CC image courtesy of Flickr, Randi Deuro.
HA note: The following is reprinted with permission from Darcy’s blog Darcy’s Heart-Stirrings. It was originally published on January 18, 2011.
There are many times that I don’t realize just how much strange teaching I’ve had to “un-do” in my life until I try to explain them to someone else. This happened to me the other night. A dear friend and I were talking about our kids and how to help them transition from children to adults. The topic of dating and relationships came up and we started talking about my story. Sometimes it’s actually comforting to me to be met with blank or incredulous stares from people I consider “normal”, good Christians. It somehow validates my belief that some of the teachings I grew up with were very wrong.
I’ve also lately started facing the ways in which the teachings of “emotional purity”, (a la Josh Harris, the Ludys, and others) have damaged the part of my brain that makes healthy relationships function.
I define “emotional purity” in the same way that popular homeschool writers have: it is the idea of “guarding your heart”. Which sounds all noble and righteous and everything but in this context is really just a facade for fear. Fear of loving and losing. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of being damaged. Fear of not measuring up. In my life it meant never having a crush on a guy, never allowing myself to “fall in love”, basically training myself to shut down a normal, healthy, functioning part of my human heart.
I’m 27 years old, been married for almost 7 years. I rejected the teachings of courtship and emotional purity when I was 19. But their effects have yet to leave.
There are several ways that these teachings can damage a person’s heart.
1. They cause shame.
Shame because sometimes you can’t help but like one guy a little more than another. Shame because that’s “sinful” and “emotionally impure”. Shame because it sets a standard and proclaims that you are somehow shameful if you cannot keep it. You are considered damaged goods if you have fallen in love and had your heart broken. It was Josh Harris in I Kissed Dating Goodbye and the Ludy’s in several of their books that popularized the idea that everytime you fall in love or get “emotionally attached” to someone, you give away a piece of your heart. The more pieces you give away, the less of your heart you have to give to your spouse someday. He even went so far as to say that each of those former flames actually have some sort of hold on you. This has got to be the most bogus and the most damaging teaching of this entire movement. Love doesn’t work that way. The more you give, the more you have. My 3rd child doesn’t have less of my heart just because I’ve loved two other children before him. And, really, I haven’t given them “pieces” of my heart. I’ve given them each all of my heart. The miracle of love is that it multiplies by being given.
Each person I love has “a piece of my heart”…my best friend, my sisters, my husband, my parents, my kids. It is ridiculous to suggest that there is not enough of my heart to go around.
And what view of redemption does this teaching proclaim? Not one that I want anything to do with. It is an incompetent redemption.
2. They cause pride.
Pride because suddenly you are better than everyone else. Because you have never had a crush on a guy. You have kept your heart for your spouse. You didn’t say “I love you” til your wedding day. Pride in human accomplishment. Pride because you are so much more spiritual than that poor girl over there who is crying because her boyfriend broke up with her. Because your heart is whole and she just gave a piece of hers to a guy she isn’t married to. Pride because you did it right, she did not. You have more to give your future husband than she does. She is damaged goods, you are the real prize.
This is exactly what happened to the Pharisees. They made up laws that God never condoned, then patted themselves on the back for keeping them, while looking down on those who didn’t. This has nothing to do with the righteousness and grace of God, and everything to do with the accomplishments of man. I remember watching a video where one of the biggest names in the courtship movement bragged with obvious arrogance that he didn’t tell his wife he loved her until their wedding. And I thought “how twisted can we get?” We took something as simple as saying “I love you”, built a strawman rule around it (“saying I love you is defrauding”) then hung it like a trophy on our walls. Job well done, folks.
3. They create skewed views of relationships which lead to dysfunction
This is where I still struggle. Where others see nothing wrong, I am suspicious of every look, every situation, every witty exchange. I am still uncomfortable hugging one of my best friends who is a guy. Because we were never to hug or have physical contact, even innocent, with a guy. Voices in my head scream “defrauder!” just by giving a friend a quick hug. I feel ill at ease sometimes even talking to other men. Oh, they never notice. Because I’m really good at pushing those feelings away and acting “normal”. But I am bothered by my reaction to everyday situations. We were taught never ever ever to be alone with a guy. Because it could look bad. He could be tempted. You might start thinking impure thoughts. You might even *gasp* flirt!
I was trying to explain this to my friend and it came out sounding so….crazy and embarrassing. I told her if she was to walk out of the room, leaving me and her husband in the same room, my first reaction would be one of panic. “This might look bad…. what if he talks to me…what if someone else sees us….what is he thinking…” My second reaction, close on the heels of the first, would be a coping mechanism that I learned long ago: I calmly tell myself that “this is perfectly normal and perfectly innocent…he probably doesn’t even notice me…this is a Godly man I know and trust….the only person who would ever freak out about this is me….to the rest of the world there’s nothing wrong here”. I then calm down, act normal, and hope nobody noticed my crazy internal battle. Cuz they’d probably admit me to a psych ward. Thank you, Josh Harris and Co. I hatethis about myself! I am a strong, confident person. But the idea that I can defraud just by a look, that I could become emotionally impure just by a thought, that I might become damaged goods with pieces of my heart strewn all over tarnation, and that guys “only have one thing on their mind” and we need to help them control themselves, has truly negatively affected what should be normal interactions with my friends. Honestly, I don’t get embarrassed talking about much. But this admission isn’t easy for me.
Guess what? In the real world, men and women can have innocent relationships. They can talk to each other without one of them thinking there’s ulterior motives. They can laugh and exchange wits and, yes, even drive in a car together without anybody thinking anything dubious is happening. They are not naiive but they are not afraid of their own shadows. Purity and integrity in relationships can be there without being unnaturally freaked out about it. The other night, I stuck my tongue out at a guy friend who was teasing me and his wife cracked up laughing. As I laughed, I felt myself looking down on the situation, amazed that nobody thought twice about it, then amazed that I DID…that I had to push away feelings of guilt because what if someone thought I was *gasp* flirting?! This is one dysfunction that I really wish I could be freed from. Maybe time is the only cure and I need to be more patient with myself. These teachings have deep, rotten roots and it takes time to pull them all out.
4. They teach us to make formulas to be safe
1 + 1= 2. Emotional purity + Biblical courtship = Godly marriage. But life doesn’t work that way. You can do everything “right” and your life can still suck. You can do everything “wrong” and still be blessed. Rain falls on the good and evil. Time and chance happen to them all. People who follow the courtship formula still get divorced. Or stuck in terrible marriages. Courtship is not the assurance of a good marriage. Life is too complicated for that. Love involves vulnerability. When you choose to love, you are choosing to accept risking a broken heart. No formula can protect you. Life involves risk. Following God involves risk. He is not a “safe” God. But He is good.
God doesn’t seem to like formulas. Because formula is the opposite of faith. Formula says “I will follow a God that I’ve put neatly in a box, to give me the desired results”. Faith says “I will follow You even when I can’t see where I’m going, even when the world is collapsing around me”. Formula says “I will not risk, I will be in control of my future”. Faith says “I will risk everything, I will trust Whom I cannot see, surrender what I cannot control anyway.” Formula is the assurance of things planned for, the conviction of things seen. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Heb. 11:1). But we are afraid. So we control instead of trust. We don’t take a step unless we can see where we’re going. We build neat little formulas and say “THIS will keep me safe!” Then we blame God when our puny formulas fail.
These teachings need to be stopped. They were new in my generation and now I, and others like me, are reaping the fruit of them. And the fruit is rotten to the core. I’m sure those who promoted such ideas had good intentions. But good intentions aren’t enough. Without Truth and Grace they can do more harm than good. Thanks to those good intentions, we are seeing an entire generation of homeschool alumni who have no idea how to have normal relationships. I have talked with literally hundreds of alumni my age, and am not exaggerating the extent of the issue. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my dysfunction but discouraging as well. What is encouraging is that most of us have determined to stop the insanity. We will not be passing these things to the next generation. Instead we will teach our children to love God with all that they have, all that they are; and to love and respect others as they love themselves.
I leave you with the words of a very wise man:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
~C. S. Lewis
Homeschoolers Anonymous 
Some good insight here. However, each statement must be modified with “may,” “can,”, etc. Some have used these approaches to great advantage. But there is no magic formula. People do not operate by “plug and play,” or “one size fits all.”
