Pain and Pastures: By Nancy Scott

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Pain and Pastures: By Nancy Scott

HA note: Nancy Scott (LMFT PC) is a therapist who works with individuals with an emphasis on helping the body recover from the physical effects of post-traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, grief and loss. You can follow her blog at http://infirm-delight.blogspot.com and learn more about her professional practice at http://nancyscottcounseling.com. This post was originally published on her blog on October 13, 2013 and is reprinted with her permission.

Flora* walked into my office with an air of confidence.

Her light brown hair and fair complexion gave her a youthful look, even as her saucer blue eyes gave away a deep sadness within. A tattoo circled her wrist like a bracelet, a delicate design of leaves and letters. She began to tell me how she had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years earlier and that she had been quite depressed for a while now. The medication she had been taking had seemed to help at first, but not so much anymore. She began to tell me about her rigid religious upbringing and her history of physical abuse, but I interrupted her. I asked if I could talk for a moment about how I work before she went much further. Because while telling her story is of great importance, how she tells it may be even more significant.

I asked her to take a moment and look around the room, to gaze out the window at the blue sky outside.

I waited in silence as her eyes surveyed the room, then moved to the tree outside my upstairs office window. At last, her eyes came back to meet mine, and I noticed a slight shift in her breathing. I said I’d like to explain some things about the somatic therapy that I offer, and asked if we could do an experiment.

“For just a moment, see if you can tune in to the sensation of your body in contact with the sofa, behind you and beneath you. Can you tell me what you notice about your sense of your weightedness?” I spoke softly, working to meet her gaze with my care.

“I feel some weight coming back into my legs. I hadn’t been aware of them a minute ago.”

I reflected her response and noticed with her that her awareness of having legs was returning. “What’s your temperature like? Is it warm or cool, or neutral?”

“I feel a little cooler. I was pretty warm there at first.” The color in her face was evening out as we spoke.

“How about your breathing? What’s your breathing like?”

“Pretty shallow. But it’s getting deeper.”

“See if you can tune in to that for a moment, breathe into it a bit?”

She paused, and I noticed with her that her body took a full, deep breath. Her shoulders moved just slightly downward.

By the end of our session, we talked easily, and I invited Flora to compare how she was feeling now with how she was feeling when she first came in.

“I feel a lot more relaxed, at ease.” She stretched her long arms out in front of her and yawned. “My breathing is deeper; I can feel it. This is really different. I’ve been to a lot of counselors and every time I’ve started therapy I’ve always had to start by spilling out all the details of my history. It’s a relief to not have to go into all that right away.”

Trauma as I define it is anything that overwhelms the body’s ability to regulate itself.

Our flight/flight/freeze response is located in the sympathetic nervous system, marked by elevated heart rate, shallow breathing, narrowed peripheral vision, and tightened muscles that are ready to run or fight at a moment’s notice. It can be triggered by any threat, real or imagined. Flora was clearly in a state of sympathetic arousal or “activation” as she entered my office and began to tell me her story.

If you’ve ever been in a near car-crash and swerved suddenly to avoid it, it was this physiological response, your survival instinct, that was triggered to help you escape the danger. Cortisol and adrenaline flood your body, and you swerve to avoid a collision. You might pull over to collect yourself and notice that your whole body is shaking. This is the way it re-regulates itself, discharging the sympathetic activation that surged into your bloodstream a moment earlier. We tend to want to shut it down, to move on, because it can be uncomfortable, but it turns out it’s important to let it finish. It’s our body’s way of dispelling the experience and recovering its innate regulation.

The body knows how to recover.

This normal response to threat is built in at the most primitive level of our brain function. It is meant to be activated quickly and then discharged or released quickly.

However, if the danger persists, for example if we are trapped in a stressful circumstance, or for whatever reason we are unable to fight or flee, the body’s next best approach is to “freeze.” People sometimes call this immobilized feeling “depressed” or “stuck” or “numb.” If this response goes on for a while, it can become more chronic, without release, and the body can become disregulated, resulting in a variety of symptoms including anxiety or panic, depression, insomnia.

If it goes on longer, still louder symptoms can emerge, perhaps even those of bipolar disorder or dissociation.

With our experiment, I invited Flora to notice her body’s response in order to help it regulate itself before we went further. Sometimes people can do this, and sometimes they can’t, depending on the kind of trauma they have experienced and how their body has responded to it. If they can’t, then I take other more indirect approaches, still openly working to find some regulation in the body. I might work with someone for several sessions before moving toward their story, simply helping to “resource” the body, finding sources of comfort in daily life, or places in the past that brought them a feeling of wholeness, of “being themselves,” grounded in the experience of the present moment.

For Flora, we discovered that there was a place where she grew up, largely in isolation, a field near where some cows grazed. She could walk far into the pasture and lie down under the shade of some trees. She would stare up at the sky and notice how blue it was. Whenever we began to slowly move toward talking about the physical abuse she suffered at the hands of her fundamentalist Christian parents, we could change gears and put her back, in her mind’s eye, into that pasture. Her body would begin to shift, to release, as she recalled the vibrant color of the sky, the sound of the breeze moving the leaves, the fragrance of the blossoms nearby, and the warmth of the sun on her skin. It was a source of deep regulation for her body.

Over time, Flora’s body began to discharge the physical elements of the trauma stored deep inside her.

She worked hard to integrate the emotional and spiritual components of her life’s narrative as well, and to cease being a victim of her past. With the oversight of her physician, she was able to wean off of her medications. As the symptoms of her bipolar disorder resolved, she came to see them as pointers to her trauma rather than lifelong mental illness. By the time we finished our work, the flashbacks were fewer, and if they did arrive, she was able to separate the past from the present. She had tools on board that she could employ to process her feelings, thoughts, and sensations.

Flora and I worked together for two or three years, moving back and forth in each session between body “resources” like the pasture near her home, or her love of the ocean, or the feel of her dog curled up next to her, and the deeply painful memories of the abuse. We explored the sensations in her body of activation and regulation, and moved toward the careful expression of the dark memories, which had been so overwhelming in her previous therapies. We worked to balance it with things that brought her life, groundedness, hope. The memories became less intense over time, more integrated, physically and emotionally, as we paid close attention to her body’s ability to move back and forth between a certain level of activation and the deep regulation she was beginning to experience.

I’ve worked as a therapist for about fifteen years now, “somatically” with people like Flora for about ten.

I have found that working with the body is essential for resolving traumatic memory.

I have been helped tremendously by the work of Christine Barber, Peter Levine, Maggie Phillips, Dan Siegel and Bonnie Badenoch, to name a few. I have come to believe that the complexity and variety of mental illnesses described in the DSM-5 (my profession’s diagnostic manual) reflects how individual bodies respond to their respective traumas. I have seen the symptoms of these various diagnoses largely eliminated by working with sensations in the body and moving toward integration of implicit and explicit memory, sensation, emotion, mind and spirit.

I have worked with a number of people who were diagnosed bipolar, like Flora, and who were able to move beyond their symptoms toward substantial healing.

They are the real heroes.

* “Flora” is a composite of people from my work in private practice as a Marriage & Family Therapist. I have made her unrecognizable in order to protect confidentiality.

For more information about this kind of therapy, or for a referral to a practitioner in your area, you can go here or here. For further reading, you can go here.

I Shall Not Live in Vain: Jael’s Story

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HA note: The author’s name has been changed to ensure anonymity. “Jael” is a pseudonym. Jael blogs at To Not Live in Vain. This piece originally ran on January 15, 2014.

I began home-schooling after a summer of fraught efforts, on my mother’s part, to find me a pre-kindergarten class. Later, she said she took me to forty different schools trying to determine which program would suit me best; I only remember attending two, for no more than a few weeks at each. My experiences were uncomfortable, which led my mother and father to decide that homeschooling was the best option.

My mother home-schooled me from kindergarten until seventh grade. I had some good friends that I saw at a maximum of once or twice a week, and we did some cooperative schooling with parents providing science and language classes as a group. We drifted from charter school to homeschool group, never staying one place more than a few years.

I didn’t understand it at the time, but I realize now, looking back, that these moves were probably caused by my mother’s unaddressed psychiatric issues. 

