Home Is Where The Hurt Is: Mary’s Story, Conclusion
HA notes: The author’s name has been changed to ensure anonymity. “Mary” is a pseudonym. The following series is an original non-fiction story that spans 33 pages of single-spaced sentences. It will be divided into 10 parts. The story begins during the author’s early childhood and goes up to the present. At each stage the author writes according to the age she is at.
Trigger warnings: various parts of this story contain descriptions of graphic, often sadistic, physical abuse of children, apologisms for religious abuse, deprivation of food, as well as references to rape.
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In this series: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Conclusion
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Conclusion: My Parents Were Not The “Fringe”
I am “Mary” and I would like to follow up my story with this.
Reading so many things and other peoples’ stories, I feel that there are some things I should make very clear for any homeschoolers or homeschool supporters as well as any skeptics who would otherwise want to discredit my story or claim that my parents were the “fringe lunatics.”
If you didn’t figure it out reading my story, I am the 2nd oldest of eight children and the oldest girl. I was 12 and 15 when my two youngest brothers were born and as a result, we have more of a mother/son relationship than a sister/brother relationship. They are the two still with my parents and have yet to be involved with the rest of us in the exposing of and healing from our past. All the rest of my siblings however, have all read my story and confirmed it with their memories and their own stories. That is six of us that all agree on what happened. It makes me angry that I even feel like I have to defend the accuracy of my story and that people would think that I would actually make this stuff up.
As for my parents, I can assure you that they were not the “fringe” in homeschooling. My dad has an amazing job and they are very well off financially. Dad served as the president of the home schooling organization in our state for quite a few years. They have volunteered at church since I was little, helped out in AWANA, taught Sunday school, kept the nursery, volunteered at other church events, helped organize and plan the homeschool conference in our state every year, volunteered in debate, teach Good News Clubs, host homeschool events in their home and generally keep their reputation about as squeaky clean as is possible.
Mom rarely took us out to the store or anywhere other then the random homeschool field trip during school hours, for fear that someone might notice something. If she did end up having too, we were required to stay in the van (which had heavily tinted windows) while she went inside alone. There were many times we were stuck in our brown van (I specify color to say that it soaked up heat like crazy) during the middle of the summer and we lived in a state that got well into the upper 90’s and lower 100’s. We were not allowed to open the windows because she didn’t want anyone in the parking lot to hear us.
At church we were the model family. My siblings and I lived in utter terror of what would happen to us if we dared misbehave or say anything that they deemed inappropriate while at church or anywhere else out. Nearly a weekly lecture that we received on the way to church was that anything that happened in our household was not to be talked about and was not anyone else’s business. On Sundays, when we had been made to stay up the entire night before, they would force us to drink coffee so that no one would notice how tired we were. Grandparents lived a state away and we only saw them a couple of times a year so they didn’t see us enough to really have to ability to notice anything. Also, we were all so ashamed of our punishments and what happened that it totally mortified us to think about admitting to our grandparents how “bad” we were and how we were punished.
As far as friends go, most of us didn’t have any. My sister “Abby” and I were really the only ones that did and one of them moved away when we were young and any interaction with the other one was very heavily monitored. She was welcome to come to our house some of the time but anytime we made plans to go to her house, mom would always figure out a way to cancel it without it looking too suspicious.
My parents did a masterful job of covering up and to this day are revered and treated as role models by church members that I grew up around. There have been a few people that have believed me and my siblings, but the vast majority of them are convinced that my siblings and I are making everything up to purposely ruin our parents’ lives and are convinced that all of us older ones are living in rebellion and have rejected God and everything else we have been taught. When I did report my parents to DSS last year, they did a masterful job of dragging my name through the mud and making the general reaction from others to be pitying my parents for having such an evil daughter. When two of my sisters and I met with the social worker about my parents, I gave them my story that you just read and “Abby” gave hers (which is just as horrible, only I think maybe a little worse because she tried to kill herself a few times and has fought two eating disorders).
I will never understand why they did not remove my brothers from the home.
In my opinion the system is very broken.
So here I sit. I have been blamed for our families’ problems, pretty much cut off from contact with my very beloved brothers because they are still with my parents. I am trying desperately to figure out how in the world to be a good mother to my own two precious treasures. I am dealing with major medical and emotional problems that are a direct result of the abuse I endured. And I am financially struggling because my husband has had major difficulty finding work and we have to pay for all the medical issues. And I am struggling with the constant fear that something might happen to my husband — making him unable to provide for our family and knowing that I could never do it as I have no degree (this is not a groundless fear as my husband has already had a ruptured disk in his back and still has major back issues and heart disease runs in his family).
