By R.L. Stollar, HA Community Coordinator
Growing up evangelical, I listened to a lot of Contemporary Christian Music (CCM). I never understood the whole “rock music causes demons to eat your brain” mentality. But I did understand — to some extent — their point that Christian rock music was just normal rock music with “Jesus” pasted on top. To my friends and I, that wasn’t actually an intelligent critique. It was more a joke, something we all laughed about.
Fact is, my peers and I often thought it was funny that many CCM songs appeared to be sexy romance songs where the “you” was just capitalized so it suddenly was about Jesus rather than a hot piece of man-flesh. And some CCM bands — Skillet, most of all — have lyrics that are so spiritually kinky, even actual kinksters might blush.
So to honor this humorous memory of CCM’s steamy lyricism, I decided to create a quiz where you must identify whether certain phrases are lines from the bestselling erotic BDSM novel 50 Shades of Grey by E.L. James or lyrics from Contemporary Christian Music songs. So pull out a pen and paper and keep track of your answers; an answer key is provided after the quiz.
Make sure you don’t cheat. God is watching you. As Phil Joel says about God, “He’s gonna keep the night light on. He’s waiting there to receive you.”
Or was that something Anastasia Steele wrote in her diary about Christian Grey?
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1. Which of the following is a lyric from a Newsboys song?
a. Giving it over, I was flat on my back.
b. I come instantly.
2. Which use of “hand” is from 50 Shades of Grey and not a CCM song?
a. You gentle your hand…
b. Gushing with surrender in your hands…
c. My hands are open, so take what you see…
3. Three of the following four lines are from Skillet songs. Which one is from 50 Shades of Grey?
a. Stretch me bigger….
b. An empty vessel to be filled at your whim…
c. I’m exploding like chemicals. I’m going crazy — can’t get enough!
d. It’s so urgent. It’s so desperate I can feel it in my bones.
4. One of these four is dirty talk. The other three are DC Talk. Which one is dirty?
a. You consume me like a burning flame.
b. Anytime, anyplace.
c. I am calling out your name.
d. Oh, you know that I surrender.
5. Which “you” is from a Sonicflood praise song? (The other two are about sex.)
a. God, I want you
b. I want to touch you.
c. I am in awe of you.
6. Can you figure out which is neither Rebecca St. James nor Audio Adrenaline?
a. Here I am. I will do as you say.
b. You’re pinning me to the wall.
c. I’m enslaved to what you say.
7. Different people handle pain differently. Which one is the 50 Shades of Grey way?
a. How can I scream when the pain is such a release?
b. The pain is such that I refuse to acknowledge it.
c. I do not deserve to be set free.
8. Once you experience something you really like, you usually want more. Which wanting more is not about God?
a. We’re going all the way.
b. I’ve never wanted more, until I met you.
c. I’ll be chasing you.
d. I wanna do it soon.
9. Which romantic exclamation is not about Jesus?
a. When I’m in your arms is when I feel the best.
b. My heart beats for you.
c. I want my world to start and end with you.
d. I can feel your power surging through the whole of me.
10. One of these is about a BDSM master/slave relationship. The other three are from Christian music.
a. Capture me, make me a slave.
b. I’m struggling to resist, but I’m drawn.
c. If I could only be your master.
d. You can have everything I am.
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Answer Key
******
1. Which of the following is a lyric from a Newsboys song?
a. Giving it over, I was flat on my back. – Newsboys, “Giving It Over”
b. I come instantly. – 50 Shades of Grey
2. Which use of “hand” is from 50 Shades of Grey and not a CCM song?
a. You gentle your hand… – 50 Shades of Grey
b. Gushing with surrender in your hands… – Skillet, “Suspended In You”
c. My hands are open, so take what you see… – Smalltown Poets, “I’ll Give”
3. Three of the following four lines are from Skillet songs. Which one is from 50 Shades of Grey?
a. Stretch me bigger…. – Skillet, “Suspended In You”
b. An empty vessel to be filled at your whim… – 50 Shades of Grey
c. I’m exploding like chemicals. I’m going crazy — can’t get enough! – Skillet, “My Obsession”
d. It’s so urgent. It’s so desperate I can feel it in my bones. – Skillet, “Kill Me Heal Me”
