chastity

Series disclaimer: HA’s “Let’s Talk About Sex (Ed)” series contains frank, honest, and uncensored conversations about sexuality and sex education. It is intended for mature audiences.

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Here are ten things that are more important to teach than abstinence:

1. Anatomy:

It is absolutely necessary to teach children the names and basic functions of the parts of their bodies. This way they are empowered with knowledge and have the language necessary to not only to relate to their own body, but also to know when someone is crossing a boundary so that they can tell a trusted adult. When I was abused as a child, I didn’t have the knowledge necessary to tell an adult what was going on, allowing the instigator to continue the abuse. I know many adults who do not even know the basic functions, locations, and names of their own body parts.

2. Bodily autonomy:

When a person understands that they have ownership over their body and that they do not owe anyone access to it, this allows for healthy physical, relational, and sexual boundaries, as well as the freedom to do with one’s body as one wishes. A child with a healthy sense of bodily autonomy understands that they do not have the obligation to make physical contact with anyone, even a relative seeking physical affection and have the ability to say no.

3. Consent:

Consent is necessary for healthy sexual and physical contact. This should be a given, but unfortunately consent is rarely discussed or taught, both encouraging and supporting rape culture while denying personal autonomy and person-hood.

4. Sex Positivity:

Sex positivity is the basic affirmation of one’s personal sexual preferences and personality. It says that the way I am is a good thing, and allows one to celebrate their sexuality. (I believe this includes affirmation of asexual individuals and respect for their identity, as well as affirmation and support for survivors as they may face painful triggers and learn to heal.)

5. Personal choice and respect for other’s choices:

This is important, because it allows a person the freedom to make their own choices without shame or manipulation from others, as well as developing respect and acceptance for the fact that different people may have different experiences and make different choices than us.

6. Healthy Sexuality:

It’s important to develop the ability to experience one’s sexuality without fear, guilt, or shame. For those of us who grew up fundamentalist/conservative it can be hard to shake the shame and sex negativity we were taught.

7. Healthy relationships:

Relationships can be hard and messy. It’s necessary and healthy to learn about appropriate boundaries, personal space, choice, autonomy, and how to recognize manipulation or abuse.

8. Safe Sex:

If you are or will be sexually active, it’s important to be educated about sex, STI’s, and protection… even if you are monogamous or married!

9. Birth Control Options:

Birth control is everyone’s responsibility. There are now many different options and resources available and many of them are free! At the very least, the information is available for free and usually easy to access so there is no reason to be uninformed, or to keep your child uninformed. Even if they are not active now, they may want to be in the future and knowledge is healthy and confidence-building.

10. Having sex doesn’t make you a better or worse person!

Many of us grew up in a sort of “purity culture”, where sex was taught in terms of transactions and marriage. We were taught that virginity somehow made you a good/better person, and that anyone who had or desired to have sex was evil, dirty, worthless, or a slut. They also promised us perfect marriages and relationships if we just didn’t touch or kiss before we got married…and of course, we had to get married to have the sex to make the babies to have the perfect christian family to win the culture war! This is a false dichotomy, a fallacy of black-and-white ideals based in unhealthy patriarchal standards. Sex isn’t the ultimate sin or even “bad”. It can be a fulfilling, healthy thing… even outside of marriage relationships!

Note: If you are choosing to abstain from sex on your own terms without being shamed into doing (or not doing!) something that you don’t choose, that is fine. I think that for some people, chastity can be a healthy state. However, if one chooses to teach chastity, it must be in a way that respects personal choice, does not shame survivors of abuse, and teaches autonomy and healthy sexuality.

Note from Nicholas Ducote, HA Community Coordinator:

I have often wrestled with what I will tell my children (when my wife and I decide to have children) when they start becoming “sexually aware.” It’s easy for me, as a newly married twenty-five year old to critique the way I was raised.

I feel that this article by “Jef With One F,” recently published by the Houston Press, is one that I would pass on to my daughters when the time came.

It offers succinct, practical advice for sex and sexual relationships in the twenty-first century. The Houston Press gave me permission to provide an excerpt here on Homeschoolers Anonymous.

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10 Things I Plan to Tell My Daughter About Sex That Aren’t That Purity Movement Crap

By Jef With One F

Against my better judgment I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the purity movement. If you’ve never been exposed to it, then I’ll explain. The idea is basically that you, as a father, are supposed to serve as the sole male influence in your daughter’s life until she gets married. You “guard her heart (and vagina)” because only you can be trusted with it…

…Better writers than I, like Libby Anne, have tackled the subject in depth, and you should spend an afternoon reading her work. She went through it as a daughter of movement, though. I’m a dad, and I am perfectly aware that the sexual health of this child is going to be part of my job…

Here are the ten things I know I need to tell a modern girl about sex once she matures enough to roll her eyes throughout the conversation.

10. That sex is beautiful and fun as hell, but so is driving a car and a bunch of other things that come with responsibilities. You need to ask yourself if you can handle those. I knew I couldn’t be trusted with a car at 16, so I didn’t ask for one. Same with sex. I waited until I knew I was with someone that wouldn’t use me wrong and knew what they were doing. You shouldn’t be afraid of it, but you should respect its possible consequences, such a pregnancy, disease, and just the general mess that sometimes come from sleeping with someone you shouldn’t have.

9. That someone that feels the need to lie, trick, or force you into sex is never going to be the slightest bit interested in your enjoyment of it. You might as well be a gym sock as far as they’re concerned. Don’t be a trophy.

8. That you should never do anything that will make you hate yourself to gain another person’s approval. You are not defined by the approval of others, and anyone who says you are wants to control you. You are your own person with your own unique value to yourself.

7. Your body belongs to you. Anyone that doesn’t respect that is an enemy. Run if you can, fight if you can’t, and never let someone convince you asked for or deserved it if all else fails. If a person makes you feel that they can fire you or fail you in a class or something if you don’t return their affections then they are just a rapist that doesn’t like to go out. Leave and tell someone immediately, because if it wasn’t you it will be someone else…

Check out the full article here.

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Excerpt: 10 Things I Plan to Tell My Daughter About Sex That Aren’t That Purity Movement Crap