This is why I shared my story with HA.
I want to support them and I want my voice heard.
I am so very tired of being the bad guy in my family’s sphere of influence. I know that may never change but at least others may believe me.
End of series.
Homeschoolers Anonymous 
I believe you. 🙂
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I believe you, too.
And I believe that you are an amazing human being.
Thank you, Mary, for sharing your story, as hard as I’m sure it was to do so. I hope that it can help others in similar situations. Blessings to you in your life’s journey.
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I believe you.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I support you completely.
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I totally believe your story. I have struggled to read each one, having to fortify myself before plunging in, but I think this conclusion is going to drive me the most crazy. It boggles my mind that there is a world where other families in a homeschooling community demonstrate such blind naivete towards what seems like such obvious child abuse. Even I thought your family must have been in the fringe, but I guess this isn’t the case.
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Mary, I believe you. I wish that your life had been different, but I admire your survival and your willingness to tell your story, whatever the cost. Thank you.
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Mary, there’s a common theme here that I’m noticing—these things happen in even the most prominent, perfect-seeming homeschool families. It’s not just something you can pan off as some sort of crazy fringe. Sometimes homeschool leaders and homeschool pioneers themselves are abusive.
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Thank you for sharing your story and for your perseverance. I was hoping your story would end with a heroic rescue of the remaining siblings but it wasn’t for lack of trying on your part. I’m wondering if your parents, your mother specifically, had a mental illness. She seemed to definitely resent being responsible for the care of so many children. As a mother of three, I have relished the freedom as the kids go off to school. I have never had to find outm but I shudder to think that I could also be sucked into a vortex of sadistically abusing my children if I had more children than I was capable of caring for and was stuck trying to homeschool them. Of course I would not have been burdened with the religious baggage which is a toxic ingredient in the whole mix..
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I’m wondering the same. The headaches she mentioned in the first part were really telling that something was definitely broken. Postpartum psychosis maybe? The most evil one here, to me, was the father who just allowed this to happen.
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Reading your story, especially about how well-hidden the abuse was from the rest of society and your peers, reminded me of a story my grandmother once told me. She said she was visiting the home of some acquaintance, and their little girl was being rambunctious around the guests. The mother pulled her aside and whispered something briefly in her ear. The girl immediately changed her behavior and was silent and still for the rest of the night. My grandmother spoke of how impressed she was with how disciplined and well-behaved the little girl was, but I felt uneasy about it. Did the mother threaten her? What could have gotten that reaction out of a child? When I read your story, I could easily see you or your siblings reacting that way in response to your mother’s words.
It’s scary to think of how bad things can be behind closed doors without any outside evidence. I’d like to know better how to read the hidden signals. Does anyone have any advice?
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I believe you. You aren’t crazy; you aren’t making things up. I know so because I’ve experienced just a touch of what you have, and I hear my own heart in your pain. What you lived through was vicious and horrific, but you will live again. Your heart will be free, you will fear no one, and what haunts you now will be covered in grace.
Take heart.
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Thank you for sharing your story Mary. Your story made me so sad for you and your siblings who went (are going) thru this but even more so it makes me so angry. I cannot fathom treating children like that day after day and I cannot understand why social services did not remove your brothers from that home. It seems like everyone all around is failing to protect the innocent. Like Lynn above, and especially as a mom that homeschools, I wonder how we can be more vigilant about recognizing signs and helping the children around us. I would like to think that I would recognize abuse of the children I am around but all these stories I’m reading make me second guess myself…
Thank you again for sharing your story. I pray that you and your brothers and sisters can find healing and happiness.
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i believe you and i am so, so sorry. i hope everyone, especially anyone who knows homeschoolers, takes this to heart as not a freak happening, but as a very real possibility. I know neither of us are saying that all homeschool parents abuse their children, but it happens and homeschooling makes it much easier. I am so sorry no one ever stopped your parents, and that your brothers are still at home. I know that must hurt so badly.
I would like to say that if i were your friend, i would have tried to get my parents to stop all this. but i probably wouldn’t have. i’ve seen signs of trouble before in other families and brushed it all off as a misunderstanding, because ‘real abuse is so rare’. i will pay attention to the children I know, and maybe we who have heard you can honor your past and protect children.
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A college degree is not out of reach for you. I can tell from your well-written story that you are very intelligent. Community college tuition is still reasonable, and with your husband out of work you will probably qualify for financial aid. Now most community college have online classes that you can take at home.
Perhaps now is not the best time to enroll in college, because you are still struggling with emotional and medical issues as well as the care of two little ones. But keep it in mind for the future, as you continue to recover.