I got a first-hand look at these issues when I was about eleven. It was the year that I got my first period, in an awkward stage between adolescence and childhood. My mother started experiencing psychiatric symptoms with increasing severity – I won’t go into detail, but she made me actively fear that our family was in mortal danger for a period of several months. My father was emotionally and physically absent, working all the time, and left me entirely in her custody. My mother made sure that I had no support during this time; she separated me from all my social groups because she believed they were haunted by people who wished to harm us. She separated me from my best friend because her mother told my mother (not incorrectly, in retrospect) that my mother was acting crazy

It got to the point where one day she demanded we pack up a suitcase immediately, and we drove for hours aimlessly, going from one cultish bookstore to another, while my mother wept and my grandmother (who my grandfather had convinced to join us for this expedition, presumably to make sure my mother didn’t kill us) sat stony-faced in the front seat.

My mother threatened alternately to kill us by crashing, then to merely leave the state.

She believed our family was being persecuted, and told me so in many ways for many months, treating me as her only confidante (during the times that my father was not around, at least). When my grandparents found out what was happening, they told me that my mother was sick and not to believe her. We lived for them for a month, while they watched over their borderline daughter.

It took me a long time to finally understand that the things that my mother had predicted had not come to pass, and would not come to pass. And it made me angry, because it was difficult to understand, particularly in a family where mental illness (or sexuality, or anything really important) was never discussed. My mother was my only source of information and learning, and when paranoia struck her, and I began to identify that her fears were unrealistic, I felt betrayed. My anger bred, with periodic fights with my mother, where she ignored my legitimate needs and feelings, instead always refocusing any argument on herself. Eventually, we had a fight that had epic consequences.

I have no idea how it started, but I do remember how it ended:

“Do you want to go to public school?” she threatened me. 

I snarled back, “Yes, maybe I do.” 

She deflated, glaring at me like a wounded tiger who was giving up a fight. “Fine,” she said, and that was that. She took it as a personal slight to her ego, that I might want to be educated elsewhere. She told me I would regret it. At that point, making me go to school was the only weapon she had left that could harm me. I no longer loved her, so she could not emotionally manipulate me in the same old ways anymore.

I was really scared, to enter public school, since it had been painted in such a negative light. Entering public school was a culture shock, but at least it was better than being at home, most of the time. Classes were somewhat miserable, with math and chemistry being the worst, but at least I had music to get me through middle school and high school. I found comfort in the two public school teachers who best supported the conservative, Christian perspective I had from my home-schooling years, teachers who prayed before tests and encouraged me to keep strong despite my travails, encouraging me to look towards college when I wouldn’t have to worry about my parents. Reminding me that at least I had parents.

I confided in these teachers about what happened in my family. I did the same with other authority figures that I began to trust. But I never was referred to counseling, a school social worker, or any other services. I know that if I had, at least I would have had that extra support, someone to help me understand that what happened was not related to me, and to help me cope with the realities I experienced every day.

Every time I began to trust an authority figure, I would cry and cry, and tell them what had happened.

This happened at least four times at three separate summer camps, one of which was connected to my school. These summer camp counselors did not know what to do. My teachers did not know what to do. I think I must have been asked once or twice whether or not I wanted a referral to services, and I would insist, no, I didn’t want services.

But I reached out, and reached out, and reached out, over and over and over again, in so much psychic pain. My mother was psychologically and sometimes physically abusive to me when I went home, threatening me with calling the police for talking back at her, threatening me with a knife if I was angry, threatening to take away my lifeline (the internet) constantly, and threatening to kill herself basically every chance she got. So I would retreat and hide in my room, where I would IM friends on the neighbor’s WIFI connection (thank you so much it basically saved my life) and write gothic stories about self-harming girls and roleplay.

I confided in friends about what had happened. One or two offered me books, and I refused them, scared that if my mother would see that I was reading these books, that I would be punished. I appreciated the confidence of these friends, though at the same time my mother tried to dissuade me from pursuing practically any relationship, criticizing any friend that she met that I seemed to be growing fond of.

People assumed that because I was smart, that I was doing okay, and that my issues were normal teenager stuff. Also, I was not very good at advocating for myself – still am not, by the way – and I didn’t know how to articulate the severity of the issues I was facing. At this point, I’m finishing up a graduate degree at an Ivy-league institution. I don’t want to write more than that for fear that either my mother or someone else will find this and identify me and put me in a compromising position. Even today, people presume based on my appearance – white, middle-class, female – that I was raised by a happy family. It pains me because it’s definitely not my experience.

I have lasting psychological issues that impact my life even now as a young adult in my 20s. I have PTSD, paranoid ideation, suicidal ideation, and depression despite the fact that I am no longer in contact with either of my parents.

It was not so much homeschooling that traumatized me as much as my mother’s mental illness. This was hidden by homeschooling, and the pain that damaged me came from the constant exposure to her psychiatric illness.

I feel like someone roasted me over a fire, leaving me with burns to rest the remainder of my life, and I didn’t even know at the time what fire was.

My early education was a shield that kept everyone from seeing who was doing the roasting, and of what. My father and my grandparents did not advocate to separate me from my mother, instead telling me to suck it up until I went to college.

That was the constant refrain. Wait until you’re in college. Everything will be better then.

Well, the short story is that no, it wasn’t better when I got to college, because I went to college in my home state, a quick drive from my hometown. It’s not been better until I cut off all ties from my family.

I should not have had to be in this position, as a child growing up. I had many, many adult mentors in my life – and none of them helped intervene with my family. It has become my purpose in life to help prevent my story from ever happening again – or at least, if I can stop a few more hearts from breaking, I shall not live in vain.

Mental Health — From Shame to Seeking Help

Mental Health — From Shame to Seeking Help, Part One: I Am Bipolar

HA note: This series is reprinted with permission from Lana Hobbs’ blog, Lana Hobbs the Brave. Lana describes herself as “an aspiring writer and a former religious fundamentalist” who currently identifies as “post-Christian.” She was homeschooled in junior high and highschool. The following Intro and Note were originally published on June 3 and 5, 2013.

In this series: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven.

Introduction to Series

I have an announcement: I’m bipolar.

I almost used the word ‘confession’, but that has a strong connotation of admitting wrongdoing. Bipolar II is not a wrongdoing, or even shameful. Well, it sort of is shameful, but it shouldn’t be.

There is a stigma against admitting you have a mental illness, like it’s something that should only be talked about in whispers, behind closed doors; check over your shoulder. I think it’s especially bad in conservative Christian circles, where people talk as though faith in God, repentance, and choosing to be happy are all you need to be mentally healthy – like it’s really all in the head and the spirit, except for maybe a few people with really severe problems.

But mental illness is real, it’s commoner than we want to believe, and it won’t de-stigmatize itself. We have to talk about it, and we have to let people know that they are not alone, that there is help.

So, yes, I’m bipolar. That’s one, currently large, aspect of my always complex personality.

After what has probably been (in retrospect) a lifetime of intermittent depression, and several years of especially poor mental and physical health, I finally started medication and therapy last month. Both my therapist and my medication NP think I present bipolar II, and I had already wondered that myself for years, ever since I first heard it talked about in an open way that didn’t make me think ‘bipolar people are locked up for being dangerous’.

I had been ‘down and stressed’ (aka in denial about a serious depression) for awhile at that point, when my very nice Rhetoric teacher had us workshop an essay she wrote about being bipolar. This was the first time I thought, Maybe I’m not just doing life wrong. If Dr. R can be bipolar and have a job teaching, maybe I also have a mental illness.

I felt both more alive and more guilty than ever, like it was prideful to consider dumping the idea that I was just a really bad Christian.

I still had years of stigma to overcome, and years of unhealthy guilty feelings and bad ‘biblical’ teachings until I was finally ready to seek professional help, but I feel that my journey to healing began when I first allowed myself the thought, I might be mentally ill. This might be depression, which seems to exist after all.

Depression is real, bipolar disorder is real, mental illness is real, and there is help.

I’m not healthy yet — but I’m finally getting help. It’s a big step.

I’m going to do a short series about my journey from doubting mental illness was real, to finally getting help.

I hope it will be helpful for people with depression and for people who love someone with depression and wonder why they don’t just go to a doctor; there may be more to it than you know.

If you’re having trouble because of the stigma against seeking help for mental illness, then I hope that sharing my journey will help you reach a place where you are also able to seek help, or that it will at least be another voice saying ‘you are not alone – we are here’. The more voices there are, the more chance we have of breaking through the clouds.

Note

I will get on with my story [in tomorrow’s post], but first i would like to post this video of President Obama’s speech at the National Conference on Mental Health.