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Wow. I would have loved to have any of these problems instead of the shane and guilt I still carry, not to mention the damage of the sins of my youth. I promise that none of the issues listed compare to the consequences of sins to your flesh. Be grateful you had a family that wanted purity for you. Although, now I know I’m redeemed and forgiven, the burden never goes away. I think I’ll err on the side of purity for my kids.
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Oh man. Usually the parentsplainers take a tiny bit longer to arrive.
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Parentsplainers…
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You need to rest in the truth then that you are forgiven and washed clean which is obvious you’re still wrestling a lot with believe it because you are so quick to point out how your situation is harder than the authors. Which you don’t know because you’ve only been in your situation. Instead you are trying to guard your children from making the mistakes you made in an effort to protect them which is biblical but this author is saying that we were taught legalism when it comes to purity versus faith and grace. She’s not saying go crazy and do what you want she’s simply saying stop looking for books and people to tell you the magic formula to relationships and trust the spirit to guide you. I say all this out of love even though you might take it as anger or an attack.
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Thank you!! There is still some sanity in the world!! The person compared friendship relationships to man/woman relationships….NOT the same!! I did not agree with much of any of her arguments.
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Owning your sexuality is not a sin. It’s a sign of adulthood. To explore this thought further, may I recommend the excellent magazine “Free Inquiry.”
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I assume since you promoting a humanistic view of sexuality that you are not a Christian?
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Reblogged this on A Record of My Life and commented:
This.
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Its not a formula is a way of living.the way God has commanded through the bible to follow.not fitting the standards of this ungodly world.this kind of books dont teach we will have a perfect relationship but consequently many trials. Because setting apart means being rejected by this world,the same jesus christ said will would suffer if we gave our lives to him.
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But many things start of as good tips for live, then some one puts it into an easy formula, then another demands everyone lives by it and as a result many suffer. Plus if you are taught some of this stuff at a certain point in your life you take it in deeper. For example, I read “I Kissed Dating Good Bye” after I was married. I worked with teens. I also read “I Gave Dating a Chance”. I kind of taught my teens a mix between the 2. But I understood the books more looking back on what I could have done and taught it what the teens should do. We would take the information differently.
No one should feel like damaged goods. We are all damaged good, but at the cross we are filled back up and made right. Sexuality is a complicated and a hard topic!
So ways of live can quickly become very legalistic very quickly. We need to be careful.
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I totally understand and can say that I am struggling with a lot of these same thought processes. I have totally been there with the feeling uncomfortable alone with guys. I never read any of those books (to my parents chagrin, I might say) but i grew up with thinking that just being alone with any guy could lead to a bad situation. I am socially awkward in general (who isn’t?!), but these teachings I am starting to believe, made it worse. It isn’t until post college that I feel like I have gained the confidence (if weak still). Idk me and a close friend have been questioning this movement we grew up in. This post was really interesting and added a lot of food for thought. Thank you!
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Is Jesus Lord of your life? Are you seeking HIM for who you are to date and give your heart to? He is lord..Leave the choice for Him to show you. Don’t you trust Him to? I mean, he knows the number of hairs on your head, He knows everything about you, He knows how you were made…why wouldn’t He care about who you should marry? He put that desire in your heart, why do YOU not trust Him enough to answer your prayers? It’s called FAITH! Putting your FAITH in HIM and trusting that HE cares for EVERY PART OF WHO YOU ARE– AND WILL DO WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU! It’s about Lordship…Letting HIM be the ruler of your life=== not doing your own thing because you don’t want to wait for Him!
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Soooo….in order to do this we need to make up rules that aren’t prescribed in the bible and then deal with unhealthy consequences?
I went to a bible school after going to public shool my whole life and was blown away by the totally unrealistic approach and expectations women had about men and dating. Many of them are still alone and will likely remain so because no man can meet their impossible standard. But hey it must be God’s plan for them to be alone right? The idea of soul mates and everyone having their perfect match prescribed by God is also not biblical. Christians need to stop trying to make up sets of rules and then declaring them the “biblical” approach when they are not so.
There are certain things the bible is clear about. Certain things it leaves open to interpretation and conscious. And certain things it really doesnt talk a lot about. We need to accept that the bible is not a book with every answer to every question or issue ever to be asked. And we especially need to stop adding to it with philosophies we make up and then slap the “biblical” label on.
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We must have gone to the same Bible school… it was either #foreveralone or #ringbyspring. Or the infamous, “I’m dating Jesus.”
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Joe Nagy:
When I was flushing $$$$$ down the toilet of Christian dating services, I read so many identical “What I’m Looking For”s, they might as well have pre-printed it on the form. They were looking for an Uber-Christian so Spiritual that even Christ Himself couldn’t have measured up.
Totally non-negotiable. And about as realistic as geeky me demanding a Supermodel who’s also a Billionaire and nothing less.
Erica:
Think how that “I’m dating Jesus” or “Jesus is my boyfriend” sounds to a mere mortal guy like me. No way can I compete with a Cosmic Edward Cullen with the Shekinah Sparkles.
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unless i am mistaken joe, we DID go to the same school. ha.
women aren’t the only ones with unrealistic expectations though. and a lot of the girls who end up at christian schools have been poisoned by years and years of the same teachings and philosophies written about by the author.
i was homeschooled for all but two years in elementary school, and one year in a hybrid charter school junior year. my parents were pretty strict on hypothetical dating, but it never became an issue because there was never any occasion to date any boys. when i transferred into my #ringbyspring school at 19, i was asked out in my very first class on my very first day. didn’t realize it was actually a date until later, my dating-virgin mind overloaded a bit and i handled the situation pretty badly. but, to be fair to my younger self, the boy who asked me could have spent some time getting to know me first and introducing me to the unfamiliar environment, instead of telling me his name and then asking me out within five minutes. (we never did go out. i went out with one guy for less than a month when i was 20, and i think 7 years later i may be in the #foreveralone camp. reading i kissed dating goodbye is like reading those chain messages that you have to forward to someone else or else at 11:58 tonight you will be doomed forever!)
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Well said, Joe Nagy. Glad you were able to achieve a life in reality.
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DJ:
CHRISTIANESE BUZZWORD BINGO!
With bonus points for the ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!
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Part of the way you allow Christ to be LORD is by reading His word and by putting HIM first. Most young people put the person they are “interested in” first. The teachings of purity remind us that we cannot move on feelings alone. There needs to be thinking and conscious choice involved that align our lives to Christ’s standards. My opinion is that the books/ teachings on purity save more problems than they cause.
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I assure you, these issues do not reside in the home school community alone. I am a 23 year old public school grad who didn’t come across these teachings until after I had spent 2 years in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and after I had been raped, impregnated, and subsequently miscarried. Instead of teaching me that Grace covers all, I walked away shattered. I had been told, basically, that I was damaged beyond repair and had nothing to offer a godly husband and no reason to hope that one would accept me regardless. Because of this shame, I fell much deeper into a pit of sexual sin, since I apparently wasn’t going to find a godly husband anyway. I am still trying to climb out of this pit, clinging to God’s promises that He has a future for me.
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Erica; the only way anyone can be ‘pure’ is by God’s grace and by the Blood and sacrifice of Jesus. Just rest in His Love. No one is justified by their works. Let Him change you from the inside out. And realise you are pure because of Him! And because He Loves YOU. All of you!
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Thank you so so much for sharing. The angle of your story really put a different light on what we are talking about here. I think often times the church forgets that the ultimate message they should be working hard to send- is grace, redemption, and unconditional love through Christ. They get so caught up in the ‘formula’ if you will, that they forget about the unCONDITIONAL love that is available to anyone. No matter how messy, how crazy, or how damaged, not just those who fit into the mold of ‘pure’. Thank you again for sharing!
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Clearly….the motive for our actions is paramount. If you really read those books, I don’t think you will miss that. The teaching and implementation of those have a lot to do with the individual parents/teachers…. I know that often as a parent I focused too much on the behavior rather than the child/teen’s heart…what their motivations were. That is what God cares about most, but when our motivations are pure…our actions are as well.
