning how to encourage and guide my children as they make adult choices in their young adult lives. (I do caution that there may be families who appear to have the mentality (mentioned in this article) about their girls who may NOT be being abusive or restrictive at all. We need to be careful not to judge without knowing all the facts.) Okay, I need to run now. My little guys are begging for food! 🙂
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http://researchedparenting.blogspot.ca/2013/11/how-much-should-we-educate-our.html This debate rings true in our area too
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To anyone reading worried about their parents signing a FASFA call or visit any public university admissions and legal department. You can get around a parents signature. A well written essay describing these struggles is also a hotter ticket than you may realize for admissions/scholarships. They love the underdog.
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I wish, Peter. I went to the financial aid department with a letter from my employer of 2 years, my therapist, my landlady of 2 years, nasty emails from my parents refusing me, and a personal letter…. and CRIED… and I was turned down.
I ended up winning a scholarship and working another year to save up money. I am about to graduate this year with and Associates in Arts. My dream was deferred, but never lost.
My point is that sometimes they dont give a crap about the underdog and dont care how much your story hurts.
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Did not know this!
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The only thing I agree with Mary Pride was on college. A lot of learning is being self-taught over a lifetime. I think proverbs 30 has a good idea that a woman that is in charge of her household can make extra money, sewing, canning, making cards, jewelry and so worth. Pride is right many folks are not trained for a skilled. There is a demand for plumbers, more skilled carpenters and so forth that the current educational system which leads to a died end service job if you don’t go to college on one hand and too many college graduates on the other for management and professional jobs leads to. Many people are complaining about both young men and women college graduates that wait on tables since there is a surplus of people in sales and marketing, education and so forth working.The maker movement which is full of geeks that do have college can help since involves making 3-d printers and manufacturing equipment more in available to the general public to make their own toys, household appliances and so frth and sell some of the surplus as profit.
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It would not surprise me that the geeks in the maker movement probably have a higher than average home schooled group since they want to make things at home and sell them at maker faires and the internet and so forth. Maybe, the home school movement lead also to people thinking that not only school can be done at home but making toys and furniture and tool appliances can be done as well. In fact there are many young women wanting to do welding and young guys that want to sew in the maker movement.
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Several other teenagers had designed and made their own clothes. One did research to make a historically accurate costume for a theatrical performance. Another took her fashion-of-another-country to her homeschool geography club meeting, where she performed a culturally significant dance wearing the costume and made a presentation about the country.
– See more at: http://www.thehomeschoolmom.com/homeschooling-fashion-unit-study/#sthash.HGX8RWZ9.dpuf. Think even if these girls don’t go to fashion college or a regular college they have skills that your average girl doesn’t on desiging and making clothes that could get you a job with a major fashion company, theatre productions or movies of TV.
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These women should be told to take the General Education Diploma exam (GED) which is a high-school equivalent. There are even places where they tutor you on how to take it. Then apply for financial aid. If you have no income and no assets you should get something, and there are always loans.
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I absolutely agree with the main points of this article. My only issue is your line “Some homeschooled adult daughters fare no better than Pakistani young ladies when it comes to education. Nick is right. We expect this kind of thing in Pakistan, but not in the US.” PLEASE do not speak about Pakistan as if the whole country is like this. My mother (from Pakistan) and all my aunts have gotten college educations. I am getting a university education and all my female cousins are free to go to college, it’s not even a question (it’s their decision to decide ultimately). Please specify the place you are referring to in your whole discussion of Malala, stop generalizing a whole country and my people. That whole sentence read like a colonialist’s description of a ‘far off land of backwards people’.
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A Georgia Mom’s Open Letter Regarding Anna Duggar
“JESSICA KIRKLAND’S FULL ‘BREATHE FIRE’ POST
I know everybody is laughing about this Josh Duggar story. Oh, a DUGGAR on Ashley Madison, it’s so rich! I wish more people would talk about Anna. I normally keep things light on Facebook, but let’s talk about Anna. Let me tell you: Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. Anna Duggar was taught that her sole purpose in life, the most meaningful thing she could do, was to be chaste and proper, a devout wife, and a mother. Anna Duggar did that! Anna Duggar followed the rules that were imposed on her from the get-go and this is what she got in reward- a husband who she found out, in the span of six months, not only molested his own sisters, but was unfaithful to her in the most humiliating way possible. While she was fulfilling her “duty” of providing him with four children and raising them. She lived up to the standard that men set for her of being chaste and Godly and in return, the man who demanded this of her sought women who were the opposite. “Be this,” they told her. She was. It wasn’t enough.
