Eleanor Skelton blogs at eleanorskelton.com, is the news editor of the UCCS student newspaper, and is majoring in English and Chemistry.
“Dad, can I please have two friends from church over for a tea party sometime this month? Pretty please?”
No. No I could not, because:
– I hadn’t been doing enough housework or schoolwork.
– The house is Dad’s castle, and he doesn’t like having people over.
– I shouldn’t need friends, because my parents gave me two siblings.
Sometime in first or second grade, my A Beka penmanship book had a writing assignment called “My Best Friend.” I wrote about Abby, a girl a few months older than me whose dad was one of my dad’s colleagues. Someone I’d played with about four or five times, once or twice a year.
My cousin Bethany, five months younger, was another “best friend.” We only saw each other one afternoon out of the year at my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving.
I formed deep attachments in an hour timespan. I once told the neighbor’s granddaughter we would be best friends forever after a summer evening in the front yard. She said, “Until I move to Houston.”
I was an only child until I was nearly seven years old. Then my little sister was born. My dad bought me lemonade in the hospital cafeteria and cried, telling me he was so happy I wouldn’t be alone if something happened to him and my mom.
She was cute, but she cried a lot and I couldn’t do much more than soothe and bottlefeed her until she was two.
My little brother was born when I was about eleven, so I also helped mother him.
You don’t need friends, you have your little brother and sister.
You should care more about your family than friends. Friends are temporary, family will always be here.
My parents have barely allowed communication with my siblings since I moved out two years ago. I’m told this is their choice, out of their own free will.
My sister left home for Bob Jones University this fall, but she barely speaks to me. She says she can’t associate with me, because my life choices demonstrate that I’ve turned my back on God.
She says I don’t keep in touch, so I call once a week or so and leave a voicemail so she knows I’m here when she’s ready.
You and your sister will always have each other.
Until I go to college and decide Dad is overprotective, until I decide to move out and be independent.
Until I believed that the church was outside these walls.
If my family is always there, where are they now?
After moving out, I called two roommates my sisters, because they escaped the fundamentalist box, too. Our souls know one another, and I love them.
But my heart still has two holes. My brother and my sister.
They were the only close friends I knew over my first 23 years. I found friendship among my peers beyond acquaintance after leaving.
On September 10th and 11th of 2014, leaders of various right wing family organizations from around the world gathered at the Kremlin for what was to have been the “World Congress of Families VIII – the Moscow Congress.” The conference was a “pro-family” event that blended a mix of quiverfull, homeschooling, anti-abortion, and anti-LGBTQ organizations together.
Both Michael Farris and Michael Donnelly of HSLDA were originally slated to speak, and until now it was believed that HSLDA was one of the organizations that had pulled out of the convention because of the Crimea situation. It turns out that’s not what happened.
Other than a single reference in an article about the German Wunderlich family that Michael Donnelly, “was in Germany on his way to an international family forum in Moscow, Russia,” HSLDA has made no mention of the Kremlin conference. I have now been able to document that Michael Donnelly was not only in attendance at the forum, but that he participated as a speaker.
I suspect that given how difficult it was to track down evidence that an HSLDA representative was in Moscow, HSLDA knew that the decision to cozy up with Putin wouldn’t play well back in America. That didn’t stop them from going, however. It just stopped them from telling their members that they did it.
On September 8, 2014 Donnelly made a public Facebook post indicating he was traveling to Russia to, “encourage homeschooling families and meet with other pro-family organizations as well as policy makers to discuss parental rights and family freedom’s.”
The next day, September 9th (the morning of the 10th, Moscow time), he updated the post with a comment about meeting with leaders of the Russian Orthodox Church and his plan to attend the conference at the Kremlin that day.
Donnelly also posted a link to the Russian language site of one of the conference sponsors, indicating that he would be speaking the next day (September 11th).
We were also able to locate a video clip documenting Donnelly’s speech.
The official conference website includes the text of the speech. It’s typical HSLDA boilerplate about parental rights, the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, German homeschool laws, and scare tactics about the dangers of government overreach. The irony of claiming that government regulation of homeschooling was an unnecessary government intervention, while standing within the halls of a government that had just annexed another country’s territory by force, seems to have been lost on Mr. Donnelly.