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You are not crazy. You are not making stuff up. The way you and your siblings were treated was abusive, and it is far more widespread than anyone wants to admit. The isolation and extreme control exercised by homeschool parents is a breeding ground for abuse. I could relate to many things in your story. Things my parents now deny or minimize. When I started talking about my experience in childhood, I was told I was exaggerating, or that my parents were the extremist fringe crazies. When my parents found out, they accused me of slander, told me I was “seeing things through the usual melissa filter” etc. You are very brave to have reported the abuse. One of my regrets is that I didn’t do the same when I moved out and the abuse was still going on. I have confirmed again and again that in the last 2 years physical abuse has ceased, but if I heard anything similar to what happened when I was a kid was happening to my siblings, I wouldn’t hesitate to report. I’m so sorry your baby brothers are stuck in that mess. I agree, the “system” has failed you and your siblings. In many states in the US this continues to happen, and that is not OK.
Also, I wanted to let you know that you don’t have to be afraid of your husband being unable to work. I have never had any formal schooling, no college at all, no certifications. I had no job experience. And last year when my spouse was fired I was put in the position of supporting our family of 6 for the first time. It was scary and intense. It took me 3 months to find a place that would give me a shot, and let me try a trial part time job. We got on assistance and took out a loan to pay our rent. But in that year, I have more than proved myself. My pay was raised 4 times, I was a head night-shifter for a while, and now almost one year later I’ve been moved to daytime hours and full-time. For the first time I make enough to pay all the bills, and all in an average food-service type job. Don’t underestimate yourself.
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I believe you. My siblings and I weren’t abused ourselves, but I’ve seen how “Good Christian Parents” stick up for one another. No one ever believes the kids. If kids report abusive behavior by their parents church members and homeschool friends start praying for their hearts to be cleansed of rebellion.
Your story was absolutely heart breaking, and I’m amazed that you are alive to tell it. Keep fighting! If you came through all that you must be an amazingly strong person.
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Thank You “Mary”, I BELIEVE YOU<3
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I believe you.
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I believe you. There are so many silent abuses in families. I’m hugging you right now. I want you to know you are loved and you are doing so much already by loving your children the way all children should be loved, unconditionally. 🙂
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Mary, your story has been heartbreaking & convicting. I grew up surrounded by the homeschool movement & my husband attended a SGM church for awhile, where if you did NOT homeschool, it was considered odd….I often wondered about the obsession and now I wonder how many children could have been living the same nightmare as you & your siblings. Please don’t give up girl!! You are so courageous….I will be praying for healing & grace to continue to conquer your past! God Bless brave lady!!
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I had many emotions running through me while reading your story the past few weeks. Doubt was NEVER one of them. Stay strong, Mary.
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I absolutely believe you – the things you and your siblings have experienced cannot be made up.
You’re correct – the system is broken and children fall through the cracks daily for a myriad of unacceptable reasons.
I’d encourage you to contact the State Bar where you live for referrals to attorneys that handle these types of cases. There are good people out there and I have a very strong feeling you’ll find someone to help you, at no charge, rescue your siblings that are still at home.
You’re in my thoughts. Your courage and strength are to be admired.
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I appreciate you sharing your story and info believe it. Unfortunately it’s all too common. I’m wondering if you can clarify your moms medical issues/headaches you mentioned early on. Was she an alcoholic or severely depressed? What about the sexual abuse you mentioned, was that implicating your father? Why do you think your parents were so vicious? It’s so hard to comprehend. I’m do sorry.
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I believe you. My parents weren’t hs’ers, but my mother was/is a crazy fundamentalist who believed that because she was “saved” that it was therefore not possible for her to make any real mistakes in her parenting. (Don’t ask.) She believed/s that girls and women are dirty and gross and are responsible for most of the sins that men do. Hence my brothers could do no wrong, and I could do no right. Many of the punishments you described were horribly and painfully familiar, but to compound my pain is the fact that my brothers, who were treated like kings, deny it all and say I just made it all up. I do have some witnesses – a girl who lived with us for a while, some friends who were there when my parents lost control – but overall, my entire family says I’m lying. Needless to say, I don’t talk to any of them anymore.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am thankful that I wasn’t homeschooled, because at least I had an escape a few hours a day and I’m so sorry that you did not. I am sorry for all that happened to you and proud of you for having the guts to speak up about it and to break the cycle instead of passing it on to yet another generation. I hope your financial situation improves. Keep telling your story.
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I believe you. I would even give money. Trying to be a mother when one has not been mothered is heart-wrenching. I do have the same question as Shannon. As you get older and more distant, is there any explanation for the hearts of those who read your story about how parents, especially you mom. could abuse her children so chronically? Absolutely heart-wrenching. I’m so sorry, sweetie.