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Dear Erica, I am praying for you. Take comfort in knowing God is walking alongside you, wants to help you and loves you where you are at. I spent 17 years of my life with an abusive father , who abused me not only sexually but physically and verbally. I spent a long time believing the lie that I was “damaged goods”. That is a lie straight from the pit of hell and I pray that you will reject that lie in the name of Jesus. I eventually met a wonderful man and we married. He is good to me. We have been married 13 years come this December and he mirrors Christ’s love to me on a daily basis and challenges me to always be better. Keep clinging to God’s promises. Your identity and worth are not found in that abusive relationship that you once were in rather your identity and worth are in Christ and who you are in Him.
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Erica – I gasped when I read your paragraph. How dare anyone tell you such lies! Keep climbing! Grace does cover it all. Grace does! We are all sinners and grace and Gods love covers it. I am so sorry that you were hurt and for all you went through!
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You raise an important issue, but you’ve made several bad connections.
Point 1: “Love doesn’t work that way. The more you give, the more you have.” Reading this statement was a bit like watching an American and a Brit argue whether they ought to play soccer or football. You have to define words.
Our American culture uses the the word “love” for liking a guy or becoming emotionally attached to him. No, at best that’s attraction. Love, which you described as having toward your children, is defined by 1Cor 13:4-7 and supersedes attraction. It sometimes accompanies it. But attraction is not love.
So let’s re-write a few sentences above with the proper words: “You are considered damaged goods if you have fallen into attraction and had your heart broken. (..) Love doesn’t work that way. The more you give, the more you have.”
So point 1 falls.
Point 2: “They cause pride.” Nope. Nothing /causes/ you to pride. First, a definition: Legalism, properly understood, is when someone is depending on their own good works as righteousness before a holy God. It has nothing to do with how high their standard is. I’ve noticed that in the Christian world, people tend to cry “legalism” when someone has a higher standard than they do. So for example, someone has no problem with watching movies where God’s name is taken in vain. But to others, that offends their conscience. They’re still depending on Jesus’ righteousness 110%, so truly they’re not legalists. They just have a higher standard.
These books might offer a higher standard, but that does not in themselves /cause/ anyone to sin.
However, you made a good point about man-made rules. I’ll be honest here, I haven’t read any of these books. I don’t know if they either command or simply recommend the higher standard. I also don’t know if they made a great Biblical case for courtship or if they merely drew out its implications from silence. If they command something they didn’t draw from Scripture then yes, they’ve stooped to the level of Pharisee with man-made rules. But knowing what I do about at least Josh Harris, I’d say that’s a bad judgment.
Also, the comment “one of the biggest names in the courtship movement bragged with obvious arrogance” appears to be judgmental. I don’t know how you were able to discern what was going on in his heart that day.
So point 2 mostly falls.
Point 3: I am a guy who, since coming to Christ, has successfully fought lust of the mind for twelve years. Only once in 12 years did I allow my mind to drift into lust, and that’s under the blood now. Further, I have a very low testosterone level. So I am not tempted lust like your typical guy.
Why am I telling you my mental and physiological history? To let you know that I am /still/ tempted regularly. Several times a week.
If I, who am so able to both in Christ and medically resist temptation, am regularly tempted, how much more a typical Christian guy?
It’s been my observation that in general, ladies _simply_do_not_understand_this_. Point 3 seems to make this same mistake. You don’t seem to have a grasp just how tempting it can be to be left alone with /any/ woman, even if you’re successful at fighting lust.
Not to mention, if it was discovered that you two were alone, even if _nothing_ happened the man’s character might be called into question.
So while it is not commanded in Scripture never to allow a man to be alone with a woman, it is certainly wise advice! I’ve been alone with a woman a few times in the last 12 years. I have no guilt in that. But I also know it was risky.
If you feel guilt for being alone, yes reject it. But also, please be wise. I’m grateful for your honesty in this point. But what I hear about your past fears when you hugged someone or stuck your tongue out is not so much a desire to be wise as it is about being afraid what others will think of you. Is it possible that’s not wisdom speaking, but the fear of man? I suspect so, with words like “what is he thinking”, “I felt myself looking down on the situation, amazed that nobody thought twice about it”, etc. But only you know for sure. It may be best for you to take a step back and reflect.
Yes, guys _do_ need help controlling themselves. Take care not to lay down any stumbling block before men. Sanctification is a community project. Please be well-informed about the opposite sex.
So point 3 falls.
Point 4: “Faith says “I will risk everything, I will trust Whom I cannot see, surrender what I cannot control anyway.”” Risk what? Again, we have to define terms.
If you call it “faith” to never wear a seat belt, to smoke cigarettes as you please, to eat a low-fiber/high-cholesterol diet because “You can do everything “right” and your life can still suck”, then you’ve made unwise decisions.
I understand risky faith to be this: You study the risks and apply Scriptures where applicable, but there are still gaps in your knowledge so you have to take risks. You don’t know how he will react to your request to date/court. You want to move to Iraq but you don’t know how the locals will react. So you take a risk, in faith.
The Proverbs are loaded with these kinds of “formulas”. A soft answer turns away wrath. Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Answer not a fool according to his folly. Etc. No one is accusing Solomon of teaching formulas to trust in.
As I understand the courtship message, they’re saying that dating is inherently risky. You’re playing out mini-divorces every time you break up and move on. My wife and I didn’t practice this, and we’re not divorced. We’re doing OK. As you said, “You can do everything “wrong” and still be blessed.”
I think there is a category confusion here. Formulas /can/ be taught by some as promises. “Courtship guarantees a good marriage.” But formulas should really be better thought of as proverbs. “Courtship will tend to promote good marriage.” Knowing what I know about Josh Harris, I think he’s likely teaching the latter.
So point 4 falls.
As I take a step back and think about it, I suspect that what began as wise advice from the pro-courtship crowd has been turned into a Pharisaical command. It could have been Josh Harris et. al. who turned it into a command. But it’s also possible you’ve conflated wisdom with command in your mind, and are reacting thusly. But there are babies in that bath water. Let’s not throw them out. Courtship seems to me to be wise, Biblical advice, when handled properly.
Disclaimer: This topic not a very big deal to me because I didn’t court before marriage, I’m already married and none of my kids/my friend’s kids are of dating age. As of right now, I could take courtship or leave it. I used to attend a Sovereign Grace church so I like Josh Harris but I haven’t listened to him in years, and I have no desire to defend him if he’s wrong. I’ve never read any of these books. I came here with an open mind, hoping to learn, for when my home schooled children do become old enough to date/court. I’m left with the conclusion that your fears have little merit and courtship is wise advice (but not a command).
P.S. I don’t intend on debating. If I’m mistaken, write a response for the others to read. You may have the last word. God bless!
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Clarification on my response to point 1: Yes, do love your children. But attraction is not the same as love. If my wife were to go around indulging in attraction to other men I would not call her faithful. However, if she would love other men as defined by 1Cor 13, I would loudly commend her godliness. There’s a difference between attraction and affection and true love.
Clarification on my response to point 4: Risky faith looks at what we are called or commanded to do, applies the Scriptures and does research. If there are still gaps in knowledge, one takes risks. By contrast, there is no calling nor command to marry. Certainly, we have freedom! Marriage is good. But there’s no calling/command. What if risky faith involves a lifetime of celebacy so as to focus on King Jesus’ work in the world? (See 1Cor 7.)
Clarification on my disclaimer: I also haven’t listened to any sermons or watched any videos on courtship. I’ve only learned of it second-hand.
I advise you, not as a word of command, but as a word of advice: Don’t take unnecessary risks. Don’t date. It’s not wise. That is all 🙂
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I agree, courtship doesn’t have to be played out in such a legalistic way, that inherently it’s supposed to be an approach to a relationship which aims to please God and hopefully end in marriage. But growing up in a home that was feeding me courtship from age 11, the fear and rules far outweigh the actual aim to please God. And perhaps it doesn’t CAUSE pride, but it certainly doesn’t discourage it. Nothing outside of us CAUSES sin. You spoke of the temptations that arise simply by being alone with a woman. That situation does not CAUSE you to sin. But obviously it’s an issue for you. So, when you are literally told that you are a prize for remaining emotionally and sexually pure, but if you fail to do so, you’re no better than a piece of trash, it lends itself to either pride or an incredible amount of shame – leaving little room for the equal footing that Christ’s work on the cross has given us. And as for the love vs. attraction thing… it’s all well and good to say that loving with a 1 Corinthians 13 love is admirable, but try telling your parents (who have spoonfed you courtship) that you love a man, not are attracted to him, but love him with a 1 Corinthians 13 love and see how they react.