Let me be clear here. While Michael Farris’ former employer, Concerned Women for America, bowed out of the conference because they did not wish to be seen as giving their support to an increasingly totalitarian and expansionist Vladimir Putin, HSLDA had no such qualms. They sent Michael Donnelly to the halls of the Kremlin in an action that helped add international legitimacy to Vladimir Putin’s efforts to position himself as a guardian of the family at a time when he was under growing pressure from the international community for his disregard for international law.
We do not yet know whether Vladimir Putin’s expansionist goals end with Crimea. Only time will tell. Without even going into the fact that HSLDA lent their support to an anti-LGBTQ conference at a time when the Russian government is cracking down on LGBTQ people, going so far as to propose taking away their children (something HSLDA ought to oppose but won’t), what Donnelly and HSLDA did is akin to going to a conference on families in Berlin after Germany annexed Sudetenland. You simply do not cozy up with expansionist, totalitarian regimes.
Agree or disagree with me on homeschool regulation. But HSLDA going to Moscow to a conference endorsed by the Kremlin after what Russia did in Crimea and Ukraine is irresponsible and indefensible.
As alumni of Christian homeschooling, many of us tried to kiss dating goodbye. We strove for purity, not passion. We wanted God to write our love story.
Through popular homeschool speakers like Reb Bradley, Jonathan Lindvall, Josh Harris, and Eric and Leslie Ludy, our parents desired to resurrect for us the courtship model of decades and centuries past. Some of us courted, did everything right, and our relationships were held up as the pinnacle of excellence; others of us courted, did everything right, too — only to see our relationships crumble and families torn apart. Still others of us refused to submit to the model, dating behind our parents’ backs, throwing our “purity” to wind — and ended up in loving, committed relationships. Or not.
Regardless of the results of your courtship story (or stories), you are welcome to share your experiences during HA’s next open series.
* Deadline for “Courtship” submissions: Saturday, February 14, 2015. *
CC image courtesy of Flickr, shira gal. Image links to source.
HA note: The following is reprinted with permission from Kierstyn King’s blog Bridging the Gap. It was originally published on November 18, 2014.
I had a dream last night, and in that dream I spent a lot of time with my closest-in-age sister doing chores.
She’d taken up the slack for me since I was gone and had figured out how to do all the dishes and things required for keeping a house full of 8 people clean. We talked, and I realized she wasn’t the little kid I used to know anymore. She was growing into her own, and it was beautiful…..
But also painful. Because I wasn’t there. Because I abandoned her. Because my role was forced upon her when I left and she was angry, as she had every right to be. As I watched in awe and horror as she did my job, and was surprised and sad at how good she was being the next surrogate mom. I saw her anger and depression and exhaustion and I was powerless to fix it. She had every right to be angry with me, every right to be tired. Every right to grow and become her own person and enjoy her teenage years and yet that was brutally taken away from her – like it was with me. Through no fault of our own.
My mom was in the background, hovering and dictating as she does. Neither of us dared address the actual issue or the people who were actually at fault and made the decisions we were forced to live with. I bore the blame and the anger, because it was all I could do – and I told her as much as I could that she was perfect and capable and amazing.
*****
It was only a dream, I tell myself.
And yet…..it’s probably not far from the reality.
I can’t ignore that running away, that choosing myself for the first time, didn’t leave scars on the siblings I helped raised. I wonder what it would have been like to just have siblings, instead of children – to have played and been more equal instead of responsibility for their needs foisted upon me as a child. I wish I’d been able to share childhood with them, instead of having to grow faster so I could meet their needs as a parent would. I wish I could have been real friends with my siblings, instead of nurse.
I wonder often what that’s like. What’s it like to have siblings as friends and playmates and obnoxious little sneaks, instead of people you need to raise, bathe, feed, and educate?
What’s it like to have siblings that your parents don’t cut you off from?
I wish so much didn’t happen the way it did – the way it had to.
I’m so sorry that it did, and I’m so sorry I hurt them.