I was able to watch some of the conference live, and follow other people on twitter and their conversations about mental illness and seeking help. I realized that the stigma that makes it difficult to talk about mental illness propogates itself and makes people feel alone.

We are not alone.

I appreciate the President’s acknowledgement of people who have long been fighting for mental health care and against the stigma of mental illness – and moreover i appreciate those people, who slowly broke through my mental block and allowed me to get help. Bloggers like samantha at http://defeatingthedragons.wordpress.com/ who wrote honestly about seeking counseling (and problems with the kind of christian counseling that heaps guilt on people – the ideas behind that kind of counseling had informed my fear of seeking help).

There are people who don’t have mental illness, but are passionate about it. But I wouldn’t be writing about this now, or be informed, or be passionate about mental health care and bipolar disorder, if i didn’t have a brain that wanted to keep me from getting help, and if i didn’t know other people do too.

Sometimes i think my brain wants to kill me, and i have come so close to deciding to end it all. But there is a bigger part of me – my brain, my soul, i’m not sure, that wants me to live a full and abundant life. With medication, therapy, and the support of friends and my husband, that part of my brain is winning right now.

And if you think you might be depressed or have a different mood or mental disorder, i speak to that part of you that desperately wants to live past the darkness: talk to someone. Get professional help if you can, and if not, call a helpline or a friend.

And watch the above video and remember:

We are not alone.

*****

To be continued.

Pleading for Death: Trista’s Story

HA notes: The author’s name has been changed to ensure anonymity. “Trista” is a pseudonym.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes/Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies/Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee/In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

I sat between two graves, softly singing this verse over and over. Going home was terrifying and death was an appealing thought.

As a child I was told I was “defective” and “half-aborted”.

When my mom would become upset with me, she would become psychotic and scream about how I was, “brainwashed at youth. It is surprising you can even think at all.” When I ‘rebelled’ again, I was told I could not think for myself because I was “half-aborted.” This was why I had to be protected by my father, who was the portal through which God and God’s will came to me.

As soon as my dad got home and I was released from school, I would lie to my parents, telling them I was going to the back of our five acre lot to the creek. I was still not allowed off the property alone, but they didn’t mind if I roamed through the backyard. Sometimes, I would go back to the creek, but usually I would walk back to the nearest trees and then cut through the neighbor’s yard and ran as fast as I could to the cemetery near our house.

The cemetery was only a half mile away and it offered me an outlet for the dark emotions I felt. I would sit between two graves and sing “Abide with Me” over and over. In between singing I would pray for God to kill me, begging with him to strike me dead.

Imagination was my only solace.

Because I was monitored daily by my parents, it was impossible to self-harm. But I thought about death, pain and torture daily. I wanted to hurt myself, but was terrified that if my parents found out they would refuse to send me to college, leaving me a victim in their house till the day I died.

With the fear of discovery always present, I used my imagination as an outlet. I would imagine various scenarios where I was in extreme pain. I would chew my nails until they bled as a form of pain because no one suspected I was doing this to hurt myself. The things I would dream about always involved death and pain. I imagined being beaten, shot, strangled, and stabbed to death. I contemplated different ways of committing suicide. There was a pond near the cemetery, and I would imagine drowning myself.

I loved the cemetery because it made me feel closer to death, closer to home. I hated my earthly home. It was full of pain and darkness. I was always alone, told I was stupid and useless. My father would mock women. In my home, being a woman made you worse than men. I wanted so bad to be a man, but I could not change my gender. 18 years of being in the cage of patriarchy made me hopeless. Happiness was not possible. I wanted death.

My daily prayer was “Jesus, take me home. I want to go home and be with you.” This was my way of pleading for death. I was trapped in a world and life that I had no control over. I was an object upon which my parents acted. I had no rights, and my desires did not matter.

The world I lived in told me I had no power.

The only power I had was in prayer, and I prayed for rescue, which for me meant death because I saw no other alternative to the pain in my life.

When I left for college two years later, I thought my preoccupation with suicide, pain and death were over, but I was very wrong.

Learning Rest: Dealing with C-PTSD

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HA note: The following is reprinted with permission from Caleigh Royer’s blog, Profligate TruthIt was originally published on July 9, 2013.

My therapist looked at me and told me that I have PTSD.

C-PTSD to be specific.

I had just finished describing her how I rarely got a gift or anything from my parents, specifically my dad, that wasn’t conditional. I told her about a mountain bike I had gotten one year for Christmas. It was a really nice bike, probably cost about $1200. I was thrilled when we all came rushing down the stairs and I saw the bike with my name on it. I eagerly looked it over, and then I got the second part of the “gift.” I had to pay the stupid thing off. I. Had. To. Pay. The. Bike. Off.

I was maybe 11, had no job, I did most of the house work around the house, did a lot of the meals, cleaned the kitchen after every meal, and now I was expected to pay off a bike that was a “gift”?! Paying off the bike meant giving up my birthday money, Christmas money, doing extra yard work (on top of everything else), as well as extra, extra work around the house.

That bike became a thorn in my side the older I got.

I loved the bike, and the fact that I had to pay it off back then barely fazed me. I was so excited to have a really nice bike (it was one step below my dad’s expensive mountain bike; a fact I was very proud of). That bike was one of the nicest things I ever had. But that bike is also one of the reasons that I absolutely refuse to ride a bike today.

My dad does not simply give one of his children something without expecting something in return.

He gave me a ring for my 13th birthday, and I found out the price of that ring when I tried to get married. He believed that he owned my heart. He believed that he must give his consent before I “fell in love” with a man. My parents gave us the use of a timeshare for our honeymoon. Sorry, gave is not the right word. They let us a rent their timeshare for our honeymoon. My dad/parents seek profit from their children, including threatening to make minors pay rent, babysit without pay, making unwilling children pay for their bikes that they didn’t want but dad bought anyway.

Being told I have PTSD makes me uneasy.

It’s almost compared to how I felt when I was told 7 years ago that I was depressed. It’s a feeling of “no, that’s not me. I’m not broken.” It’s like someone saying they’re not crying as tears race down their face, sobs on every breath.

The truth of the matter is I am a classic case of C-PTSD.

I have an underlying depression that has been there for many years, breaking the silence every once in a while to put me in a viscious cycle of multiple days of bad depression. I may seem bold on here, but believe me when I say that the bold things are written after I’ve had a major breakdown, my world seems to fall apart, and/or I feel like shutting down and forgetting who I am. And yes, this post is being written after two weeks of some of the lowest spots I’ve reached in a very long time. It resulted in an emergency therapy session last week because I knew I needed help fast.

I don’t let people see me when I hit those days of emotional breakdowns, but truly, I need someone to be there. I need someone to come sit with me, hold me, and tell me that crying is a release of the poison that has built up inside of me. I just don’t know how to ask, or who to ask. I fear making people uncomfortable and making them uneasy by my open, bleeding heart. To deal with that fear, I push people away because once I know I’ve made someone uncomfortable, I am then extra sensitive to what I say around them, tell them, or ask them to do. It’s pretty screwed up, isn’t it?

I am slowly learning to take care of myself simply because I have to, or else into the deep end I go.

I had a light-bulb moment today when I realized why it is so difficult for me to take care of myself. Growing up I was never allowed to really rest. I used to love going to bed at night because it meant that I finally had time to myself, I could rest, and I wouldn’t be told to go clean or do something. That was until I couldn’t sleep, and then there was no place where I actually felt I could rest. My dad would come bursting into my room with this look of almost blind fury, yelling at me, shaming me, about how mom was doing such and such, and how dare I not do my job.

Even if I was sick, had a massive headache, or simply just needed to rest, I wasn’t allowed to.

My dad would constantly tell me and my other siblings about how mom shouldn’t have to do anything. My dad wouldn’t do shit when it came to cleaning or doing anything around the house. He only did the outside work, putting my siblings to work when something needed to be cleaned up, but otherwise wouldn’t let them help him with the lawn, trimming bushes, or washing the vehicles. (I can honestly say I have never washed a car before.) I only really remember maybe 2 or 3 times of him actually doing some cleaning.

He would sure rant about how privileged mom was and how she shouldn’t have to do any cleaning.

This is making me rage as I write this because the shame and guilt my dad was so good at pouring on me has made it difficult for me to relax in my own home, listen to my body especially when my hands aren’t working well enough to clean. Can you imagine my rage? Can you hear the frustration I feel as I try to function in a healthy way only to be thrown back when this garbage sneaks up on me?

I am finding it relieving to be able to name my mental state.