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So you know nothing about courtship but you have an opinion about it? Also, I prefer not to think of all men as one hair away from raping every woman in site…
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I love it how people show up with all their advice while admitting they know next to nothing on the topic. And the author (and myself) has spent years and years and years in this environment and spent a great deal of time thinking through and reading about this topic.
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Those who have never been there are always the first with the glib advice towards those who are there. Remember Job’s counselors?
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Parody time:
“I haven’t read ANY of the 3 books currently under discussion. Nevertheless, I already know which of the author’s points “fall”. See how I’ve numbered them? Oh wait, actually it was the author who numbered them. But, it sure does make me look like King of Logic Hill, doncha think?
Oh, about that there logic: I don’t exactly like it when people point out I LITERALLY don’t know what I’m talking about. For that reason, I don’t intend to respond if/when somebody inevitably points this little tidbit out.
I’m a busy man. Far too busy for books or debates. The only thing I have time for is jumping into a conversation that I haven’t begun to understand, and trying to steer it.
Basically what I’m getting at, is that I’m just here to make declarations. I don’t really feel the need to back any of them up.
So by all means, write a response that “others may read”. However, since I am almost certain I would find it uncomfortable reading, I now intend to (magnanimously! I insist, magnanimously) hide under my bed.
And I warn you- the entrance shall be guarded with a massive effluvium of verbiage.”
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You left out the next sentence by Lewis:
“The only place other than Heaven where you can be completely safe from the dangers of love is Hell.”
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I was raised in large homeschooling family, who taught courtship as the best/most godly/ONLY way, and I think this article is spot on. I was taught so many of these same confusing and impossible standards, including the idea that asking “how far can I go physically?” is bad. What you should be doing instead is just staying as far away from potential sin as possible, that way, no accidental…I don’t know….eye contact? While my parents preached courtship and gave us books to read, and the whole thing, they didn’t actually seem to know how to implement it. We were pretty isolated and disconnected from even the local home schooling community, so there were no obvious prospects, and I think they must have probably just been waiting around for God to take care of things himself. Anyway, the result is that I am 31 years old, and have never been in a romantic relationship of any kind, had my first kiss, or even been on a date. I think I am doing well in the other aspects of my life, I am a functioning member of society and have taught myself how to interact with my peers in a somewhat competent way (most people have no idea that I was home schooled), but I’m stuck on the guy thing. I just heard the whole thing demonized for so long, that I shut that part of myself off entirely. This aspect of my life is my new personal project, and after some serious effort, I have recently become pretty good at flirting. 🙂 But I would tell anyone with kids: teaching your children that any part of their humanity is inherently bad, will screw them up for the rest of their lives. This kind of parenting has serious consequences.
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Amanda,
Yup. I’m 28. A similar story. Good for you for buckling down to learn this massively confusing second culture. It’s actually a relief to go abroad, I’ve found. You’re not expected to know how the culture works, the way you are in the States.
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I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. I live 4000 miles from the US, and still some of the purity movement’s ideas seriously damaged my life.
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Yes, I completely understand you Amanda; I grew up home-schooled, in an isolated area and it was only when I moved away from home that I actually was able to start coming out of my shell. People never guess I am homeschooled now but I still struggle when interacting with the opposite sex, merely because I often feel overwhelmed with guilt that I let welcomed a kiss or hug from some man I went on a date with.
My parents still preach the hard line and while I am now 27 and relatively free, I look at my younger siblings and wish I could help them escape the trap they find themselves in.
In helping me start dating I found a wonderful book that pushed me in the right directions. “How to find a date worth keeping” By Dr Henry Cloud is a Godly guide to getting dates.
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Youn did a good job here… Years ago, I was a youth pastor when all the kiss dating goodbye stuff came out. I had tons of homeschooled kids in my group and they had all complied with parents and did away with dates. It seemed like a good practice, but my wife and I wondered if it could really work, or was just another high type A, Christian-controlled formula? We didn’t practice it in any way when we dated and we’ve been married for 23 years, but “maybe it is good for these kids” we said. Your article really put light to the subject. Thanks.
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Great post!
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This is about making the best choices from the start – not about undoing wrongs. Dating adds unnecessary pressures to teens due to hormones sparking every which way. The love you have for your children is NOT the same love you have for someone you date, or even your spouse. They are different loves. That is a totally irrelevant issue. Being attracted to someone because you find they are cute, or because you like their personality or they make you laugh, etc. is normal – there is no shame in that. Acting on it in a way that gets your hormones flared up will only cause you grief in the long run. Wisdom needs to prevail. There IS such a thing as soul-ties – when two people have sex, the bible says they become one. This causes problems later in a marriage – people shouldn’t have anyone or anything to compare their spouse with (ie. past partners). You only have one FIRST of anything – first kiss, first sex experience, etc. Don’t you think it’s special to give those “firsts” to your future spouse?
The point you make about pride is not related to the courtship issue at all – that’s a heart issue that would carry over from other aspects of your life -not just courtship. Whomever stated they didn’t tell their spouse they loved them until their wedding day is messed up. I don’t see anyone asking for another’s hand in marriage and not telling them they loved them. Also, it’s your opinion that he stated it in arrogance – maybe he wasn’t being prideful at all but just making a statement.
If you feel guilt – I believe it would be one of two things. One, your doing something that you conscience is telling you is wrong. Or two, your living in legalism. Both can cause serious issues if ignored and not dealt with properly.
The only “right formula” is God’s plan for you life. You can do all the things you think are right but without God in the middle of it, it can still be horribly wrong in the end. God has plans for everyone – and the plan He has for me, isn’t the same as my neighbors, or Josh Harris, or anyone else. You can only live your life if you truly know who you are in Christ and know what and why you believe with you believe. Otherwise, you end up in indecision and on the fence.
We have had many talks (and continue to do so) with our kids to teach them why we do what we do. We believe courtship is the best method for keeping yourself pure for your future spouse. It helps determine if you have the same beliefs and values and goals in life, to get to know their family (you don’t just marry the person, you marry the family too) to see how they interact with the rest of your family, etc. We want our kids to enjoy their friendships and their youth, to focus on learning and school, to form life-long friendships, to grow into the person God wants them to become and develop all the life skills they need for their future family – without the hindrances of emotionally-charged dating relationships.
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I need to seriously challenge things you said, and also things many people here said about courtship. There are words that need to get out… This article resonates so much.
This is gonna be long, but I need to explain my background, to make my point..
I come from a christian home far, far away from the US. (Prague, Czech Republic. Yes, the most atheistic country in the whole world). I was born just before the downfall of the eastern bloc, grew up in 90’s and was going to church every Sunday with my parents.
I was seriously bullied as a child, because of my christian background (1). I was regularly beaten up. I was 11, and I once took a knife 13 inches long to defend myself in class (never took it out of the backpack though).
I escaped from the pain by reading fantasy books, watching action movies, playing hero games, and as I discovered my sexuality, sadly, seeking pornography. Amazingly enough, at that time I had a 7-month long relationship with a classmate, with whom we even *gasp* held hands!
I believed in Christ when I was 15. The Holy Spirit came to my life, and it was like a flash in the sky. I did a lot of radical changes during that time, I stopped reading fantasy books, playing videogames, I even threw out posters. I quit watching porn.
I started to read christian books and I literally met Joshua Harris (pun intended).
His radicalism was like a guidance to me – I suddenly had an idea how to approach life and girls! Or better, don’t approach them at all. Now.
There were at least six girls whom I could date between my 15th birthday and 21st. I never dated anyone. I believed I was dirty beyond repair because of porn addiction I had in my past. But even that slowly faded away.