Recently Will Estrada, HSLDA’s Director of Federal Relations, posted on social media an image of himself and HSLDA’s Deputy Director of Federal Relations Andrew Mullins heading to Washington, D.C. with the statement, “Snow won’t keep us from fighting for freedom on behalf of millions of homeschoolers around the world!” A homeschool alumna commented on the image, saying, “Smiling won’t keep home school kids from dying from abuse and neglect.”
Will Estrada responded (and fellow HSLDA attorney Mike Donnelly agreed with in a subsequent comment) with the following:
We’re fighting for homeschool freedom for ALL kids so they can escape bad public schools. For the gay teen being bullied and his mom wants to homeschool him. For the Christian teen who is told she can’t read her Bible. For the kids in public school who are being sexually abused (see this story: http://www.slate.com/…/is_sexual_abuse_in_schools_very…)
That catchy little slogan “all kids matter” rings hollow because HA and CRHE do nothing to help the kids in the situations above. We do. By fighting for homeschool freedom so parents, not faceless government bureaucrats, can protect their kids.
Which brings us to the major difference between HA/CRHE and HSLDA: HA/CRHE turn to the tired old liberal position: find something wrong, and add more government regulation and laws. Whereas homeschoolers find something wrong and turn to freedom. That’s why homeschool parents continue to win. Sure, HA/CRHE will continue to get little quotes in the NYT, but it’s why homeschool parents, not HA/CRHE are winning in states like VA, PA, IL, MA, and others.
Here is an image of the interaction:
Since Estrada seems unfamiliar with what HA/HARO actually is and does, and confuses us with the Coalition for Responsible Home Education (CRHE), I figured I’d clear up some things for him:
HA is Homeschoolers Anonymous, an internet project of the non-profit organization Homeschool Alumni Reaching Out (HARO). As an organization, HARO gives its unqualified support to children who experience a negative or threatening environment in public schools. This is why, from day one of our organization’s launch, we have made explicit that we support homeschooling. As HARO’s FAQ page states, “We believe that homeschooling is a powerful, useful tool. It represents a democratic approach to educational progress, innovation, and creativity. It allows a child’s learning environment to be tailored to individual and personal needs. When homeschooling is done responsibly, it can be amazing.”
So yes, Estrada, HARO does help kids who want to be homeschooled… by helping to make sure homeschooling is a place that they actually want to be and in which they will thrive.
HSLDA has made the lives of numerous homeschooled children a nightmare.
There are homeschooled children who remained trapped in abusive homesbecause of HSLDA.
So while HARO believes strongly in the power of homeschooling and believes it should be an option for children (especially at-risk children), we are not going to give Estrada gold stars for pretending that somehow bullied LGBT* kids can “escape bad public schools” because of HSLDA. He doesn’t get to whitewash his organization’s history towards either children’s rights or LGBT* issues. And we refuse to entertain Estrada’s revisionist attempt to clothe HSLDA as a champion of LGBT* children when he and his organizationdaily andexplicitlycontributeto theirdehumanization and oppression.
Finally: HARO is not the same organization as the Coalition for Responsible Home Education (CRHE), which Estrada could have discovered with a simple Google search. HARO has never been quoted in the New York Times. But if we ever have the opportunity, we would tell the newspaper the same thing we would tell Estrada: that HARO’s position is neither to “add more government regulation and laws” nor to “turn to freedom”; HARO’s position is that we must stop turning a blind eye to the children left damaged and abandoned when organizations like HSLDA value “winning” more than actual children’s lives.
Homeschool Alumni Reaching Out (HARO) is thrilled to announce our very first scholarship opportunity! Two generous members of our community have pledged the funding for a homeschool alumni scholarship for women pursuing a STEM field (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math) in post-secondary education.
What:
• One-time, $500 scholarship to be dispensed on March 31, 2015.
Qualifications:
• At least 18 years old.
• Homeschooled for 4 or more years (including at least 2 years in high school) in a conservative Christian environment,
• Identifies as female.
• Enrolled for the Spring 2015 term in a post-secondary institution in a STEM field (science, technology, engineering, math). Enrollment can be in a university, community college, or technical program.