It is relieving to have something to explain why cleaning freaks me out. I see the dust at the back of the bathroom sink and I have flashbacks to my dad viciously pointing out all of the things I had done wrong with cleaning the bathroom. I tried my best to please him, really, I did, but it was never enough. The only time I can remember where my dad actually didn’t require perfection from me was one fall afternoon as I was raking leaves. I was doing my best to get every leaf I could with the rake when my dad leaned out the door and told me I didn’t have to be that particular. I have never felt so confused.

Dealing with a named condition is easier than fighting in the dark with no idea why you are reacting that way or what triggered it.

Dealing with something that is real, something that is legitimately affecting behavior, mind, memory is easier than being told I am crazy, bitter, or simply vindictive. Dealing with C-PTSD is something I can manage. There are a lot of difficult days still ahead, but I can work with this because I want to get better. I want to feel healthy, whole even though I will always carry scars. I want my healthy, happy marriage to become more consuming than my past.

I want to put my past to rest, resolve what I can, so I can focus wholly on loving my husband, being with him, and being at rest.

Transcript of Voddie Baucham’s “Nebuchadnezzar Loses His Mind”

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HA note: The following is a transcript of Voddie Baucham’s sermon “Nebuchadnezzar Loses His Mind.” Baucham delivered this sermon on the subject of mental health on April 8, 2012 to Grace Family Baptist Church. It provides his answers to the following 2 questions: “What is the Biblical view of mental health? How should we as Christians (and especially Pastors) look at the ‘mental health’ industry?” Baucham is the Pastor of Preaching GFBC; GFBC is the host of Baucham’s Voddie Baucham Ministries and a member of the Southern Baptist Convention. This transcript was created by HA Community Coordinator R.L. Stollar.

Click here to read other transcripts by and posts about Voddie Baucham.

See the “highlights” from the episode here. Content warning for transcript: mental health denialism and blaming mental illness on personal sin.

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We cannot walk through Daniel, Chapter 4, and avoid the topic of mental illness. We cannot look at a picture of a man who, had he walked into a hospital today, would have immediately been diagnosed with schizophrenia and medicated until he was drooling, left there without any hope. We cannot read this text that ends far differently than that and starts for reasons other than those supposed according to our contemporary psychological and psychiatric models without asking the question, “What does this mean for those of us who are born again, blood-washed followers of the Lord Jesus Christ, and yet live in this real world where people have real problems and real difficulties?”

Do we just act like Daniel, Chapter 4 is not here? I mean, you can. You can act like Daniel, Chapter 4 is not here and we can not deal with the question of schizophrenia. But then you gotta read Job and you gotta deal with clinical depression. “Oh we’ll just act like Job is not there.” That’s fine. We’ll deal with the Apostle Paul and the murders he oversaw and then we can talk about post-traumatic stress disorder. “Well, I don’t really want to talk about that.” Ok, fine, if you don’t want to talk about that, let’s talk about Jesus, shall we? In the Garden of Gethsemane, where he experiences a classic instance of anxiety. Or better yet, when he comes to the tomb of Lazarus, weeping, there in depression, but then resuscitates Lazarus, and they celebrate — now he’s bipolar. Let’s not even talk about the Psalms, where you find every manner of what we would define as “mental illness” expressed by the psalmist himself.

So even if you want to avoid the subject here in Daniel, Chapter 4, which you absolutely, positively cannot, and must not, you have to face it somewhere. And you have to ask the question, “What are we as Christians supposed to do?”

We’ve got a couple of possibilities. Possibility Number One is we can simply say that that is not a place where we belong. “We don’t understand it, but there are other professionals who do. So let’s just leave it alone.” Well, that’s an untenable position because it’s right here in the Bible. So we can’t leave it alone.

Well, what’s our other option? Well, the other option, there’d be a ditch on the other side of the road, where we acted like we understood things completely just because of what we have here in the text as it relates to what’s going on in people’s minds. The Bible’s not designed as a mental health textbook, so to speak.

So what do we do? Well, we take this little excursus and we talk about the main issues involved here. Let me tell what I’m not here to do this morning. I am not here to give you an exhaustive understanding of the way the Bible deals with the issue of mental illness. I am not here to give you an exhausting understanding of psychology and psychiatry. That’s not my goal here. My goal here, however, is to give you a basic lay of the land so that we can at least talk about this in a way that honors our Lord Jesus Christ, recognizes what it means to be born again, to be saved — and that recognizes what it means to be “bipartite human being”: having physical and spiritual abiding simultaneously together.

Now, let me just say, full disclosure: It’s a blessing, in a church this size, I was able this week to pick up the phone and have conversations with: one, a family-practiced specialist; two, a psychiatrist; and three, an emergency room physician — all of whom are members right here in this church. Imagine that!

So I did that. Why? ‘Cuz this is not my area of expertise. And yet because this text is in the Bible, and because I shepherd real people with real problems, it is incumbent upon me to know something about this. It is not an option for a pastor to see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil when it comes to this issue of mental illness. That is not allowed. That is dereliction of duty. We’re responsible to walk with people who have real difficulties.

So why is it so hard for us to talk about this issue? Several reasons:

Number one, because of our psychologized culture. There are presuppositions with which we live that make it difficult for us to talk about this passage or even think about this passage in the right way. For example, the number one most completed class in college is Psychology 101. More people complete that course than any other course on the college level. Everybody takes psychology. Very few people — I’ve talked to a couple engineers who said that they didn’t take psychology, but I mean, some people, just a few people, will get away with not taking psychology. But more likely than not, if you took any class in college, you took Psychology 101. And it’s terrible, because you think you now know psychology. It’s like people who take one class in philosophy and think that they can philosophize about everything in the world. We take one class in psychology and think we know psychology.

Secondly, the acceptance of psychiatry into the medical community has changed the way we think about this issue of mental illness and has gone a long way toward psychologizing our culture.

Thirdly, over-diagnosis. All of us know someone who has been diagnosed with something. I can give you a brief list and it would hit most of us in the room when it comes to the people whom we know. We start with the one that is most popular today which is bipolar disorder. Secondly, depression. Thirdly, anxiety disorder — or social anxiety disorder, known as “SAD.” Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder — ADD or ADHD. Post-traumatic stress disorder. As long as we’ve been engaged in wars across the world, this one has become huge. It’s on everybody’s list these days.

And of course, the ubiquitous “chemical imbalance.”

All of us know somebody with one of these diagnoses. Many of us are somebody with one of these diagnoses.

Another reason that we’re psychologized — because of these drug commercials. [in mocking voice:] “Where does depression hurt? It hurts everywhere.” K? We see these commercials and they come at us — and folks, we believe that mental illness is actually the new norm. Movies and television programs, dramas, police dramas, where the psychologist is the one who knows everything about the person who’s doing this crime. Why? Because if you’re a psychologist, you are all-knowing. “This person is probably this age, and he probably grew up like this, and he probably has the” — all the while, you over here are looking at the other part of the movie that the cops are not seeing and what are you being told? The person with the psychology degree is god.

And “destigmatization”? Far from there being a stigma anymore with mental illness — and I’m not saying that it’s good or bad or whatever, for stigma — but there was stigma attached to mental illness — now we’re proud of our mental illnesses. We wear them like a badge. We won’t tell people our phone number but we’ll tell them our diagnoses.

We are living in a psychologized culture. Not only that, but there has been a marginalization of the church in this regard. How so? The overwhelming number of pastors who have any theological training have basically been given this kind of training when it comes to mental illness and mental disorders: “If somebody has a small problem you can help them. If they have a big problem, call a professional. Because God cannot handle mental illness.”

Pastors are taught that. Christians are taught that. And we believe that with every fiber of our being. And so we will run to a mental health professional, go get treatment, get put on psychotropic drugs, and not even consult our pastor. Why? “None on his business. Not his area.”

We’re gonna talk about how dangerous that mentality is.

Then of course there’s the history of psychology itself. We can spend a lot of time talking about this journey but let me just give you a picture because I want you to understand something. We believe that psychology and psychiatry are “sciences” like chemistry or physics. We believe that if somebody says you have a chemical disorder or a chemical imbalance that actually what has happened is they’ve given you a test and they have tested the level of chemicals in your body and because of that scientific test they now know your outside of ra—[cut off] we think about it, we think it’s sort of like blood pressure — “your systolic ought to be between here and here, your dystolic, you know, ought to be between here and here, and we, we can test you with a machine, and you’re not between here and here, therefore you have high blood pressure, you have low blood pressure.”