At 21, I fell in love with a girl from my high school – a former formal catholic, then atheist, but at that time starting to believe on her own… I wanted to date her, but she was everything but perfect from the side of Joshua Harris. She dated few guys before she met me, she had some „further experiences“… And she was not a complete believer, although she was not a non believer.
I was not a college graduate, I didn’t have any income, I was emotionally upset (not only because I really wanted her).
She told me once how much she hates “christian books”. (that was also painful).
She even told me that she wouldn’t exclude the possibility of… you know what (ouch!). She was so hot in my eyes. I was terrified.
She was a strong character, clever, righteous girl (yes, righteous!) with much problems in her faith, but she was sincerely searching.
There were so much reasons why the courtship dating experts would gasp…and cry “heeey, you should stop that at once!!!”
I was torn in two, literally circled around her for months, and was thinking (and praying) only about what should I do, what should I do. Biggest shame is (stress on that) that I literally wasted this time only thinking what is right instead of getting to know her. I only fantasized about her, idealized her, was hurt by reality (as she was not the kind of Lady I sought, but much more one I needed), and I fantasized over again. I skipped the real girl next to me, and then it was too late. Maybe I’d break up with her anyway (I try to believe so) but I don’t know, and that’s what hurts most.
So, one day I held her by hand, the other I told her I can’t go any further…
She must’ve suffered a lot by that.
But if you want to be sincere, you either jump on the train, or jump out.
I started dating her in the spring of 2008, only to be in much greater torment.
I was desperate and went to one of the elders of my church for advice. He told me I really want to break up with her, and I believed him.
I broke up with her the next day, and never spoke or seen her since that. For real, I dated her only for a few days, so strong were the „objections“ inside.
That day haunted me since then, and healing just the bleeding heart took three years (I am not exaggerating). The pain was excruciating, but in some way, it was at least over.
Six years passed.
Right now I am 26, a graduate, I date a believing girl for two and a half years, and seek if it is wise to marry her. And deep in my heart, I still struggle. Am I defiled by the things that happened six years ago?
Now, there are only two solutions – either that relationship was wrong from the beginning, or something inside me is not good.
I still have those events inside me. I am dating someone else (someone wonderful!), and before marrying, I’d like to shake it off.
Now, conclusion and explanation that took me years to find, and I am not over with it.
I think that an integral part of the courtship movement ideas are things that come from the medieval courtship culture (even the name itself) and romantic (romantism) interpretation of it.
The latter is a wonderful, beautiful teaching. It is full of death, it is an unholy, dangerous teaching that contradicts Bible and leads only to destruction. This contradiction explains why so many fall for it.
I fell for both courtships, because I needed to escape the harsh reality of my life. I wanted to be the hero, to fight for my lady. I wanted to be the strongman, the knight, to bring a rose to the Only and One Girl In The Whole Universe, Who Has Only to Accept My Eternal Love.
I was very devoted.
But if you read on the romantic myth, the hero… dies (2). Yes, DIES. You simply cannot be the hero AND come to fulfillment of your love. The goal of romantism is eternal death. Read Tristan and Isolde – the Knight and his Lady are forever banned by Fate from fulfillment, they simply cannot be together – either by code of Honor, either by Law, or by Obedience. And thus only one “pure” option remains – death. Let me cite: “The lovers’ bodies were buried side by side. From his grave grew a vine and from her grave grew a rosebush. As they reached toward heaven the vine’s and the rosebush’s branches intertwined with one another, showing that in the end love conquers all.” (3)
I tell you, this (inner) death is far less beautiful in reality than in books. You cry, you blow your nose. You come to the end depressed, empty, unwilling. It pushes your face in mud, slaps you and forces you to slave. It is not a beautiful death.
I see so many of these unhealthy concepts in christian courtship ideas. It is not that I say they are evil, or that it is intentional. I don’t judge – I was the same radical. I was hurt by the world, and I needed a solution – something I could lay my life on, some guidance.
But romantism is something that is NOT in the Bible. Do you see biblical heroes? David, loved by God? Remember what he commited? Solomon, Jedidiah, who had a concubinate? Abraham, and funny enough his son Isac too, pretended her wives were their sisters out of fear… Even in the New testament we read that “a man should have only one wife”. Did elders of the first churches have more than one?
We read about real people in the Bible – flawed, but real. And these people are loved by God. And He doesn’t always point out their mistakes. He lives in reality, not in dreams.
Moreover, do we read anywhere in the Bible – anywhere – that a man has only one love in the whole world, which he should seek whole his life? Do we read that there is only one woman in the world? How come then, that we teach our kids that they should “wait” for the “Mr. Right”/”Mrs. Right”? Because one thing is loving oneself enough to not fall in love with a prick, other is to introduce romantism instead of Bible.
Yes, I am biased, because I am a bad product, low quality (I dated and *gaaaasp* was passively even *gasp* french kissed by someone I am not going to marry!! How can I clean myself of this flaw??).
My life was driven by Fate – (I called it God’s plan).
I tell you what I think about the Harris’s books – combined with my perception of love and romantism, they brought me some six years of pain, and three of that were pure torment.
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Final words I need to say
Mean that godine of that way
Has silver eyes and darker hair
Of beauty is, but feel that air
That‘s foul of lies around her
And her breath is hot and cold
But brings death to whom she holds
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In 3/2010, when I was in the middle of it all, I wrote a poem about all this. I link out, read it, if you like. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ho6JnQn900CWlOym5-fblY_UcFls15jJrPQ0U3kGnFM/edit?usp=sharing
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(1) An awful lot of misconceptions that I’ve been taught in sunday school really helped my attackers, I could write books on that.
(2) I really encourage everyone who goes through same experience as me, to read “We: Understanding Psychology of Romantic Love” by Robert Johnson.
http://www.amazon.com/We-Understanding-Psychology-Romantic-Love/dp/0062504363 .
(3) http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/tristan.html
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I’m sorry that these helpful tools seemed to turn you against those that are trying to do right, for the right reason. These are quite blanket statements, that don’t take into account any of the blessings that have come from starting relationships this way. We may not see eye to eye with everyone about certain Christian topics, but in this day where Satan is doing his very best to cause conflict and confusion, we need to make sure we are focusing on being the salt and light and not spending all our time pointing out the flaws of those that are truely trying to walk in truth. Every Christian family needs more encouragement in these days than accusation!
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Your non-apology aside, you seem to think that “trying to do right” negates any negative effects or actions. When, in fact, that is very inaccurate. Good motives and bad actions often go together, especially in matters of religion. I point out flaws in teachings that have harmed people for the same reason we might warn someone of a danger along the road. What I do with my time is my business. I choose to use my time to help people process and heal and to warn others of dangers along the road, warning of teachings that place heavy burdens on God’s children, being a light, as you put it.
Satan has nothing to do with anything. Christians are doing just fine causing conflict all by themselves. Ignoring bad teachings and trying to silence those who would warn against them will do and has already done far more damage to Christianity than critically critiquing bad teachings.
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I don’t know why the picture of Elisabeth Eliot’s Passion and Purity is at the top. Boy, was that a misfire. Talk about insinuating negatively about the most accurate, leading Christian woman’s voice.
However, the point about Josh Harris and giving away pieces of your heart is a good one, as well as the training to shut down natural functions that must later be undone. But that certainly doesn’t apply to Elisabeth Eliot.
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Agreed. I’m guessing the picture is up there because it falls under the broad category of courting and purity, but I completely agree with you. I actually own the book, found it quite helpful, and have the utmost respect for Elisabeth Eliot. Thanks for pointing that out ’cause it threw me for a loop too…
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Reason #1:
Reason #2:
“I’m so grateful for [Elisabeth Elliot]. I can still remember the day I got her endorsement for my first book in the mail.” ~ Josh Harris [source]
Reason #3:
“Since the time of its publication, Passion and Purity has gained notoriety in conservative evangelical circles, and was largely responsible for the very popular 1997 book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris. Both books have gained wide respect in conservative evangelical social practice among singles, and together have been responsible for the circulation of the word courtship, a term Harris and his supporters prefer to dating. Harris has argued that courtship’s connotation is more in keeping with the kind of romantic programme espoused by both him and Elliot.” [source]
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Anyone who implies anything negative about Elisabeth Elliot, the most reliable and respected female Christian voice, loses my respect and any platform with me, which the picture above did, although she wasn’t mentioned in the article.