4. One of these four is dirty talk. The other three are DC Talk. Which one isn’t DC?
a. You consume me like a burning flame. – DC Talk, “Consume Me”
b. Anytime, anyplace. – DC Talk, “Consume Me”
c. I am calling out your name. – 50 Shades of Grey
d. Oh, you know that I surrender. – DC Talk, “Consume Me”
5. Which “you” is from a Sonicflood praise song? The other two are about sex.
a. God, I want you – 50 Shades of Grey
b. I want to touch you. – Sonicflood, “I Want To Know You”
c. I am in awe of you. – 50 Shades of Grey
6. Can you figure out which is neither Rebecca St. James nor Audio Adrenaline?
a. Here I am. I will do as you say. – Rebecca St. James, “Here I Am”
b. You’re pinning me to the wall. – 50 Shades of Grey
c. I’m enslaved to what you say. – Audio Adrenaline, “Some Kind of Zombie”
7. Different people handle pain differently. Which one is the 50 Shades of Grey way?
a. How can I scream when the pain is such a release? – Skillet, “Kill Me Heal Me”
b. The pain is such that I refuse to acknowledge it. – 50 Shades of Grey
c. I do not deserve to be set free. – Grammatrain, “Pain”
8. Once you experience something you really like, you usually want more. Which wanting more is not about God?
a. We’re going all the way. – Delirious?, “Deeper”
b. I’ve never wanted more, until I met you. – 50 Shades of Grey
c. I’ll be chasing you. – Newsboys, “Beautiful Sound”
d. I wanna do it soon. – Seven Day Jesus, “Butterfly”
9. Which romantic exclamation is not about Jesus?
a. When I’m in your arms is when I feel the best. – Skillet, “Safe With You”
b. My heart beats for you. – Jars of Clay, “Love Song for a Savior”
c. I want my world to start and end with you. – 50 Shades of Grey
d. I can feel your power surging through the whole of me. – DC Talk, “Supernatural”
10. One of these is about a BDSM master/slave relationship. The other three are from Christian music.
a. Capture me, make me a slave. – Skillet, “Take”
b. I’m struggling to resist, but I’m drawn. – 50 Shades of Grey
c. If I could only be your master. – Grammatrain, “Sick Of Will”
d. You can have everything I am. – Audio Adrenaline, “Hands and Feet”
Homeschoolers Anonymous 
This is hilarious! “I can only imagine” that we could do the same with some praise and worship lyrics.
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Second the “This is Hilarious”.
I’m expecting the “Just like 50 Shades of Grey, Except CHRISTIAN(TM)!” knockoffs (“Fifty Shades of Grace”? “ME, TOO!”?) to show up on the shelves of the Jesus Junk stores any day now.
And the Gift of Prophecy: The CCM episode of South Park, which contains the immortal line from Cartman the jerk:
“Writing Christian music is easy. All you do is take ten-year-old pop songs and substitute ‘Jesus’ for ‘OOOO BABY!'” (Followed by several hilarious — and steamy — examples.)
Some years later, some youth pastor actually did that for real with “You Spin Me Right Round Right Round JEESUS Right Round.” The video went viral on YouTube, but not in the way the guy wanted.
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So, this is the greatest! I always found it really funny how sexual CCM songs could be if you took them only slightly out of context. And as a CCM fan then and a Fifty Shades fan now (I tried to resist those three books, really I did – but it’s become my favorite modern literary love story) – this was truly enjoyable. Thank you!
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When this subject came up on another blog (something about a CCM song about Jesus’s “wet sloppy kisses”), one commenter claimed that “Jesus-is-my-Boyfriend” CCM is VERY popular in the gay community because “where else can you hear a guy-on-guy steamy love song?”
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Bravo. I remember almost all of these bands. Either they’re unknowingly awkward song writers, or they were trying to convert using the power of song: it sounds like I’m describing banging chicks, but I’m actually just talking about God. Brilliant.
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Or you took a right turn into South Park‘s infamous CCM episode.