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I believe you.
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This so touched me in a way I can’t even describe..I cried feeling your pain and remembering my own memories of lining up in front of my mother for yet another “spanking” I never realized before there were others…My Mother used to give us the same speech about rebellious kids getting stoned to death. I got kicked out at 17 for calling the cops they did nothing then I went to dcfs they did nothing..Said I wasn’t living there so my story can’t be used! I felt like I abandoned my siblings..I still do. I am the fourth of 12 kids…my older brothers are a lot older than me and I was the first to do anything…Its hard…but keep fighting thankyou for sharing I know how hard it must have been for you to say all of this…out loud at least
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I believe you too. And what courage you have, to be the person to sound the alarm and get some of your siblings out. Your parents ought to be in jail.
I know there’s nothing that can give you and your siblings your childhoods back, but I hope your parents are either suitably punished for their actions or come to realize just how heinous their conduct was and abjectly beg for your forgiveness. Preferably both.
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I have gotten a bunch of questions since the conclusion of my story and I have tried to answer them all here in one comment.
About my mom’s medical issues:
Really the bottom line on this is I don’t know because mom stopped going to the doctor and stopped taking us when I was about 10 or 11, but me and my siblings have some theories. I am pretty sure she is bi-polar. She never figured out why she had migraines all the time, but I am sure it’s because she was stressing and angry all the time. As far as explaining away treating her children the way she did, she and dad still hold to the fact that we were rebellious and thus deserving of everything we got. A councilor that my sister “Abby” and I met with explained it this way. He said that the “rebellious children” were the fronts that our parents had to give us to even come close to excusing away their actions, which would have been horrible even if we had been the rebellious children that our parents claimed we were.
About my dad/sexual abuse:
Again the bottom line is that I don’t know if dad did do anything to me, I don’t remember anything that he did and honestly at this point if he did do anything to me, then I don’t want to remember it. I have so many other things to heal from and I don’t need anything else. I do want to make very clear that he was just as much involved in the abuse as mom was though. The reason that he is left mainly out of my story is because I was trying to stay true to what my mindset was at the age I was in each part and until I hit about 22 I was always trying to excuse dad and make mom the villain. Mainly because I have always craved that “daddy/daughter” relationship that I saw others have and I didn’t want him to be as guilty. This caused some tension between me and “Abby” for a time because she felt like I wasn’t validating the pain he caused her because I was purposefully overlooking his involvement. Looking back now, it is all very clear. It took me 3 years to write my story all out because it was so emotionally draining and in all that time spent remembering and writing, I see how mean and abusive he was too, his was just a little more subtle and passive. Since I admitted to myself dad’s actual involvement, I have had major trouble being around him. He totally creeps me out (and has for a while) and pretty much all my sisters and their female friends say that he creeps them out too. I have also had a ton of rage come out against him in the last couple of years starting when my daughter was born a little over 2 years ago. I remember when my parents came to see us in the hospital after she was born and mom had been holding her for a little bit, I was suddenly horrified and sick to my stomach as I watched dad go over and take her from mom. It took everything in me not to scream at him to put my daughter down and never touch her again. The intensity with which that rage hit me really shocked me. Dad holding my son had not been a problem when I had him, but I suddenly couldn’t handle it when it was my baby girl.
I hope this answers most of the questions.
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Mary, I absolutely believe you. You and Abby are amazing women to have survived such an unrelentingly bleak childhood. I hope you’ll get, or continue to get therapy to work through this. Also, your reaction to your father holding your little girl is telling. Don’t ignore that feeling.
I hope you’ll consider speaking to Legal Aid about getting your brothers out of that house, and also perhaps consider going to the press. I mean every newspaper in your home state, as well as magazines like Christianity Today, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Woman’s Day, and so on. Your story is so important, and you tell it well.
Much love and strength to you.
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Well said, Rachel.
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Mary, I believe you 100%. I truly hope your brothers are able to get to FREEDOM and SOON. I’m in awe of your strength – even if you don’t feel “strong” yourself – and your determination to heal, & became an awesome mother to your two precious little ones.
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Mary, I absolutely believe you. I am blown away by your strength and resilience. Don’t worry about the future, you have already been through hell and have proven yourself up to the task. As for your parenting, I would get in touch with a good parenting instructor. Your weak area is going to be when you are tired, angry, or not feeling well. That is when we tend to fall back on the ways we were parented. Take care of yourself; its the best thing you can do for your children. May God’s peace be always with you and your lovely family.