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Are you aware that Elisabeth Elliott was a regular speaker at Bill Gothard’s training school for ATI girls?
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Good point, Jeri.
Elliot teaching at ATI with Bill Gothard: http://books.google.com/books?id=hXlm6ReG9OsC&pg=PA130&lpg=PA130&dq=%22Elisabeth+Elliot%22+AND+%22bill+gothard%22&source=bl&ots=A64yU4zOkr&sig=Kh_2RWKnXGScH2EvviIag0mCNu8&hl=en&sa=X&ei=rPjGU66qLsLqoAT_9IHICg&ved=0CD4Q6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=%22Elisabeth%20Elliot%22%20AND%20%22bill%20gothard%22&f=false
Elliot teaching for years with IBLP’s EXCEL program: http://www.elisabethelliot.org/ramble/ramblings061709.html
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I have felt so much of this! Just this year have I begun to realize how much damage I’ve had to undo because of these teachings from high school. I do have one little thought to add: I think that giving your entire heart to someone you’re attracted to can be damaging, as well. I understand the flaws in the “guard your heart” mentality, but I still think whatever attraction or interest we have in someone should be prayed through. We can accept the attraction and ask Jesus to keep us from becoming unhealthily obsessed or over-invested.
Thank you for sharing!
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What you are adding here is important and probably falls under the category of practicing healthy relationships with good boundaries. I mean this in a holistic sense (as in all relationships–romantic or otherwise–should involve personal boundaries), something very different from courtship’s concept of “guarding your heart.” Courtship often constructs a too strong boundary between young people and an insufficient one between the young people and their parents.
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Well, I find it interesting that you are sharing your perception of what the other authors are saying as if your perception of it is what they intended. I did not get the same things from the books you are talking about, at all. Yes, our human nature twists and corrupts all that we put our hands too, so there may be people who get it wrong. However, after reading Josh’s book (for example), I took what was valuable to me and what God led me to and used that to teach my kids about being chaste and pure. It is not about legalism. It is not to be prideful. That is human nature twisting the concept.
I finally figured out that teens and young adults will blame ANYTHING for what they see as the disappointments of adult life. Adult life is not what you expected and so you have to BLAME something. It is usually related to their parents. Whether they blame the homeschool program they were brainwashed into or the Christian sect their parents belonged to or that parents were abusive or that parents did not pay them any attention or that parents abandoned them or that their parents made bad choices in some way, in all of this, it is the parent’s fault that the child is disappointed in their life.
Guess what? LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Life is not equal. Life is not what you expected. Life can be beautiful and you can embrace your relationship with God and you can put things into God’s hands. You can back off from the teachings you do not like and that you feel brought out pride or shame or confusion for you. This does not mean they are bad or have that effect on everyone. It is one thing to warn that this mindset COULD cause pride or shame, another to throw out the perfectly acceptable concept of not being promiscuous with your heart mind and body. Your judgmental heart is now focusing on shaming others and being prideful in another area, since you are so much better than these “purity people”. Warn people of their propensity to fall victim to human nature and take their eyes off Jesus. But don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.
Since you have no way to know whether the alternative would have been better for you, it is not reasonable to say that it did not “work”. What if you had been promiscuous and got in bed with anyone who wanted to. Would you be worse off than you are today? I doubt that you would say no. Even if it was “only” unwanted pregnancy or STDs. Isn’t that enough?!? It was never about being proud and thinking you are better than everyone who does not follow this path. It was about trying to find a path that minimizes the hurt, that minimizes the pain of the human condition and keeps you physically safe.
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Promiscuity is not the only alternative to courtship.
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Darcy, great article!!! I so agree with you, Tessa, and ElenaLee. ElenaLee, you hit the nail on the head and summed this all up perfectly in your brief response to Carol O.
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For the record, my “adult life” is far beyond what I ever expected, thanks to utterly rejecting everything I was taught and living in freedom. My life is beautiful, full, and happy. This is in spite of the damaging ways I was raised, not because of them. It’s taken me years, but here I am…free, happy, and enjoying my life with my husband (whom I married in spite of my parent’s forbidding I speak to him), raising children outside of oppressive religious culture where they can be free to love and show empathy, preparing for a career in counseling where I will have the joy of helping others to heal for the rest of my life. It’s more than my heart can contain some days. Your assumptions about my thinking and perspective and motives tickled me. They couldn’t be more wrong.
And in case you’re interested, I collected stories from many other people regarding how these teachings affected them. This is just the tip of the ice berg, having been a part of alumni groups for over 5 years now and come in contact with thousands of other people who were raised with these same teachings. These stories can be found here: http://darcysheartstirrings.blogspot.com/2011/01/emotional-purity-and-courtship-take-2.html
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Carol O. You seem to imply that being promiscuous and being full-on pure and chaste are the only two options. Had it struck you that either of these extremes are damaging and that the author is not promoting the other extreme of promiscuity, but perhaps a more realistic and balanced view of dating, love, and sexuality. I know I would have been better off with a balanced approach. Instead I did the courtship thing, married, and then found out I was with a man who had liked me because I was a naiive virgin. His next victim was a 12-year old girl. Yes, a more realistic and balanced approach would have been much better for me.
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Wow, is about all I can say to this. I’ve always known there were two sides to this whole courtship thing, but I’ve never been able to put my finger on it. I’ve never liked this new fad of courting, even the word I can’t stand, though I never fully knew why. It just left this bad taste in my mouth and had a sense of falseness: a standard of purity and wonderfulness that I could never live up to, a way of viewing relationships that wasn’t natural and made me, like you said, feel sinful for even having a slight crush. While I can see the point Joshua Harris and others are making and while I agree there is some truth to it, I also see your point and I thank you for sharing it, because it finally put into words what my heart was feeling but my mind couldn’t formulate.
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Purity culture was created by sex addicts. People who have so much obsession with sexuality or with objectifying the opposite sex think it’s healthy to suppress sexuality for obvious reasons, but it is no fix. As we have seen recently in the news (ie: Bill Gothard and Doug Phillips) they are never cured, but rather take advantage of those that they teach.
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There are so many layers here it is nearly impossible to address the post without peeling back the other layers. I’m well familiar with the disgruntled movement of adults who were homeschooled. Some of it is based on real abuse and false teaching, and some of it stems from a victim mentality so prevalent in our culture. Even in the comments here, the misunderstanding and purposeful misconstruing of ideas is evident. (For example, someone mentioned the purity culture being created by sex addicts. That’s a damaging statement with a lot of untruth. My husband and I were the product of “normal” dating, full of promiscuity and brokenness. We knew early on we didn’t want that route for our children though we had never heard of any of these authors at the time. Parents seeking to offer their children something different from the destructive methodologies of the culture shouldn’t be villainized with such blanket statements.)
Another comment reveals tremendously bad theology which should alert any Christian with discretion: “But I would tell anyone with kids: teaching your children that any part of their humanity is inherently bad, will screw them up for the rest of their lives.”
The most basic understanding of Scripture teaches that ALL of humanity is inherently bad. It’s the whole reason we need a Savior and to teach your children any different is what will screw them up.
Darcy’s article presupposes a lot. For all the people who have given their testimonies for what how “purity culture” damaged them, there are as many, and probably more who could testify differently. Parents attempting to help their children approach marriage differently can look a thousand ways. But at the heart is a desire to help our children grow in grace and yes, purity. It can be done, and is often done (if you talk to the right people) without the shame, pride and dysfunction. It’s not from a set of rules but from a an idea or principle gleaned from God’s Word.
I’ve watched the landscape of the homeschooling culture and I’ve seen it all. And right now we face a horrible plight: the knee jerk reaction. Where there is misuse of principle or false teaching or abuse, we run as far away from it and demonize every resemblance. This is not wisdom and mark my words, we’ll see the damage from this reaction too.
It’s akin to subscribing to the wisdom of Dave Ramsey heart and soul and then finding out Dave has been swindling money and is going bankrupt. Those formerly associated might try to disassociate from him in every way. Imagine if they threw the entirety of the teaching out and began to indulge, financially.