If not, start checking your closet for either Rod Serling or a Chinese dragon made of mismatched animal parts with John DeLancie’s voice.
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….O.O My fiancé and I are dying. I got 3/10….and I’m mortified.
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Don’t be… I got 1/10…
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We were just mortified that we couldn’t tell the difference and started guessing what we thought was least likely and those answers ended up being right! :O
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This only proves how much of those lyrics are inspired by the Holy Spirit. Some of those bands are formed for all the wrong reasons; for some, the intentions are good, but the delivery is mediocre.
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I got 0/10. Seriously. My mouth dropped open while reading the answer key.
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Lol
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Okay, isn’t it technically cheating to use “Love Song for a Saviour”? 😛
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Yeeahhhh… I was getting lazy at that point. 🙂
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I wanna lose the old cocoon soon too…
Wait, that does sound dirty…
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I’m proud to have been the pilot test subject for this quiz on twitter. The final version is excellent.
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You had excellent feedback. Glad the final version lived up to expectations! 🙂
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The relationship between Jesus and the Church has ALWAYS been put in romantic terms like “the bride of Christ”. You could make the same quiz using Bible quotes, especially considering the domineering natures of the Grey relationship and that Jesus is LORD and Savior.
South Park already made this point years ago.
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“Bride of Christ” isn’t a romantic term, actually. The sort of steamy language used in modern songs today, Christian or otherwise, is a reflection of our completely hormone-driven approach to love and marriage.
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There is Medieval precedent. Something called “Bridal Mysticism” where Christian Mystics (usually female) started describing spiritual ecstasy/experiencing Christ in highly-erotic language. On the order of “Thrust me through with Thy Divine Love! Fill me with Thy Holy Spirit as with child!” It got BIZARRE; today’s “Jesus is My Boyfriend” CCM is but a pale shadow.
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St. Theresa’s description of her ecstasy is highly suggestive. This definitely sounds like it could be 50 Shades: “The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it…”
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This made my day, thank you!
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Something that might surprise you is that sometimes the CCM band really is singing about sex. Sex in itself isn’t a bad thing. A couple of examples would be “Heaven” by Jars of Clay and “Closer” by the same band.
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Wow. You’re so enlightened. Sex and Christianity can go hand in hand? Whosoever knew?
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I second that. And also, Skillet was really going specifically for shocking submission language during that period. And Grammatrain was trying to be all at-the-end-of-my-rope grungey.
This is still a funny list, though. It takes me back to that old Southpark joke about swapping” Jesus” and “Baby”.
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Great, except 50 Shades isn’t an erotic BDSM novel. It’s not BDSM, it’s an outright abusive relationship.
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Which makes it all the more creepy that there was little difference between the lines from 50 shades and the lines people wrote about god. If 50 shades depicts an abusive relationship and it’s hard to tell the difference between the lines in that book vs people’s writing about god, what does that say about god and these people’s relationship with him?
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EXACTLY.
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BEST comment yet! IMHO today’s “Christian” music is at an all-time low (and I don’t like much of what I heard for the past 20 years, for that matter). The church has gotten so sick that it’s no wonder no one can tell the difference between it and a novel about an abusive relationship. Only in the church, God is the abuser, punisher, avenger, crusher, smiter…. It makes me ill.
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And it began as Twilight fanfic. Guy with the Grey Tie was originally THE Sparkly Teenage Vampire Hunk. Paint over the labels and Instant Bored Housewife/Mommy Porn Best-Seller!
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Haha, too funny. Is it bad that I got some of these by how badly written the 50 Shades quote was compared to the others? I.e.-question 2, “You gentle your hand”
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This is a brilliant collection of cheap shots that only makes a point if you excel at pretending context doesn’t matter at all. I’m underwhelmed, and a little annoyed.
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The context is that so many christians turn their faith into a fetish and an idolatry that this sort of dabbling in kink is inevitable.
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lol relax it’s meant to be a joke,.. you know humor? taking life not too seriously? funny? perhaps you’ve forgotten how to have fun?
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“There can be no humor in Islam.”
— Ayatollah Khomeini, theocratic dictator of Iran
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Faith + 1 is the ultimate CCM band. There’s no need for any other.