I learned LDS doctrine and began to really see how dangerous the Patriarchy “doctrines” were. I realized that everything Doug Phillips was so persuasively teaching my mom through his books and CDs and all his lovely “Christian” products was an insidious poison that was slowly strangling me and all of my younger siblings, boys and girls alike. We butted heads constantly through our emails and letters. I began to push back harder and harder against the dangerous changes I saw her making.
She threatened on several occasions to have me sent home.
I talked with my mission President about it every time we met it seemed. He assured me that if she tried or stopped paying (the money that I had worked for free to earn for years) that he wouldn’t allow me to be sent home. It was such a relief to have someone who recognized what was happening and could explain theologically why my instincts were right, and why that lifestyle was theologically unsound for any person who claimed to follow Christ.
I dreaded going home. I thought about trying to extend my mission somehow, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. Now please don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, my step dad, and my whole family. But I knew that a big battle was coming between my mother and I, and I dreaded it.
I flew home, she and I exchanged an awkward hug, then loaded my stuff in the car. We hadn’t even left the airport before it started. I wasn’t allowed to use Facebook because “we weren’t a Facebook family”, my sleeves (which were perfectly acceptable as a missionary) had to be longer, my makeup lighter, I had to start school but I couldn’t use the cars, or get a job, or get into debt. I wasn’t allowed on the computer more than 20 minutes a day, no “modern” music and of course, they had to approve of any boy friend that I might get. And if they didn’t approve then I had to break it off, to set a good example for my sisters.
I tried to work with her for a couple of weeks, tried to get her to see that she couldn’t expect people who were well into their 20’s to be willing to live like a little child. She would have none of it. We weren’t really adults because they paid for our bills. I countered by offering to get a job and help pay for rent and utilities. That was unacceptable because it would disrupt the family, and emasculate my step father. It went on and on, I was called into her room every other day to report to her what my plans were and how I was going to accomplish them, and then she would go through piece by piece to try to dismantle them.
But I wasn’t having it.
A few weeks after getting home I met my future husband. My parents were fine with him until we started dating. Then nothing he did was good enough. If he did handy man work for my dad he was too blue collar. If he didn’t work during the winter then he was lazy. We had to figure out very early on what our goals and plans were, if we weren’t planning on getting serious/married then it wasn’t worth it to continue going out. We decided to get serious. My parents were still unhappy, and placed even more restrictions on me, an 8 pm curfew being one. I found ways around their new rules and got more guilt trips about how prideful I was and how rebellious. I didn’t care. Then came the day when they tried to send me to a different state to keep us apart.
That was the last straw. I called my mom to try to reason with her, but she was adamant. They couldn’t trust me, and she didn’t know if I was fornicating on their couch or not (I wasn’t…) so the only solution was to send me away. And that’s when I told her something that I had never said to her before. “No.” There was silence, then a tense “What???” “No, I’m not going.” Then came the hastily worded mini lecture about how I needed to follow their rules in their house ending with “You know if you really don’t think you can follow our totally reasonable rules then you can always leave.” (This was the worst threat she could imagine ever being given for some reason). “OK.” I replied. There was an even longer silence, followed by an incredulous “REALLY? This is worth losing your family over?!”
Only in my mom’s sad world of jumbled theology would moving out be akin to losing one’s family.
I called my husband/then boyfriend and told him what had happened. His parents found a place for me to stay within a few hours, so I once again began packing my belongings up into a suitcase. Later that day as I talked to my (step)dad he informed me that “they weren’t done raising me”.
I told him that they were.
The next 18 months gave me a very strained relationship with my family. Many of my younger siblings, especially my sisters, felt like I had abandoned them. My parents forbade my husband and I from spending time with them because we were such an evil influence (I taught my 18 year old sister about how ovulation can affect how attracted she felt towards men and then told her she could read biology books at the library to learn more, that’s what I had to do… ) The fact that we didn’t hide the fact that we were having sex as a happily married couple meant that we were trying to sully the rest of them.