We must discern the difference, based on God’s Word and truth, not on how someone has misapplied a teaching, to finding godliness and then apply it to our lives.
I’m writing to those reading who may simply be pondering, not to the author or regulars at HA. I know those minds won’t be changed and that isn’t my goal. I just long to see some discernment as we navigate through this life, throwing out what is not biblical, but cleaving to what is. And last time I checked, purity was not a “destructive” trait in Scripture.
But in all things, we must walk in humility. Apart from that, anything will turn to destruction.
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Thanks for your words, Claire. Very insightful.
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I agree as well as disagree with this article. I was homeschooled, went to a Christian college, the whole nine yards. I saw many marriages brought about from courtship fail first-hand. I am happily married to a wonderful man whom my parents did not approve of. He was my first real boyfriend, my first kiss, the first guy to hold my hand, and the only one I’ve ever told I loved. I, on the other hand, was his 10th girlfriend, 2nd fiancee, and only one of the many girls that he’d told he loved or kissed etc. I love him with all my heart, and he’s a wonderful man. But, does it hurt sometimes to know that I saved all the special things for him that he didnt save for me? You bet. He has told me many times that if he could do anything in his life over he’d never have gotten involved with as many girls as he did. All the breakups and pain he went through in previous relationships has scarred him emotionally. I can’t say that if we wouldn’t have worked that I wouldn’t have moved on to another relationship, but I’m glad I never had to go through that. I know I am the exception, not the rule, but I’m glad that I was careful with my emotions and didn’t date a ton of guys. While it’s good to date and see what’s out there, just be careful. Your future spouse will have to deal with the consequences of your actions. My rule is, if you know for a fact that the man or woman youre involved with is not the one you’re going to marry, don’t waste your time or theirs. It only leads to regrets later in life. That’s just my personal experience.
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You know, my story is similar to a point. My husband was my first everything. I was the last in a long stream of girls. Regardless of what the courtship books say, this has not affected our relationship at all. He’s never felt regret that he didn’t “save himself” but then, he was never taught that he was *supposed* to feel guilty for that. He was never taught that having multiple relationships would “damage” him in any way. To him, they were friends, parts of his past life that made him who he is now. And I’ve never once felt like I was better than he for waiting, or that his past relationships have anything to do with me at all. I was even friends with one of his ex’es for a while. But I’m the one he chose to spend his life with and that’s enough for me. Neither of us have regrets in this area. I often think that we create shame for ourselves when we teach these things and it doesn’t have to be that way. We create a problem that doesn’t have to exist. We tell people they should feel guilty for something they would not have thought to feel guilty for. That’s just my thoughts based on my experience, though, not saying it’s universal or trying to negate your story at all. Just giving another perspective.
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My story is like yours with my spouse. We all experience a brokenness God never intended because we are fallen. It effects us individually and every relationship we ever have. That is why the Cross is the center of our life as Christians. Forgiveness is what makes our relationships work. Only Christ can meet our deepest needs for identity, unconditional açceptance and unfailing love. The fallen default of our heart is to look for a human to give us all that. God’s plan is to fill us up with Himself and we love other’s out of our overflow for their good and not out of our need to find these things. The Father’s goal for us is to be changed into the image of the Son. Looking like him in love and forgives (which can include some suffering and dying to self). Biblical marriage is putting on your big girl/boy pants and loving like that. The fairytale set up for marriage is courtship. Making sure nothing is broken so love is “perfect” and the other person meets all my needs. An external formula that guarantees success! The cross is what makes love beautiful and perfect because it transform the heart. Marriage ultimately is about transformation. It is about Christ likeness and it isn’t me centered. Christ is pure love and when He fills the gaping hole in the heart and we keep looking to Him we love purely. It is always a matter of the heart. External rules are means of control if the heart is not changed. When the heart is filled and changed purity springs from it. I have a relationship with the Holy Spirit who fills my spirit and By His power I choose to walk in love and not my fallen nature. This is the key. Do I believe in a moral standard? Yes. Do I believe guidelines are helpful? Yes. The key to it is a heart in active relationship with God not external rules to make sure my flesh behaves.
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You’ve hit the nail on the head. The key to this whole issue is balance. I’m like you: I was raised in a Christian home, went to a Christian college, etc. I haven’t had any tremendous personal issue with all this like so many people have. I mentioned that I’ve never liked the whole concept because it just felt unnatural and unattainable. Yet I’m with you on the dating thing. What’s the point of dating someone if you’re only going to break up? What’s the point of damaging your heart, another persons’s, and having all that baggage? The answer to this IKDG problem is not whether we should court/date, whether we should save our whole heart/give it away, whether we should be friends with guys/keep them at a distance, etc. The answer to this problem is moderation. We need to have relationships with guys but in moderation. We need to save ourselves (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) for our future spouses but in moderation. If we lean to one extreme we have all these girls who can’t have a normal conversation with guys, and if we lean to the other we have girls who just sleep with anything in pants….You, and myself, are the exception, not the rule, as you say but we have to be the rule if relationships and marriage are ever going to function and be healthy the way God intended.
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Darcy, ElenaLee, Rebecca, yes!!! Balance, yes!!!
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“What’s the point of dating someone if you’re only going to break up?” As a former fundie homeschooler who is now humanist atheist in a serious relationship heading toward marriage, I can say that a. If you never try, you never reach any goal. b. I only dated one person seriously before my current SO (and was NEVER promiscuous) and while it broke my heart when we broke up, I will always be grateful for that experience and glad that it happened. I grew enormously as a person through that relationship and I believe my ex did as well – that relationship, in which I was a quivering wreck of nerves and neuroses that tried its very best to be a good partner, laid a lot of ground work that was necessary for the healthy relationship I have now found. c. every romantic relationship ends, with the best scenario being that it ends at death. The fear of loss is itself a lousy reason to avoid dating.
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Amazing article and extremely wise, God-given insight. Thank you for sharing.
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Reblogged this on Morning Coffee with a Splash of Truth and commented:
This has a lot of truth to it… The whole idea of “emotional purity” probably sounds like a great idea to parents wanting to protect their kids, and it even made sense when I was being fed this through church and homeschool groups. (Yes, I went to a conference about courtship…) To this day, I’m still dealing with the effects of this indoctrination. I’m having to re-learn what a normal relationship looks like.
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This is so accurate. I grew up in this culture and was indoctrinated in this mindset. I’m still dealing with the effects of this and my relationships have suffered because of this. I don’t know what a “normal” relationship looks like. Hope you don’t mind I reflagged this on http://www.coffeeandtruth.wordpress.com
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Though sad, what a relief to hear that others out there are struggling with the same things. I came from a very strict homeschool family, and from a very cult-like religious group. I have a very sensitive heart and so these teachings had a PROFOUND affect on my life. I have since left the group and am recovering slowly but surely, but it is indescribably painful. My idea of true sin is skewed, I suffer from deep fear and anxiety, have been obsessed about sin (not sinning), have experienced guilt and shame for seemingly everything- wanting to look beautiful, walking (we were taught about not swinging our hips as women, which could cause a man to lust), looking a guy in the eyes, looking at myself in the mirror (pride), feeling incredibly uncomfortable being in the same room with a guy, even a co-worker, and the list goes on and on. Many times I have wished to die, longing to be free from all of this which has perhaps “saved” me from certain sins, but has brought death to me spiritually, emotionally, and mentally in the process. I keep telling myself that some of the most beautiful things rise out of the ashes of brokenness and pain, so I press on. Thank you to all who have the bravery to share the truth of their struggles, it gives hope to us all.
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Did you get lessons on how to bend over and sit so guys won’t lust after you too? It’s so stupid to think about it now. BTW, I highly recommend personal counseling for help working through these issues. Not counseling with a pastor, but a professional, licensed therapist, specifically one who is familiar with religious abuse. So many of us have been helped by this on our healing journeys.
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Amber, I can dispel one of your tragically unnecessary guilts: We women can’t walk without “swinging” them. “Rotating” is more accurate. We rotate our hips slightly when we place one foot in front of the other pointing directly in front of ourselves, not out at an angle. Our hips tilt outward slightly, forming a bowl to accommodate a growing fetus. A man’s hips don’t have that outward tilt; that’s how the sex of human skeletons is determined. Next time someone criticizes you for swinging your hips, tell them you don’t want to walk like a man…no need to explain; they wouldn’t listen anyway.