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Ha! Love it. You could do this with Bible stories. What’s from such-and-such horror film and what’s from the Bible? Check this out:
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Have you ever sung “Blessed Assurance” without paying attention to the lyrics?
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So basically, you’ve just proven that your mind is constantly in the gutter?
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Actually, he just proved that EVERYONE’S mind is constantly in the gutter – whether they’ve read 50 Shades or not! lol
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How original is #2. Which use of “hand” is from 50 Shades of Grey and not a CCM song! Love it.
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This is hilarious. There are some songs that I just can’t sing in church for these very reasons. My friend calls them ‘Jesus is my boyfriend’ songs and they make me cringe 🙂
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I hope you are not a fan of Fanny Crosby. Try reading Blessed Assurance the way you read those CCM lyrics.
1. A foretaste of glory divine.
2. Purchased, washed in his blood
3. Praising my Savior all the day long
4. Perfect submission, perfect delight
5. Visions of rapture burst on my sight
6. Perfect submission, all is at rest
7. Lost in his love
Try the same thing with several Psalms. It works. It is because we have a close/intimate relationship with the God of the universe. When we write music/poetry we reflect that closeness. It is neither dirty nor inappropriate, just intimate.
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fanny
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oh so so awesome. I too grew up on christian rock and have giggled a few times at lyrics for sounding a bit X rated. Great blog!
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This quiz is officially hilarious. I’m sad that I only got half right, though.
Reblog!
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Reblogged this on Confessions of a Novelista and commented:
I can’t tell you how ridiculous (and creepy) some of these lines are…
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Alright, all this has instilled in me is how badly written 50 Shades of Grey is.
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great work. Enjoyed the laugh and good time. Maybe worship will look different one day.
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Two words: Oy vey.
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okay, I read 50 Shades of Grey and I listen to CCM as well. I did your quiz and I scored 5 out of 10. Had fun doing it, great stuff! Made me smile and think at the same time. ^_^
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You’ve taken the “Jesus is my boyfriend” theme of CCM to a whole new level!
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Enjoyed the quiz. It was enlightening, although not unique in religion.
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Hilarious! Well done!
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Puns under the sun. It is all in the way you say it.
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LOL that was pretty witty!!! “I come instantly”… I wish ahaha 😛
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This is very brilliant. I can so relate with this growing up in a Christian home. If the song says Jesus you’re good to go! I really enjoyed this….😂😂
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Reblogged this on From My Inbox and commented:
I took the test and got half of them right….how will you do?
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I don’t listen to CCM nor have I read 50 Shades, and I only got four correct.
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Seriously? Unless you are a 13 year old boy who still blushes and giggles at the word ‘boob’, you won’t find anything sexual about these lyrics.
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Very nice! I have never seen something like that before, good job
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I enjoy Christian contemporary music but don’t like lyrics implying Jesus is someone’s lover. The Ecstasy of St. Theresa notwithstanding, this kind of love is not what Jesus was really about. Thanks for the humor. I do feel sorry for you having to spend that much time exploring that piece of trash Fifty Shades of Grey, though.
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To those whose thoughts are pure, everything is pure, but to those whose thoughts are impure, nothing is pure.
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I am honestly somewhat ashamed of how hard I laughed because it doesn’t seem like a very holy thing to do (especially on Good Friday!). But I couldn’t help it. And now I’m sharing this with my entire youth group, because I think they’d appreciate it.
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This is amazing evidence that people need to turn lyrics back to God… especially CCM artists.
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I’ve been noticing this for a while now. A lot of our worship songs are just as bad, if not worse. I can’t listen to Matt Redman without getting seriously freaked out by the way he juxtaposes and merges “father” and “lover” imagery. Categorically Not Good.
This was utterly hilarious and totally brilliant. Congratualtions on a well-deserved Fresh Pressing.
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Reblogged this on M.T. Miles.
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Ha! That was really funny, thank you.
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My mouth was a gaping hole the whole time I read this. You gave violated my innocence to CCM 😉
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This is just one reason why I don’t bother with CCM. Some of it is good, but most is worthless.
Shared via Twitter and Facebook.
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