All the while I also dealt with feelings of guilt for “abandoning” my younger siblings. I had nightmares where I was trying to get them out and away from danger and they wouldn’t listen to me because my mom told them they were safe. I still felt so responsible for them, and like I had somehow failed them. My husband patiently cared for me and helped me understand that they were now responsible for themselves, that they were the only ones who could get themselves out.
I had to step back and let them learn on their own.
He told me that if one of them did try to leave and my mom kicked them out then that sibling could live with us as long as they needed, but they needed to get themselves out first before we could help. He told me that leaving was the best example I could have given them. And even though it was incredibly hard to let go of needing to take care of them, he was right.
I bore the brunt of the disapproval, the suspicion of rule breaking, the constant monitoring and spying, and it was a responsibility that I took seriously. I bore the constant mind games, the guilt trips, the hours of lectures on my rebellious nature, because I hoped it would make things easier for them. And now looking at everyone grown and on their own, I know it helped them be able to get out. Because I showed them that they could. That it was OK to leave and be adults. That they could be trusted to make their own decisions.
Now I know how to answer my mom’s question if she ever asked again (we are on much, much better terms now!).
I would tell her that she is what changed us. That I couldn’t trust someone who never believed me and tried to keep me in an unnatural relationship. I would tell her that the patriarchy garbage she had bought for so long is just a ponzi scheme for abuse. I would tell her that I am not a horse to be trained, and that the life she wanted me to live would have set me up for being just as abused and stuck as she was.
I could tell her a lot of things, but honestly, I probably won’t.
I think it would kill her, or damn near close.
But I can tell you, you new parents who are wondering if it’s worthwhile to “train up your child”. Believe me, it’s not. It never will be. Choose a different and more peaceful way. Teach them tolerance and love. Teach it by example every day. Lead them, guide them, walk beside them, but don’t every think you can spank or guilt them into loving God. Teach them correct principles and trust that God will touch their hearts.
Now, as I look at my own sweet babies sleeping in their beds, I know that things will be different. We are planning on homeschooling them, but mainly because our schools here are terrible. We are not “training them up” to be obedient unthinking robots. We let them experience the natural consequences of their choices. It’s hard sometimes, but it’s so much better. They make wise decisions on their own because they *know* where foolish decisions lead. We do give them a swat or two on the butt when they’ve done something harmful, but those are rare instances.
Our home is not perfect, but it is happy, and our children know they can trust us.
And that is the greatest gift a parent can ever receive.
On August 26, 2014, ThinkProgress reporter Josh Israel published an article entitled “Why Conservative Christian Homeschoolers Are Fighting Standards That Don’t Apply To Them.” Israel’s article focused primarily on HSLDA’s opposition to Common Core. However, he also discussed the fact that HSLDA has long involved itself — and its members’ money — in lobbying that has no obvious relation to homeschooling. One of HSLDA’s non-homeschooling targets has been, and continues to be, the legalization of same-sex marriage. Israel interviewed both myself and Will Estrada (HSLDA’s Director of Federal Relations) on this matter:
One common attack on HSLDA has been that its work often extends to topics that are not directly connected to the rights of homeschoolers…In the 2006 [sic], the group even lobbied for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. A statement on the group’s website explained that because “Same-sex marriage attacks the traditions of the family in western civilization,” it thus constitutes an “attack on parental rights.” Estrada said that the group no longer lobbies on this issue and that he did not know why it had done so then.
Ryan Stollar, executive director of Homeschool Alumni Reaching Out (a group of former homeschoolers who work within the movement to protect the rights of current homeschool kids), told ThinkProgress that he believes the issues the leaders of HSLDA “have chosen and continue to choose to focus on are not necessarily that issues that are in the best interest of the homeschooling movement,” and may be “actively jeopardizing” it. He cites “right-wing extremism,” positing that “making opposition to same-sex marriage a homeschooling issue is shooting [themselves] in the foot” in their attempt to represent the broader movement.
As seen above, Estrada claims that HSLDA “no longer lobbies on this issue.” He even claims that he “did not know why it had done so then.” Estrada would know: he is HSLDA’s Director of Federal Relations. HSLDA says that his job is “to serve as HSLDA’s federal lobbyist.” Surely HSLDA’s federal lobbyist would know what HSLDA is lobbying for and why.