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I am the oldest daughter of 8 children….I cried when I read this story….my Mother abused me and my siblings as a child too…she would slap me when I didnt obey, clean, do my school work…I felt like I was reading my own biography…I am now 20 and still recovering from my childhood. abuse. God Bless you Mary.
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I was never physically or sexually abused (for which I thank all the PTB) but I was definitely emotionally abused. I was terrified of my dad. Somewhere around my 7th birthday I stopped thinking of him as a loving father, and started thinking of him as a force of nature, like a hurricane or a volcano. I walked on eggshells around him growing up to avoid setting him off. In college, I secretly rebelled, lying to my own parents just to avoid the 2-hour “lectures.” I resented Mom for not doing anything to stop him. I was furious at both of them for continuing to spank me until I was 16 years old without doing the same to my brother.
I definitely don’t think you’re lying or even exaggerating, Mary. I know for a fact that if Dad had heard of the Pearls’ and Ezzos’ methods for breaking children, he would have practiced them zealously enough to kill me. (He once put my brother’s fingers in a splint to prevent him from using his left hand. If bro ever unfastened the splint, he’d get spanked. Every day for 3 months, bro came home with a hastily rewrapped splint. And on every one of those days, he was spanked. The only reason I’m not worried about exposing our identities with this is because my brother’s probably forgotten, and my parents will deny, deny, deny.)
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I do believe you. And as i wrote already below part Nine, I cant believe, that your younger brothers are still with your parents, when evidence about the abuse is clear.
Also, I think they should be sentenced for the abuse. There must be laws in your country to protect children, and to sentence abusive parents. Because, what you wrote is not just “normal punishment during education”, this was life threatening (starving, freezing, >100 spanks with a belt, etc.), and this should not be legal. If these laws dont exist yet, then I hope your story helps that one day they will be installed.
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MarikkeF: Unfortunately, America is going through a dangerously dark time: The Republican Party, which controls the House of Representatives and probably will for some time, is controlled by homeschool advocates like the Quiverfulls and other Christian fundamentalist organizations. They will fight any government oversight of their abusive members as fiercely as the National Rifle Association fights to keep assault weapons in the hands of anybody who wants them.
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Thanks for the explanation.
My idea was not to better control homeschooling, but to judge a committed crime. Well, I hope that treating somebody else the way described here, is a crime in your country, no matter, if the person is your own child, or if it was during home schooling or not.
If this treatment is considered legal, then please start fighting for the childrens rights.
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I believe you. You are brave to break the silence. . And obviously still full of a loving spirit. . I can’t say I would let anyone treat me that way, even my parents, without picking up something and striking them back. Good luck to you, your husband sounds wonderful. And I’m sure your children have a wonderful, loving mother. Thank you for your story.
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I am so horrified, and I hope people realize that these behaviors do not define homeschooling parents; it’s just that parents who want to indulge these behaviors pretty much have to homeschool. I relate to some of the emotions you talked about, but the extent of the abuse is so far beyond anything I can imagine parents justifying. I’m floored that they still believe they were right. I could understand a “not care” or “so what” attitude, but I can’t get my mind around them believing this was okay.
I read your comment too, and it’s a safe bet that your reaction to seeing him hold your daughter says it all. Quite likely you were drugged and that’s why the memories are so blurry and confused. I understand not wanting to remember. What you do remember is enough to stop him from getting to your children, and that’s the main thing. They say when you have repressed memories, they start to come out when your own children are the age you were. That was true for me. Repressed memories are controversial, but I know my memories are real because they didn’t come out in therapy. They came back over a period of several weeks, through tremendous stress, without my talking to anyone. And writing my story was wrenching too. It did not involve family members, so I can’t imagine how terrible it must have been for you to write yours.
You are a very strong person, and I have no doubt your siblings will one day recognize that you did the right thing. You’ve cast your bread on the waters, and it WILL be found. The system is very broken. But telling your story brings it one step closer to being fixed. Thankyou.
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I hated kindergarten and school when i was a child (and in the same time had in some way abusive home) . Till now it appeared to me that homeschooling is a beauiful alternative which allows to develop children intelectualy, spend time with them, create special, deep and loving relationship in the family, child can be and learn in less stressful enviroment. I never thoght of it as a dangerous opportunity for abusive people to torture their children. Story made me very sad.
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Mary,
I was extremely abused as a child (raped for 14+ years by my father, a deacon in our church, my mother beat me daily, my best friend then was so abused that I really thought I had it easy, until I grew up and figured it all out!). I am a 57 year old female and hope I can help you through friendship as I am happy and very well adjusted in life as I was not going to let abuse win! donnajcpa@hotmail.com
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