We think about the term “chemical imbalance” in that exact same way. Because we assume that these people are doing science. And most Christians don’t know that there is no such thing as chemical imbalance. There’s no test for it. There never has been a test for it.

Here’s the other thing: everybody’s chemistry is different. It’s like blood pressure, where you can go, “Here’s where these chemicals are supposed to be in your brain and here’s where they are in—“ — No, not like that.

Had a dear friend of mine over my house, we were having a discussion about this. Almost lost a friendship over this because somehow this issue came up, this whole chemical imbalance, bipolar, whatever. And I just sorta alluded to the fact that there’s no test for it and that it is not a scientific diagnosis. It’s not a medical diagnosis. And he said, “No, no, it is! Because I have a family member who has this and they’re treated for this and their doctor tested them for this!” And I said, “No, actually, they didn’t. They had a conversation about how they feel and how they function and then they were drugged.”  “No!” Picks up the phone in the midst of the discussion, calls his friend who’s also his family physician, and says, “Listen, I got, this is my buddy, my real buddy, but I think he’s out to lunch ‘cuz he’s trying to tell me that, there’s this chemical imbalance thing, that there’s no test for it, that it’s not scientific, that you guys, you know, treating my family member and you haven’t actually done any real medicine in order to determine that this —“ and you can just see him on the phone, his whole countenance changed. “What? What do you mean there’s no way you can test for that? What do you mean that there’s no way you can know for cert — what do you — what are you telling me?”

It’s a fact, folks. That’s why we use the term “syndrome” or “disorder.” There is no test for it. And if you look at the history of psychology what you see is a movement historically from one world view to the next to the next to the next to the next. And we believe a certain school of psychology, we start with structuralism and Wilhelm Wundt, then we moved to functionalism and people like William James, and of course psychoanalysis with Sigmund Freud, and — Why do we move from one of these to the others? Because we prove that they don’t work. And then Freud is found to be fraudulent and so we come to behavioralism. And in behavioralism we know people like Pavlov and B.F. Skinner and we, we’re there, and we get that, and we understand that that’s the new school of thought. Eventually you move from there to humanistic psychology. After that you move to Gestalt. All of these based on differing roles, norms, and morays within the psychological community.

Lot of people also don’t realize that the way these diagnoses come about — is, again, if it’s not through testing, ‘cuz here’s what you’re saying to me, “Now wait a minute, you’re saying these doctors aren’t testing people to determine that they have the — how do they come up with these diagnoses?” They vote. The psychological community gets together, they talk about groups of symptoms that they see, they give it a name, and if enough people in the room raise their hand, it gets into the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual and it becomes an official diagnosis.

Why is that important? Because that’s the only way that you can get insurance companies to pay for it. That’s it.

Can you imagine doctors voting on whether a heart attack is a heart attack? Taking a poll as to whether high blood pressure is high blood pressure? Opening you up, taking things out, hoping it solves your problem? “You feel better? We stay here. You don’t? We’ll go take something else.” We would not stand for it. But in the mental health community, we don’t even question it. That, my friends, is a huge problem.

Well, what’s the main problem with psychology, psychiatry? I don’t argue they’re of absolutely no value. But there are problems. Let me give them to you. And then we’ll look at Nebuchadnezzar and talk about some of the implications of these things.

Number one, it’s quasi-scientific at best. It’s quasi-scientific at best. That’s a problem.

And it’s really a problem because of the second problem, which is a lack of accountability. You see, if a physician, an MD, a heart specialist or whatever, if they go in and take out the wrong thing, you sue them for malpractice. Because they were supposed to test you, they were supposed to take images, they were supposed to know what they were doing — if they go in there and do the wrong thing, you’re in trouble. They make a mistake, you’re on the table, you die, they’re in trouble. There’s a malpractice lawsuit.

If a psychiatrist, based on a syndrome that was voted upon another group of psychiatrists, gives you a diagnosis and then gives you a drug and then as a side effect of that drug you go and commit suicide, you cannot sue them. Why? Because it wasn’t a scientific diagnosis in the first place. Therefore, they cannot be held specifically accountable when there is no specific thing they’re dealing with. And they hide behind this thing called “standards of practice.” Estimated that as many as 40,000 deaths a year are directly related to psychotropic drugs. And yet psychiatrists are not held accountable. Why? Because they’re not doing actual scientific tests. They’re not treating actual medical illnesses. Therefore, there’s a lack of accountability.

There’s also an absence of results. Let me say this and please hear me clearly: Psychiatry and psychology have never cured anyone of anything nor do they claim to be able to. Let me say that one more time slowly. Psychology and psychiatry — and they’re not the same thing, one’s a medical doctor who goes to medical school, a psychiatrist, gets a medical degree, k? And they can dispense drugs, and, and that’s pretty much all they do, just dispense drugs and [unintelligible] drugs — and the other one, a psychologist, you don’t go to medical school, that’s a complete different degree, k? But in both instances, psychology and psychiatry have never cured anyone of anything. By the way, in order to cure somebody, you need to be able to diagnose them accurately, right? If you can’t diagnose someone accurately, and there’s no test to demonstrate what a person has, how could you know if you cured them? You can’t. They’ve never cured anyone. They don’t claim to be able to cure anyone of anything. These things are important to know, folks. I’m not telling you my opinion, by the way. Everything I’ve stated for you up to this point is just pure fact.

Fourth problem. Dangerous side effects. Dangerous side effects. Just listen to one of the drug commercials. Dangerous side effects. “Here’s an antidepressant medication, k? You’re depressed so we want to give you this medication. By the way, if you start thinking about wanting to kill yourself or somebody else, call us immediately.” “Why?” “Because it’s one of the side effects of your medication.”

Wrong worldview. This is a problems with psychology and psychiatry. Wrong worldview. It’s based on a materialistic worldview that sees nature as a closed system and man basically as a machine. It does not account for the bipartite nature of the human being — that there is a physical side of him and that there is a spiritual side of him. They only treat the physical side, are not equipped to deal with the spiritual side. Don’t acknowledge it. Don’t account for it. They can’t.

And then there are the theological inconsistencies. Listen to this. Thomas Szasz, by the way, is a psychiatrist who is sort of at variance with his profession. ‘Cuz some of you right now are a little uncomfortable with the things I am saying. ‘Cuz we don’t talk about this about psychology and psychiatry. They get a free pass. They’re not questioned. Somebody says you’re bipolar, you’re bipolar. Somebody says you have clinical depression, you have clinical depression. Somebody says you have a chemical imbalance, you have a chemical imbalance. No questions asked. “Take this pill.” “Yes sir.” So we’re not used to talking like this. So, again. And who am I, right? I’m just a pastor, just a Bible-teacher guy, ok. Thomas Szasz is not a pastor. He’s not a Bible-teacher guy. He’s a psychiatrist. In 1961, he penned the classic “The Myth of Mental Illness,” where he refuted the idea that mental disorders were on par with physical illness and could therefore be treated with medication. In his view mental illness does not constitute actual disease but rather problems in living. I didn’t say that. A psychiatrist said that. I wouldn’t dare say that ‘cuz that’s not my field. I don’t have the authority to say that. He sorta does. And that’s what he says about his field.

And there’s no way to prove anything other than that.

Now as we move forward, let me help you here real quickly. If I want to say something this morning, I will say it. If I don’t say it, I didn’t mean to say it. Amen? I didn’t say there’s no such thing as mental illness. I didn’t say all psychologists and psychiatrists are going to hell. I didn’t say that nobody has real problems and that there’s nobody outside of the church who can help people — I didn’t say that. If I want to say that, I’ll say that. If I don’t want to say that, I won’t say that. But when a psychiatrist says something like this, I pay attention to it. ‘Cuz it’s his area that I am trying to understand.

But I also know that my area has a great deal to do with people’s problems. And whereas I recognize these folks, they don’t recognize me. That means they’re in the weeds, as far as I am concerned. Not because I’m anybody worth recognizing, but because this [picks up Bible] is not just worth recognizing, it demands recognition.

And so let’s look here at Nebuchadnezzar. We’ve looked at part of this and for the second time, let’s read over the main issues. First, let’s look at Nebuchadnezzar’s warning. Going down to verse 19, we’ve looked at much of this, but let’s go over verse 19. We’ll repeat some of the things that were there before:

“Then Daniel, whose name was Belteshazzar, was dismayed for a while—“ again, the king’s had a dream, he’s called his guys in, he finally calls Daniel in again, tells Daniel what the dream is, he’s amazed for a while and his thoughts alarmed him.