But either Will Estrada is strangely ignorant of his own organization’s agenda against same-sex marriage or he blatantly lied to Josh Israel.
Note that Israel said that, “In the 2006, the group even lobbied for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage.” The link that Israel provided takes the viewer to a lobbying report filed by HSLDA in 2006 regarding the amendment to ban same-sex marriage. Look who signed it:
Will Estrada himself filed the report.
Yet he “did not know why it had done so”?
Furthermore, if Estrada was not sure why he himself did so (and his organization continues to do so), HSLDA has conveniently made public since 2004an official page on their website. It’s entitled, “Why HSLDA is Fighting Against Same-Sex Marriage.” It continues to exist to this day. It does not say HSLDA “no longer” fights same-sex marriage. Rather, it declares HSLDA continues to fight it. And the reasons are quite clear:
“HSLDA will continue to fight against same-sex marriage. Same-sex marriage attacks the traditions of the family in western civilization. This is an attack on parental rights. This is a battle the homeschooling movement cannot afford to lose.”
What of Estrada’s other claim, that “the group no longer lobbies on this issue”?
This, too, is blatantly false. Let’s take a look at just the last two years:
HSLDA opposed Hawaii House Bill 1109 because it would legalize same-sex marriages. On January 28, 2013, HSLDA declared they would “Oppose” the bill because, “HSLDA supports traditional marriage.”
HSLDA opposed Texas Senate Bill 480 because it would create civil unions for same-sex couples. On February 13, 2013, HSLDA declared they would “Oppose” the bill because, “HSLDA supports traditional marriage as part of the foundation of the Western tradition supporting parental rights.”
HSLDA opposed Texas House Bill 1300 because it would legalize same-sex marriage. On February 25, 2013, HSLDA declared they would “Oppose” the bill because, “HSLDA supports traditional marriage as part of the foundation of the Western tradition supporting parental rights.”
HSLDA opposed Texas House Joint Resolution 78 because it would repeal Texas’s traditional marriage amendment that excluded same-sex couples from the state’s definition of marriage. On February 25, 2013, HSLDA declared they would “Oppose” the bill because, “HSLDA supports traditional marriage as part of the foundation of the Western tradition supporting parental rights.”
HSLDA opposed Delaware House Bill 75 because it would legalize same-sex marriage. On May 21, 2013, HSLDA declared that, “Given HSLDA’s interest in preserving traditional marriage, this bill should be opposed.”
HSLDA opposed Rhode Island Senate Joint Resolution 708 because it would legalize same-sex marriages. On July 3, 2013, HSLDA declared they would “Oppose” the bill because, “HSLDA supports traditional marriage and the traditional family.” HSLDA then linked the the article “Why HSLDA is Fighting Against Same-Sex Marriage” — as recently as 2013.
HSLDA opposed Pennsylvania House Bill 1647 because it would legalize same-sex marriage. On September 11, 2013, HSLDA declared they would “Oppose” the bill because, “Given HSLDA’s support of traditional marriage between one man and one woman, this bill should be opposed.”
HSLDA opposed Pennsylvania House Bill 1688 because it would legalize same-sex marriage. On October 24, 2013, HSLDA declared they would “Oppose” the bill because, “Given HSLDA’s support of traditional marriage between one man and one woman, this bill should be opposed.”
HSLDA opposed Hawaii Special Second Session Senate Bill 1 because it would legalize same-sex marriage. On November 14, 2013, HSLDA declared they would “Oppose” the bill.
HSLDA opposed Hawaii Second Special Session House Bill 6 because it would legalize same-sex marriage. On January 1, 2014, HSLDA declared they would “Oppose” the bill because, “HSLDA supports traditional marriage” and “opposes the establishment of same-sex marriage.”
HSLDA opposed Hawaii House Bill 1109 and Senate Bill 1369 because they would legalize same-sex marriage. On May 1, 2014, HSLDA declared they would “Oppose” these bills because, “HSLDA supports traditional marriage.”
