Crosspost: Bad, Evil Psychology Helped Me
HA note: The following is reprinted with permission from Latebloomer’s blog Past Tense Present Progressive. It was originally published on July 7, 2012.
Growing up, I heard a lot of scoffing at psychology in my family, homeschooling community, and fundamentalist church. In those circles, the study and application of psychology represented a worthless human attempt to feel happier apart from God and become better without the guidance of the Bible. The anti-psychology sentiment was so strong that even building kids’ self-confidence and self-esteem was derided as a “worldly” goal. There was too much “self” in the name. Real True Christian children were to be obedient and humble instead.
Looking back, I definitely had the obedience thing handled; in fact, I cannot remember ever purposefully disobeying my parents, even in my teens. Yet I was constantly reprimanded for unsatisfactory performance because I was unable to be constantly cheerful about the instant unquestioning obedience that was required of me. The impossibility of my situation left me feeling extremely frustrated and guilty; however, I reasoned that my faults were just a “thorn in my flesh” to keep me humble and seeking God’s help (
But apparently even my humility was a fault; I wasn’t doing that right either. In my late teens, I heard Reb Bradley‘s teachings about pride at his homeschooling church Hope Chapel. According to Reb Bradley, true humility was the absence of thought or awareness of yourself. So those feelings of shame, awkwardness, self-consciousness, and frustration that I dealt with daily? Sinful pride, not humility. Talk about kicking a person when they’re down! My tortured teenage mind twisted itself in knots trying to get out of my body, trying to have no positive or negative thoughts about myself, no “selfish” dreams or desires or goals for the life that stretched endlessly before me. Really, I was tearfully and prayerfully trying to cease to exist.. It’s no wonder that my depression often spiraled out of control, and I spent almost all of my free time in my teens lying on my bed like a zombie, alone, dead inside.
One day in my early twenties, as I was driving my car home from work, I heard an unexpectedly beautiful and compassionate new voice coming from the Christian radio station. In his gentle Southern accent, he talked about dealing with the pain of rejection and struggling with poor self-esteem as a result; I stopped the car and cried. It was the first time I felt that my broken-heartedness was not yet another fault of mine; it was the first time that I heard the idea of self-esteem referenced positively.
Who was this pastor who seemed so liberal and gracious to me at the time? Charles Stanley, the president of the extremely conservative and fundamentalist Southern Baptist Convention.
Starting with that one small first step of hearing a sympathetic voice on the radio, I’ve slowly been reconstructing a healthier and more balanced view of myself and others over the last ten years. Shedding my misunderstanding of the Bible and my deep distrust of extra-biblical resources, including psychology, has been immensely helpful to me in my own journey. It has opened up a whole new world of fascinating ideas, including ones that have helped me make sense of my own childhood experiences and their effects on me.
Recently, I’ve encountered one particularly relevant idea that has increased my self-understanding. I am what personality psychologists call a “highly sensitive” or “high-reactive” person. This refers to an inborn aversion to novelty and a tendency to more easily become overstimulated; it is not very common, but it is strongly correlated with being introverted. It explains why I always order the same food in restaurants, choose comfort over style, love predictability, and avoid spending too much time around loud noises and large crowds. Understanding the biological basis of my personality quirks is helping me manage my stress and not demand too much of myself.
But it has been even more helpful to look back at my childhood with the understanding that I was a highly sensitive child. In her book “Quiet“, Susan Cain discusses how childhood experiences can affect the highly sensitive or high reactive child:
“The destinies of the most high-reactive kids are also influenced by the world around them–perhaps even more so than for the average child, according to a groundbreaking new theory dubbed ‘the orchid hypothesis’ by David Dobbs…This theory holds that many children are like dandelions, able to thrive in just about any environment. But others, including the high-reactive types that Kagan studied, are more like orchids: they wilt easily, but under the right conditions can grow strong and magnificent.….
[T]he reactivity of these kids’ nervous systems makes them quickly overwhelmed by childhood adversity, but also able to benefit from a nurturing environment more than other children do. In other words, orchid children are more strongly affected by all experience, both positive and negative.
Scientists have known for a while that high-reactive temperments come with risk factors. These kids are especially vulnerable to challenges like marital tension, a parent’s death, or abuse. They’re more likely than their peers to react to these events with depression, anxiety, and shyness. Indeed, about a quarter of Kagan’s high-reactive kids suffer some degree of the condition known as ‘social anxiety disorder’….
High-reactive kids who enjoy good parenting, child care, and a stable home environment tend to have fewer emotional problems and more social skills than their lower-reactive peers, studies show.” (p. 110-111)
I had wondered many times why some of my more extroverted peers who also experienced social isolation and authoritarian parenting seemed less traumatized and could enter mainstream society more quickly, while I struggled with severe depression and crippling anxiety for years and years. In “Quiet”, I found a reason that in retrospect makes perfect sense. As a highly sensitive child, the negative experiences simply affected me more strongly.
I started adulthood almost destroyed, with almost no ability to function. Yet here I am today, a far happier and healthier person. It turned out that my high sensitivity was an asset in my recovery in the end. Once the conditions were right for me to “grow”, my development took off. Positive attention, kindness, and acceptance coaxed me back to life and helped me grow into my true identity.
Contrary to all the warnings I heard about psychology in my youth, I have found that the increased self-understanding has resulted in genuine self-improvement. I much prefer this approach to the ineffective and tearful fumblings that were promoted by my church.
“Really, I was tearfully and prayerfully trying to cease to exist.”
Thank you for writing. When I read this, my soul screamed, “Yes, this. Yes, this is what is wrong with what I was taught about humility.” It’s a relief to hear someone else say it. I’m so sorry you lived through that. I’m so thankful you found a way to shed it, leave it, and grow into your own self. I’m so thankful you are here putting words to the spiritual abuse.
I am happy to hear that you have found peace in your life! I am a huge believer in care of self!
Thanks so much for thoughtfully sharing your story.
Great article. I think there is much we can gain in learning from psychology and medicine. It is sad that so many have rejected them both. My dad, who much of his life was not a Christian, did not like psychology either.
There are so many types of people and we need to learn how to parent each type of child in our homes. I am sorry that your childhood was hard. I am glad you are healing and growing!