Sometimes I Am Afraid Of Myself: Lana Hobbs

Sometimes I Am Afraid Of Myself: Lana Hobbs

Trigger warning: self-injury.

Standing in the kitchen.

I need to make dinner.

I grab a knife, stare at my reflection in the blade.

Oddly entranced,

I put the cold metal to my skin,

what am I doing?

I pull away in shock.

I am bipolar, but don’t know it yet,

with a lifetime of pain and self hatred

To deal with on my own – my brain is confusing.

I could never be good enough, godly enough

To gain my parents approval,

But earning a spanking was too easy, I didn’t have to try.

Now I punish myself

for things not my fault.

I hit my wrists against the counter, hit my head on the wall. What is happening?

I thought I had stopped doing this.

I don’t understand my mind,

But I know I deserve this pain.

Know? No. No, I don’t.

I put the knife back into the block.

Sink to the floor.

I text my husband ‘bring pizza’.

2 thoughts on “Sometimes I Am Afraid Of Myself: Lana Hobbs

  1. lanamhobbs June 15, 2013 / 9:12 am

    Reblogged this on Lana Hobbs the Brave and commented:
    Wrote this post on Homeschoolers Anonymous. There have been many thoughtful, heartbreaking, and often hopeful posts about homeschoolers and self harm this week. Go check it out.

    Like

  2. Sarah Shulamis November 26, 2013 / 6:24 pm

    Your post just makes me cry for all the sadness it holds. I hope life is getting better for you.

    Like

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