HSLDA has not changed their position on same-sex marriage nor have they stopped lobbying on this matter. They continue to publicly oppose same-sex marriage and they urge their members to similarly mobilize, as evidenced in this e-lert they sent out just a few years ago in 2012:
Also in this e-lert HSLDA once again explains why they oppose same-sex marriage:
Why is HSLDA opposed to these bills? Our freedom to educate our children is based upon the foundation of marriage and traditional family. In many of the cases before our courts, parental rights are based on “Western civilization concepts of the family.” Same-sex marriage attacks the traditions of the family in Western civilization upon which the foundation of parental choice in education and basic parental rights are based.
Yet despite repeated mobilization against same-sex marriage all the way through 2013 and 2014 (each mobilization with explicit reasons for why), Estrada had the gall to not only tell ThinkProgress reporter Josh Israel that HSLDA “no longer lobbies on this issue,” but to play clueless about “why it had done so.”
“Excellent speech becomes not a fool: much less do lying lips a prince.” ~ Proverbs 17:7
The following passage is from the 2010 “25th Anniversary Edition” of Mary Pride’s seminal book The Way Home: Beyond Feminism Back to Reality, originally published in 1985. The emphases are in original:
The reason the church is getting lax about divorce is that we no longer understand marriage. If a spouse has problems, such as drunkenness or fits of temper, the other one concludes it is not a “good” marriage and moves on. Those who take this perspective end up allowing divorce “for any and every reason,” just as the Pharisees were doing in Jesus’ day. Jesus answered the Pharisees that destruction of any God-ordained marriage is always wrong… Only adultery, which breaks the partnership by pouring its resources into a spiritually fruitless extramarital union, as well as (in the case of an adulterous wife) jeopardizing the children’s legitimacy, and desertion, which nullifies the partnership, are biblical grounds for divorce… Christians may never, never, never divorce Christians. (21-22)
CC image courtesy of Flickr, Pedro Szekely. Image links to source.
Pseudonym note: The author’s name has been changed to ensure anonymity. “Tirzah” is a pseudonym.
I was homeschooled my entire life. As were all my brothers and sisters. I actually don’t mind at all that I was homeschooled. I enjoyed it, a lot. As an educational method I think it can be remarkably effective, giving children an unhindered environment to learn at their own pace and truly develop their own talents.
That being said, I still feel compelled to write and share my story. It’s not as bad or traumatic as some, but not as happy and rosy as others.
A few years ago my mother looked at me with a mournful and wistful look and sadly asked, “What happened to us? You used to trust me and confide in me so much, then when you were about 11 that all changed. Why did you stop trusting me?”
I didn’t know how to answer that at the time.
I was still sorting through my childhood and I genuinely believed that the change our relationship had taken was somehow my fault. I didn’t think it was all my fault, but surely a large portion of it was mine, because my mom loved me, and I was the one who was annoyed by her.
My family is LDS (you know, those controversial Mormons?). As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we have a doctrine that is distinct and very very different from any evangelical Christian denomination. But for a family that wants to homeschool for religious reasons back in my day there really weren’t any LDS oriented curriculums. So my parents did what many Mormon homeschoolers did: they branched out.
Abeka was the first inclusion I can remember. The books were vaguely creepy to me, with randomly placed Bible verses that had no bearing at all on whatever the subject matter was. Gradually more items worked their way in. Books about Amish and Mennonite children who learned valuable life lessons about greed, vanity, and perfect immediate obedience. They were also creepy, but I loved to read so I read them occasionally out of sheer boredom.
My dad was extremely abusive. He was large, frightening, and he thrived off of intimidating people. Especially us. He kept my mother in a constant state of fear and desperation, so as very small children we were largely unmonitored, my mother desperately cleaning one room after the other as we moved through like a storm of tiny Tasmanian devils. My mother eventually gathered the courage and resources to leave him and she gained full custody of all of us in the divorce. I came out of that experience with some deep rooted trust issues with men. I didn’t want to be left alone near any man.
My mother didn’t help in that matter, but we’ll get to that in a bit.