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I have no words adequate enough to describe how good and true this article is. It comes to me at a time in my life when I am finally starting to deal with the psychological windfall of these teachings–and to all the naysayers: yes, the windfall is involuntary, widespread, and very toxic. Thank you for writing this.
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Sad how nasty we Christians can be. I am grateful to live in a country where we are free to speak our minds and our heads are not cut off because we don’t agree with someone else.
Thank you for this thoughtful post. Thank you for the thoughtful and less thoughtful responses. I learn from both, I hope you do as well.
Here is what I learned today: I lack humility. Truth apart from love is a resounding gong. God’s word is Truth. I will always be imperfect and in need of God’s grace. Kindness promotes healing. Jesus suffered on my behalf and I am not nearly grateful enough, forgive me Lord.
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Reblogged this on Under the Lights and commented:
Growing up, I’ve had a lot of these same thoughts fed to me from others and from my own mind. After going through a relationship with the mindset that I had to marry the first guy I dated, and then breaking up and the emotional damage that caused, I have been rethinking my ideas of dating, marriage, and the age old “guarding your heart.” I think this blog post hits it spot on.
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Hey, I appreciated the word of warning here. I’ve been really attracted to the Joshua Harris books and this perspective was a good reminder to me to be sure what I teach my kids is balanced and reflects the needs of their individual personalities.
One comment: Balance really is the keyword here. I had some serious long-standing crushes as a teen, and I don’t think they harmed me any (though they may have been painful at the moment)! However, my husband went “too far” in some of his relationships, engaging with a former girlfriend in physical and emotional ways (though they technically protected their virginity) that made it hard for him to release his past and really connect with me when we were first married. Though everyone involved tried to exercise forgiveness toward themselves and others, it still led to a lot of pain for all of us. So don’t throw all of Josh Harris’s warnings out the window. I appreciate the person who commented that we really have to intentionally give this aspect of our lives into God’s hands and let Him lead us in our choices. Only He is wise enough to guide each one of us… and our children.
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Thank you for this.
When wisdom is hijacked by fear the result is usually more rules -fences around fences. You can tell that grace is no longer a part of the equation when God’s permission has to be qualified with “yeah-but” disclaimers and words are re-defined. When “impure” means having a God-given sexual feeling and “lust” is merely being attracted to someone, or “guarding your heart” means shutting it down, as you mentioned, for example, fear is running the show. Self-control (moderation) is a fruit that comes from Holy Spirit — whose love casts out fear.
The actions of Godly wisdom and of human fear may look the same for a while, but one leads to freedom and the other to more slavery. (See Galatians) God sees the heart -and there’s a wideness in his mercy. The road may be relatively narrow, but it’s hard to dance on a tight rope of our own making.
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Wow, this is echoing everything I’m having to go through now and why this concept of “saving your heart” never made sense to me. Thank you for putting into words the crazy thoughts that are in my head and help me realize I’m not the only one who is struggling with this.
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I appreciate the honesty & vulnerability shown here. I grew up reading these books as well. I can definitely relate to the idea that those teachings do make me suspicious of honestly good, well-meaning men because I was taught those friendships don’t exist. So my mind often “goes there” when it should just be a normal exchange and no one else is thinking what I am thinking. The logic almost works against itself to where we turn every exchange into a “suspicious” one, and we miss the wholesome friendships we COULD be having…. I don’t agree with the whole article, but there are some good thoughts here. Well said.
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thank you so much for writing this. i have always struggled with point 3. and have recently tried to explain/process these feelings/fears/insecurities. it was super difficult to put into words, but this really made sense to me and i hope this can lend itself to my recovery process.
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Reblogged this on 2 Morrow / Our Life and commented:
Some great thoughts concerning Christian dating and the abuse of Christian jargon.
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THANK YOU. I grew up in it and now struggle to get married… my first “courtship” didn’t work out and I didn’t know what to do or how to process the shock that the first relationship I had didn’t lead to marriage… I was always told “Jesus is the only guy you need until God brings you a fleshy one”… and have sought to slowly learn what a ‘normal’ relationship looks like. . . your writing resonates with me!
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The author was either poorly taught or poorly implemented what he was taught. One need only look to the results of “normal” societal teachings on relationships and courtship to see that almost anything would be better.
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I think that the original intent and purpose of the courtship movement was good. Most of the driving forces behind it had made the typical mistakes of American dating, with promiscuity, or at least a lot of sexual activity they regret, and a lack of serious commitment that can contribute to a problem sticking with a relationship you actually promised to stay in for life. My parents were from that background.
My background was being raised I’d never dated and should stay emotionally and physically distant until at least engagement (emotionally) and marriage (physically). Crushes were frowned upon. Flirting was a no-no. I lived by that extreme for so long that it was hard to adjust to dating when I left and to know how to handle it. It’s been difficult to know how to have a healthy marriage and allow myself to be emotionally and physically vulnerable, because ALL of the focus is on preventing mistakes instead of being well rounded. You are so afraid of making a “mistake” that you don’t know how to flirt with your spouse, even, and have a huge disadvantage when you are actually in a relationship.
Balance, please. I am far from against religion, boundaries or homeschooling, although I was raised in the extreme of all of the above. If you are a religious homeschooling parent reading this, the biggest thing I can ask of you is to remember to stay balanced. Don’t try to go so far away from temptation and normal society that your children can’t function normally without a huge struggle. Listen to what the people here are saying, so you can avoid the mistakes made with them.
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Do you feel that the lesson would have been more valuable had it been taught from a different perspective and for a different reason? No guilt, no shame, no pride. Simply that you deserve to be loved and choosing your spouse should be a decision of the mind just as much as the heart.
I’ve often said to my children that they should guard their hearts and virtue. The lesson as they grow: To guard themselves from disease, abuse, and other marital battles that often show signs before a vow is made. Even after, it is not something you HAVE to deal with. I pray they know they will have a choice and that I will love them unconditionally.
Do you believe this lesson should be tossed out completely or just its basis and masquerade as romanticism? I’d love to hear your thoughts on what I’m teaching my babies on this subject.
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Thank you so much for your words in writing this article. I grew up reading all of the courtship books, guarding your heart, etc…and it skewed many of my views as well. I wish someone had given me the tools for a realistic relationship with a guy in today’s world. The concepts in these book are not applicable to a university setting, unless you are at an ultra-conservative school. I had my first boyfriend and kiss at 21, and I wish to this day that I had been able to have the innocent dating in younger years to prepare myself for what was normal and what was not…
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Hmmm….great read. The comments really have me thinking. On a similar journey, I read every “Prov 31 Wife” book I could get my hands on until my short 4 year marriage came to a disastrous end. Now I can’t go near any kind of self-help Christian book. It’s difficult not to take away a sort of “if-then” God. I can’t help but wonder if my “dating” had been more pure, would I have had a better marriage, or more likely, would have seen the fatal flaws of a man who could not be faithful and not married him at all?
Watching the next generation in knots over courtship, doesn’t seem right. It seems jaded, stiff and without fruit. Somewhere there must be a balance.
I am still learning to be free in the relationships that God has given me with, yes (GASP) married men. Okay, really my friends who are couples. But when the man of that couple expresses friendship in helping with house projects or a loving hand toward my kids, my first thought shouldn’t be to run. It should be one of thankfulness and gratitude for the provision GOD has seen fit to provide. I think God has given me discernment to know what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. Paranoia need not apply. For it is for freedom He came to set us free.
Thank you being honest.
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Reblogged this on Write the Past…Dream the Future. and commented:
This is sooooo true. As someone who wore a purity ring for ten years and basically married her parents, the decision to give away my virginity was one of the best decisions I ever made. And the day I lost my purity ring was one of the best days of my life.
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You know I’m finding these theories and belief systems cross-over from home-schooling Christianity to main-stream conservative thought- blogs about it abound from moms who home-school,who send their kids to pvt christian and even public school- the shaming, the pride, the obsessing over’sin’, the romantism.
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