“The king answered him and said, ‘Belteshazzar, let not the dream or its interpretation alarm you.’ Belteshazzar answered and said, ‘My lord, may the dream be for those who hate you and its interpretation for your enemies! The tree you saw, which grew large and strong, with its top touching the sky, visible to the whole earth, whose leaves were beautiful and its fruit abundant, and in which was food for all; under which beasts of the field found shade, and in whose branches the birds of the heavens lived — it is you.”

So that tree, that’s you. That’s the first part of the dream, there’s the interpretation. So far, so good, right?

“It is you, O king, who have grown and become strong. Your greatness has grown and reaches to heaven, and your dominion to the ends of the earth. And because the king saw a watcher, a holy one, coming down from heaven and saying, ‘Chop down the tree and destroy it,’”

— not so good anymore —

“‘— but leave the stump of its roots in the earth, bound with a band of iron and bronze, in the tender grass of the field; and let him be wet with the dew of heaven; and let his portion be with the beasts of the field, till seven periods of time pass over him’; this is the interpretation, O king: It is a decree of the Most High, which has come upon my lord the king, that you shall be —“

— by the way, it’s a decree from the Most High. This is not God telling Nebuchadnezzar what is going to naturally happen to him because of a defect in his brain. This is God telling Nebuchadnezzar what He is going to do to him —

“— that you shall be driven from among men, and your dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field; you shall be made to eat grass like an ox, and you shall be wet with the dew of heaven. Seven periods of time shall pass over you,” —

— seven years —

“— till you know that the Most High rules the kingdom of men, and gives it to whom he will. And as it was commanded to leave the stump of the roots of the tree, your kingdom shall be confirmed for you for the time that you know that Heaven rules” —

— Or, “from the time that you know that Heaven rules” —

 

“— Therefore, O king, let my counsel be acceptable to you; break off your sins by practicing righteousness, and your iniquities by showing mercy to the oppressed, that there may perhaps be a lengthening of your prosperity.”

The warning is due directly to Nebuchadnezzar’s sins. Directly because of his sin. Period. End of discussion. “This is what’s going to happen to you because you have sinned against God. This is what lay ahead for you because you have sinned against God.” And so here in Daniel we see a direct link between sin and mental illness. And when I use the term “mental illness” I’m using the term that we all understand. And you’ll, you’ll see why I make that clarification here shortly. A direct link between his sin and what in an emergency room or in a primary care physician’s office would clearly be diagnosed as schizophrenia. A direct link to his sin.

Does that mean that everyone who has this issue has a sin problem? Well the answer to that of course is yes. Because we’ve all got a sin problem. But does that mean that everyone is struggling with this as a direct result of this sin problem? I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t say that.

But here’s what you also can’t say, and this is what psychology and psychiatry say: “People aren’t struggling with this because of a sin problem.” I would never say that everyone who has this, this, this, and this going on, it’s directly related to a particular sin. I wouldn’t be that arrogant. But psychology and psychiatry are arrogant enough to ignore the spiritual dimension of this altogether.

What are those sins? Well, particularly: pride, rebellion, a lack of repentance, and ultimately, mistaking God’s kindness for weakness. We see that beginning in verse 28:

“All this came upon King Nebuchadnezzar. At the end of twelve months he was walking on the roof of the royal palace of Babylon, and the king answered and said, ‘Is not this Babylon, which I have built by my mighty power as a royal residence and for the glory of my majesty?’” —

— Now, don’t miss this. It’s twelve months later. It’s a year later. You know this is what happened. Nebuchadnezzar probably got real scared for a little while. “This is what’s going to happen to you, King” — and then it didn’t happen. He probably changed his ways for while. And nothing happened. But his heart wasn’t changed. So twelve months later, what does he do? He’s walking around and he says, “Look at my kingdom and my greatness that I have built.” —

— “While the words were still in the king’s mouth, there fell a voice from heaven, ‘O King Nebuchadnezzar, to you it is spoken: The kingdom has departed from you, and you shall be driven from among men, and your dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field; and you shall be made to eat grass like an ox; and seven periods of time shall pass over you, until you have learned that the Most High rules the kingdom of men and gives it to whom he will.’”

There is a direct correlation here, is it not? Nebuchadnezzar says, “Look at what I have done! Look at what I have created! Look at how great I am!” God says, “I could make you eat grass, man. I could make it so you don’t even recognize this place anymore. I could make it so you don’t even know your own name anymore. Who do you think you are?” And that’s precisely what he does. God humbles this proud man and because his pride was inordinately large, his humiliation was inordinately significant.

Let’s look at Nebuchadnezzar’s “symptoms,” shall we? Verse 33:

“He was driven from among men, and ate grass like an ox, and his body was wet with the dew of heaven till his hair grew as long as eagles’ feathers, and his nails were like birds’ claws.”

He’s gone. He’s living out in the woods. That’s the idea of him being driven from among men. Hair’s not being taken care of, it’s just growing long and wild. Nails growing long like claws. And the man is literally eating like an animal — just stuff on the ground, and grass, and bugs and whatever else.

Now I alluded to this earlier. But go with me in your mind’s eye for a moment to today, when a man shows up in the emergency room — or in his primary care physician’s office — probably be the man and his wife, or maybe just the wife ‘cuz he’s over in the woods somewhere — and she says, “I was kinda wondering if somebody could come check on my husband.” “Well, what’s wrong with him?” “He’s lost his mind.” “Ok, m’am, that’s kinda of, you know, broad. Can you be more specific?” “Yes, he lives in the woods and he eats grass.”

Immediately they’d go get him. And then there would be a team assembled. What would the worldview of that team be? The worldview would be naturalistic materialism: “Nature is a closed system and everything we know, we know from our observation in nature.” That’s the worldview that guides this team. It is not biblical theism, but naturalistic materialism.

What is their anthropology? Their anthropology is that man is the result of evolutionary processes and that ultimately, though there may be a mind-body dichotomy, it is all physical. All physical. That’s their anthropology and that’s their doctrine of man. There is a mind-body dichotomy but ultimately all of that is physical. They do not see him as a bipartite human being, they don’t see the world as having a spiritual component, a supernatural component and a god, therefore they do not see man as having a spiritual component that relates directly to God.

And so what’s the team? Well, the primary care physician or the emergency room physician, they’d first go and talk to a neurologist. Somebody’s acting like this, you want to get a picture of their brain and make sure there’s not something in there pushing against their brain that’s making them act like this. And in that case, you go in there and you get it out. And there can be a cure. That’s what happens with medicine. But in this case, it’s not a tumor. Then you would get a psychiatrist.

Remember: a psychiatrist has one tool and one tool only, and that’s psychotropic drugs. To the man whose only tool is a hammer, everything in the world looks like a nail. Psychiatrist has a single tool — and it’s these powerful psychotropic drugs.

A clinical psychologist and a social worker, or a case worker. Why do you need a social worker or case worker? Because you’re going to have to house this man somewhere and that individual is going to oversee that part of it, where this person goes, where they’re housed while they’re being treated.

What about the treatment? Well, a psychotropic drug cocktail. Not a single drug, but a fistful of drugs in order to control and maintain this man to give him palliative care. In other words, to maintain him, to keep him from harming himself, and to give him some sort of reasonable expectation of a decent life.

What about the outlook? Here me when I say this: This team will have absolutely no hope of anything other than keeping this individual comfortable. They will not speak in terms of cure because they cannot speak in terms of cure. They cannot even speak in terms of accurately and scientifically diagnosing what this is. So how on earth could they speak in terms of cure?

Here’s the question we have to ask. Again, we understand and we believe in the sovereignty of God — amen, hallelujah, praise the Lord! — and that God brings this individual to his right mind. But can you imagine trying to get truth and the Gospel through to an individual who is on a cocktail, a fistful of powerful psychotropic drugs, has a flat affect, and stares off into the distance when you talk to him? Do you think that makes it easier or more difficult for a person to hear and heed and comprehend the Gospel?

Again, all things are possible with God. Amen? But we cannot ignore what would be done to an individual in a circumstance like this, can we? Do you notice anybody who’s not on this team? There’s no Daniel on this team. And Daniel is the only one who has an accurate diagnosis and any hope for this man to ever be cured. But he would not be allowed on this team. He would not be consulted by this team. Because his worldview doesn’t fit into this worldview.