Now a newly single mother my mom faced a lot of pressure to put us in school. She didn’t feel like that would be the right thing, so she figured out ways to make money while staying at home. She also needed to figure out how to undo the years of bad habits we had learned when it came to our cleaning habits. And that is when she discovered the Pearls and their masterpiece of parenting wisdom “To Train Up a Child”. Suddenly her mind was opened- children were like horses who needed guidance and careful training, who needed to learn instant compliance in order to learn obedience to God. If they didn’t receive that training then their souls would be in peril and they would wander off into the lost paths of darkness, and be pulled into the hedonistic world of Babylon.
I got the horse analogy a lot as a child and teen. I was the oldest at home, my older brother having been sent off to live with our father, and as the oldest she not only needed me to be the example, but to also make me the example. So I got lots of switchings. Sometimes it was a switch, others a belt, once a wooden spoon but she broke that on me. Then I was in more trouble because I made her break the spoon.
I had no privacy for my thoughts. “Murmuring” was not tolerated, because Laman and Lemuel murmured (book of Mormon people) and that ended up creating an entire civilization that rejected God. I wasn’t allowed to feel any anger towards her for the sudden changes in my life, and anything but perfect respect and admiration was unacceptable.
My mom didn’t use the spanking philosophy for long, she couldn’t bear to continue to inflict bodily harm on her kids (gee, I wonder why…..) but the attitude and mentality behind it remained. Seemingly overnight I had gone from being decently self sufficient and independent to being unbearably incapable and never to be trusted. The siblings that I had spent my entire life protecting from my father and mentally ill brother suddenly needed to be protected from me. Suddenly I was a pathological liar who bullied and harmed them out of spite and malice. I was never to be believed, because I was older and bigger, and they all told the same story. My younger brother was the perfect and honest one who would never lie to her… Only me. I was the liar, I was too rebellious, too unruly. I was leading my siblings astray.
I was always made to feel self conscious of my body.
My mom once pulled me aside at the public swimming pool to inform me that any time I stepped out of the pool I needed to wrap the towel around my waist because men might think my legs were really sexy. I was only 13, and wasn’t even close to puberty. Once at 17 a boy in my youth group cruelly called me a “corner girl” to hurt me, they all knew that I had never so much as kissed a boy, so that was an especially painful barb. When I told my mother about it, instead of defending me she told me it was because my shirt was too tight and they could see the curve of my breasts. We were always warned about sex, but never taught anything. It would lead us to immoral acts, and if I learned anything about it then I might say something to my siblings and that would cause them to be immoral too. Every decision I made had to be weighed against how it would affect them.
But her lessons on my responsibility as the oldest and the counseling we had received in our abuse survivors group sunk in, and not how she had hoped. I knew that it was my responsibility to teach “the youngers”, as I referred to them, how to move into adulthood in spite of my mom’s desire to go back in time and re-raise us. So I pushed on. I persuaded her to let me get an email account. She was very worried about allowing me on the computer, and told me that I could become addicted to pornography from the junk mail, or kidnapped by a stranger who would try to “get me” from the chat rooms. After establishing some rules I got one. Within a few years the others each has one as well. The same went with phone usage, then cellphone use, then Facebook.
Eventually I decided to serve a mission for our Church. But because it was several years before the age change our church recently had, it meant that I lived at home till I was in my 20’s to save money and prepare for my mission.
It was during that time period that my mom discovered the Christian Patriarchy movement.
She feel in love with the notion of “stay-at-home daughters” carefully protected and guided by their wise and loving parents. My mom had remarried by this time, and desperately wanted to take back the abuse and neglect we had receive from our biological father. What better way to do that then having sah-daughters? Oh she thought it was lovely and refined. But still unreasonably expected us to function as adults. But her vision of adult daughters was one of daughters who were wise enough to submit to their parents.
At the time I went along with it, but with a great deal of reservation. I tried to be humble and submissive and recognized that I was still living in their house so I needed to respect their rules. I worked for my step father and “contributed” to the family. Don’t get me wrong, I had some pretty decent perks as well, lessons in music and other sports that I valued highly, but it was still miserable.
Homeschoolers Anonymous 