What is Anna Duggar supposed to do? She can’t divorce because the religious environment she was brought up would blame her and ostracize her for it. Even if she would risk that, she has no education and no work experience to fall back on, so how does she support her kids? From where could she summon the ability to turn her back on everything she ever held to be sacred and safe? Her beliefs, the very thing she would turn to for comfort in this kind of crisis, are the VERY REASON she is in this predicament in the first place. How can she reconcile this? Her parents have utterly, utterly failed her. Think of this: somewhere, Anna Duggar is sitting in prayer, praying not for the strength to get out and stand on her own, but for the strength to stand by this man she is unfortunately married to. To lower herself so that he may rise up on her back.
As a mother of daughters, this makes me ill. Parents, WE MUST DO BETTER BY OUR DAUGHTERS. Boys, men, are born with power. Girls have to command it for themselves. They aren’t given it. They assume it and take it. But you have to teach them to do it, that they can do it. We HAVE to teach our daughters that they are not beholden to men like this. That they don’t have to marry a man their father deems ‘acceptable’ and then stay married to that man long, long after he proved himself UNACCEPTABLE. Educate them. Empower them. Give them the tools they need to survive, on their own if they must. Josh Duggar should be cowering in fear of Anna Duggar right now. Cowering. He isn’t, but he should be. He should be quaking in fear that the house might fall down around them if he’s in the same room as she. Please, instill your daughters with the resolve to make a man cower if he must. To say “I don’t deserve this, and my children don’t deserve this.” I wish someone had ever, just once, told Anna she was capable of this. That she knew she is. As for my girls, I’ll raise them to think they breathe fire.”
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” I was taught to believe that if we sent our daughters off to college, they would want to use that education, get a job, might even earn more money than their husbands.”
I realize this article is almost two years old but I still have to ask – what the heck is wrong with getting an education, a job and possibly even earning MORE money than their husband (or father)? I’ve outearned my husband for YEARS thanks to my brains, my education, my drive and it has only benefited my family. Heck, I’ve provided the family health insurance for almost 25 years now! Exactly how has that harmed anyone?
I need an interpreter for this world because the nuances are getting lost in the translation.
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Some time ago I had a girl in a young women’s group that I lead, who had returned from homeschool to public high school and really seemed to be integrating well with the other students, making friends, and enjoying her classes. All of a sudden – the parents decided to pull her back out of school, have her quit the group, and basically terminated her education (she had been at a sophomore level). I don’t know whether something happened at school or they just thought better of the decision. The last I heard, this girl, who is or at least was a happy, lively and very smart young lady, had “decided” to wait at home for her future husband to come along. The plan is, the girl will now be married as soon as someone suitable is found and will embark on her own family and motherhood without further delay. She is now cut off from all her former friends, including my own daughter, and I find that so sad because I really enjoyed her company, she was a delight.
I just cannot imagine how parents, in this day and age, can so intentionally and willfully hobble and disable a child like this. What would happen if the future husband couldn’t or wouldn’t work? What would happen if he turned out to be abusive or unsuitable as a husband or partner? It just seems crazy, to deliberately choose for your own daughter that she would be completely dependent on some other, unknown person!
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I am sorry to hear that this is the case for some young women. I am a homeschooling mom who has educated three daughters K-12. My oldest has a bachelor’s and my middle daughter is a college senior. They both are working on going to graduate school. I spent most of a day this week with my youngest doing college searches and planning visits. We are friends with many other homeschooling families across the country and do not know one family who has refused to allow their daughters to attend college. Quite frankly, the reverse is true. They work hard to prepare their girls to pursue higher education of some sort. While I cannot refute that what this article says is true, I cannot say that in my 20+ years of home education I have seen it or heard it taught at any of the many home school coventions I attended.
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