Am I saying there’s no such thing as a doctor or a psychologist or a psychiatrist who has a right worldview? I told you consulted three people — remember, right here in this church — so no, that’s what I’m saying. But I’m saying those three people I consulted? They think the way they think in spite of their training, not because of their training. And all of them will tell you that they have been Christians practicing their craft longer than they have been Christians practicing their craft and applying a biblical worldview to it.

Let me explain what I just said. All of these individuals were wonderful, trained Christian physicians who would deal with the circumstance like this — all these individuals whom I consulted — Christians who think through this, who would think through this today biblically — every last one of them will tell you that for a large part of their professional career they were Christian physicians — psychologists — psychiatrists — or whatever — but they were not applying their biblical worldview to their work and their treatment of people like they are today. What that means is, if somebody came to them simply because they go to church and have their name on the roll, they would not have been getting someone who has operating in anything other than this worldview when it came to treatment.

Please understand that just because somebody is a Christian who’s a psychologist or a Christian who’s a psychiatrist doesn’t mean they understand the significant worldview implications and how to apply those in the treatment of people with so-called “mental illness.” So many Christians would lose it at that point: “Oh this person’s a Christian, and they told me to take this, therefore” — they might not know anything about how to apply biblical theological reality to handling these particular issues. And all they’ve got is their training.

They’re not going to put a Daniel on the team. As your pastor, I’m telling you: you need to. You need to. ‘Cuz they won’t. You need to. You need to bring that piece to bear. You have to bring that piece to bear. If you don’t, you are bowing to this worldview that negates your God. You can’t do that. You can’t do that.

Does that mean that this [tapping head] — it’s all good, it’s all fixed? No. That’s not what I’m saying. It was still going to be seven years, even with a Daniel on his team. Amen? Nor am I arguing — let me say this quickly — nor am I arguing that it’s wrong to help people and ameliorate their symptoms where we can. Saul is having when we would probably call anxiety attacks. What does he do? He goes and he gets David to play for him and he helps him with his symptoms. That’s a good thing. That’s mercy. That’s kindness. We don’t have to just let people run around and eat grass. Amen?

If you can help someone not run around and eat grass, let’s help someone not run around and eat grass. But there has to be something between turning him into a basic vegetable with a flat affect and allowing him to run around and eat grass. Can we at least agree on that? There’s got to be somewhere between those two. Amen? I am nowhere — by no means suggesting — that I am the one who knows for certain where that place is.

There is restoration. First, his reason is restored. Look at 34:

“At the end of the days—“

— And I just, you know, sometimes you read the Bible, and unless you’re careful, you just miss it. If, if you’re not, if you don’t read the Bible carefully, you just, you know, you read this “seven periods of time” and then the next verse, the next verse says, “At the end of the days.” And you and I read that within a couple of seconds. It took years. It took years. Don’t miss that fact. It was years. It was hard. There was pain and heartache for everyone who knew him and watched him go through it. They probably did everything they knew how to do. There was embarrassment, there was fear, there was shame, there was — on and on and on and on — all of that between those two verses. Don’t miss that. Please don’t miss that.

“At the end of the days, I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven,—“

— There’s hope, just there. —

“—and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives for ever; for his dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom endures from generation to generation; all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing; and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand    or say to him, ‘What have you done?’—“

Ha, you know what? When you’re in your right, when — First who’s he talking about? Me, me, me, me, me. He gets in his right mind and it’s God, God, God, God, God. I’m in my right mind because I know who God is. I know my reason has returned to me because I understand the nature of God. The person of God. The attributes of God. I get who God is. That’s where you want to be, folks. But that’s not even what we seek when it comes to these “mental illnesses,” so to speak. What do we seek? [mocking voices:] “I just want to feel better.” “I don’t feel good.”

And unfortunately we’re not talking to people who will take us by the hand and say, “You know what, sweetheart? In light of the way you’ve been living you shouldn’t feel good.” Turn to God. ‘Cuz I can give you stuff to mask the way you feel but it will not deal with the underlying problem. But we don’t believe we should ever not feel good.

God was so merciful — by the way, that’s enough right there. He also restores his fortune:

“At the same time my reason returned to me; and for the glory of my kingdom, my majesty and splendor returned to me. My counselors and my lords sought me, and I was established in my kingdom, and still more greatness was added to me. Now I, Nebuchadnezzar praise and extol and honor the King of heaven; for all his works are right and his ways are just; and those who walk in pride he is able to humble.”

Amen, hallelujah, praise the Lord! When you get in your right mind, you don’t turn around and say, “How dare God to that to me for seven years!” You turn around and say, “God is good! I didn’t deserve it as good — he gave me grass to eat! I didn’t have to have grass!” God is good. He even restores his fortunes.

What do we take away from this? This, this is what’s important. Please here this carefully. ‘Cuz again, I said to you, this is not about me giving you all the answers today. So what do we take away from this?

Number one, you are a bipartite human being. You are physical and spiritual. Do not ever, ever, ever allow anyone to treat you like you’re not. Not even your doctor. You are physical and you are spiritual. Don’t forget that.

Secondly, remember you live in a fallen world and you’re going to have bad days. You’re going to feel bad. Stuff’s not going to work. As we get older — how dare we think, “I’m going to get older, and my muscles and my joints are not going to work like they used to, but my mind is not going to have any of the effects of the Fall as I get older”? God help you if you believe that! That’s a mental illness right there!—Believing that your mind is not going to deteriorate in myriad ways as you get older. Believing that you’re supposed to be happy all the time. That’s a problem! That’s not the real world! Things happen and we’re supposed to feel bad about them!

I mean, for example, you hear all this talk about “post-traumatic stress disorder” — with the guys coming back from Afghanistan and Iraq. Can I just sorta give you a little bit of perspective on that? Here’s what we’re saying, and unfortunately we’re not thinking this through: A guy goes to a place for a year or two years where it’s kill or be killed everyday. He takes countless human lives, he sees his friends and comrades fall by his side, he sees more than one man who placed his life in his hands go home in a box, he has to kill people — sometimes very young people — who are trying to kill him, he comes back, he has night sweats, he has nightmares and he’s jittery and we say he has a disorder! No, I say the man who comes back and doesn’t have that response is the one with a disorder! That man’s human. We’re not made to do that to other human beings or see it done to human beings in our presence. And when we respond like a human being should respond to seeing something like that, we say it’s a “disorder” because we believe that human life is supposed to always be at peace. We have a problem.

Death comes to your door. You’re supposed to mourn. And we want to drug you so you don’t. You hear me? Teenagers are up one day in the stratosphere, down the next in the doldrums, as teenagers always have been, and we want to drug them. Boys are taken to a school where they are told, “Sit in that chair, be still, look at me, don’t make noise, don’t tap your foot, don’t tap your pencil, don’t hum, don’t look out the window, don’t daydream” — and when they don’t reach that, we drug them — as children, for years, with a drug whose long term side effects we don’t yet know.

We have a problem, people. We live in a fallen world and we act like it’s all supposed to be a bed of roses. “Man, born of a woman, lives but a few days, and those days are filled with trouble.”

Thirdly, your sin has physical and emotional consequences. Your sin has physical and emotional consequences. I did not say everything that everyone ever deals with, is, always, go back to a verse that they need to — that’s not what I said. Hear what I’m saying. Your sin has real physical and emotional consequences. Proverbs 26:13: “The sluggard” — by the way, that’s sin — “The sluggard says, ‘There is a lion in the road, there’s a lion in the streets.” The sin of slothfulness — contributing to anxiety! Must need a pill! No, it’s a sin problem at the root of that! Proverbs 28:1: “The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as lions.” The wicked are fleeing when no one’s pursuing — there’s paranoia, directly related to wickedness! Psalms 31:10: “For my life is spent with sorrow, my years with sighing, my strength fails because of my iniquity and my bones waste away.” Physical consequences because of sin. James 5, beginning at verse 13. We talk about this every week: “Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord and the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed.” And another one that we read every week, 1 Corinthians 11, beginning at verse 27: “Whoever therefore eats the” — this is talking about the Lord’s Supper — “Whoever eats the bread and drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of who are weak and ill and some have died.”

Four, we come away from this recognizing that there is real evil in the world. There is real evil in the world. And often times — and we haven’t talked about this — often times what we’re dealing with is some of that real evil in the world. Ephesians 6:11 and 12: “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” That’s real, people. And there’s no pill for that. 2 Corinthians 10:3-6: “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience when your obedience is complete.”

Five, a psychiatric disorder is not a medical disease. A psychiatric disorder is not a medical disease. One more time: a psychiatric disorder is not a medical disease. And I know there are people who will fight you — literally who will fist-fight you over saying this ‘cuz their physician, psychologist, psychiatrist told them they have a diagnosis and you better not challenge that ‘cuz a medical professional said it. How dare you say otherwise? Actually, I’m agreeing with the medical professional. The reason they said “disorder” or “syndrome” is because it is not a disease. The reason they didn’t give you a test for it, is because it’s not a disease. It’s not the same thing. Now, here what I didn’t say. I didn’t say there’s nothing wrong with you. I can’t say that. What I did say is that you do not have a medical diagnosis. It’s not a disease. And, and it’s time to, to, to expose the man behind the curtain on this one. Because he’s been parading as the great and powerful Oz for far too long.

Again, Thomas Szasz (a psychiatrist, not me): “My view is that there is no mental illness and hence also no therapy, psychotherapy. Therapy, then, is a particular kind of human relationship aimed at helping people cope with their problems in living. This makes it necessary to reframe some of the questions you pose.”

Amen! That’s just honest, folks.

Six, there is no evidence that psychotropic drugs cure any problem or disorder. To my knowledge, there is not one recorded cure of a mental illness anywhere on Planet Earth ever, ever, ever, ever, ever — which makes sense, since there’s never been an actual, accurate, scientific diagnosis of anything to cure.

Seven, psychotropic drugs mask or ameliorate symptoms and have severe, potentially deadly, long-term side effects. Again, these drugs don’t cure anything. They mask symptoms or they ameliorate symptoms. They lessen the symptoms but they do not cure anything. And by the way, psychology and psychiatry are not the only places where this is true. Those of us who take high blood pressure medication — that doesn’t cure anything. It’s helpful, keep your blood pressure down, better than have your blood pressure up, but it will not cure blood pressure. So they give you blood pressure medication, you don’t take that and come back to see if you’re cured. You take that and come back and see if you got enough of it — ok, so I’m not, there’s a lot of places where you’re not experiencing cures. In fact, there are very few places in medicine at all where you experience a cure. A surgeon — you got appendicitis — they can go in, they can cut you open, and take out that appendix — that thing’s cured, you’re not going to have appendicitis anymore, k? But there are very few things like that, you know? If there’s, there’s, a bacterial infection, and they give you antibiotics, antibiotics go in there and do their thing, attack that infection, help your body fight off that infection, you can cure that particular infection. Other than that, in most of medicine, there’s only management of symptoms and not cure. K? So I’m not even being unduly harsh here on those who dispense psychotropic drugs by saying that. And let me say again, this is an indisputable fact, not an opinion.

Here’s the other thing. This is what’s really scary, and I really want you to hear this: Psychotropic drugs are often highly addictive and difficult, even dangerous, to quit. I am not telling you today to go get off from whatever somebody put on. Amen, somebody! I’m not telling you that. I’m not telling you that, I can’t tell you that. It can be dangerous for you to go off that stuff. And that’s part of what’s so horrible about this — ‘cuz you never just get one, it’s like Lay’s Potato Chips, you can’t eat just one. They give you a drug, that drug has side effects, so they give you another drug to balance out those side effects. But of course the drug to balance out the side effects of the first drug has side effects, so they give you another drug to balance out the side effects of the drug they gave you to balance out the side effects of the first drug. And so on and so forth and so forth. And then all of a sudden, these drugs are no longer effective, so they have to go find other drugs that will go and will, will, will, you see? You try to get off something like that and your body will rebel and it might shut down. In fact, you can’t even get off of a drug like caffeine without side effects.

There’s some of you in here who are addicted to caffeine. By the way, it’s the exact same principle: I get up in the morning and I don’t feel good. I’m supposed to feel good. There is a drug with which I can self-medicate to make myself feel good. I will get this drug into me so that I feel good and then I will be able to go throughout the day. If I don’t get this drug into me, I will sin against you but I won’t call it sin, I will refer to my self-diagnosis of a lack of caffeine and you must understand that it’s not me, it’s the disease. If you can’t say amen, you ought to say ouch! It’s the exact same thing, people.

So if you can’t just get off of caffeine without headaches and blurred vision, your crankiness and all this other stuff, don’t try to go get off Paxil by yourself, Zoloft, whatever, ok? Don’t do that. Those things are powerful, powerful drugs and they’re addictive drugs.

By the way, you put these together — I can’t give you an actual, real, scientific diagnosis ‘cuz I can’t really test you for what your problem is; I can, however, give you some very powerful, addictive psychotropic drugs that will make you feel differently, not necessarily better, but differently, and if you don’t like the way you felt before, then you will think it’s better but it’s not better, it’s just different, but it will make you feel differently, then we’ll give you some other drugs to balance out those drugs, by the way, there’s no cure, which means for the rest of your life I’m going to have you on these powerful psychotropic drugs — ah, don’t you, somebody’s gotta be making some money off of that, huh?

Most mental problems — know this — are caused by underlying spiritual or physical conditions. Do you know, for example, that a lack of sleep, dehydration, poor diet and exercise, tragedy and loss, sin and immorality, all these things can lead to depression? And if you take medication for depression, none of those things goes away. You just mask the symptoms. If you go see a doctor, and they don’t ask you how much sleep you’ve gotten in the last 7 hours, or 7 days, or, they don’t ask you how you’re eating and how you’re exercising, but they’re going to give you some psychotropic drugs — run.

Finally, I said this before, and I’ll say this again: psychotropic drugs are not the only possible solution. They’re not the only possible solution. We see that here in Nebuchadnezzar’s life. We see it also throughout the Scriptures, do we not? If you feel bad, there might be something causing you to feel bad. You can get to that without drugs. You have a problem focusing? They’re might be something causing you to have a problem focusing. Deal with that. You can deal with that. It’s not the only answer.

You have these kinds of issues, I encourage you to see your primary care physician. We got folks here in this church: biblical worldview, medical training who can help you. There might be something pressing against your brain, making you hear voices or see things that aren’t there. There’s treatment for that. Real medical treatment for that. But there also may be some other underlying issues.

If you’re here today and you’re being treated by someone for a mental illness, and you have not informed your elders — first, I want to ask you a question. Why on God’s green earth would you do that? Why? By the way, I can tell you the answer: Because you’ve bought the lie. You’ve bought the lie that says there’s that side of the world that deals with real problems and there’s this side of the world that gives you pep talks once a week — and that this side of the world has nothing to offer for those real problems that there’s no test for and no cure for on that other side of the world.

Don’t buy that lie. Don’t buy that lie. Again, here’s what I didn’t say: You come to us and all that stuff gets fixed. Back of the room, five minutes, slap you on the forehead, you fall down, you got — [laughter] — that’s not what I said. I would never, ever, ever suggest that. Remember what I said about the time between those two verses? It’s seven years there. Some of these things take a long time but here’s what I’m not willing to accept: the idea that you would walk through all those years treating some sort of mental illness with people who will never even be open to the possibility that there is a spiritual root cause and a spiritual answer and that you at least owe it to yourself to pursue it.

‘Cuz here’s what I know. The God I serve gave his son to die for sin. And he didn’t kinda die, he really died. Three days dead. Resurrected on the third day. Has ascended to and is seated to the right hand of the Father in glory. And as I’ve said before and will say again as long as I live, whatever you are facing is not bigger than a dead Jesus. And if the power that raised Christ from the dead is available to you, how dare you be hopeless! We can be a lot of things. Hopeless? Not allowed. Not if we know Christ. But if you don’t know Christ, here’s what I want you to hear today: You have bad days. You have bad feelings. You have bad thoughts. You have physical manifestations because of the sin in your life and your only hope is psychotropic drugs to treat a problem that cannot be accurately or scientifically diagnosed for the rest of your life — that’s you apart from Christ. There is no hope there. None whatsoever.

But here’s what’s worse: Even if you and I both spend the rest of our lives in despair, mine’s going to end one day at the throne of grace where all will be made right. What are you looking forward to? Run to Christ. He is your only hope. There is hope in none other. Call on him while there is time. Cling to him with everything you have. Turn from your sin and turn to the only one who can redeem you, forgive you, heal you, and make you whole.

Finally, if you’ve been upset or offended by anything I’ve said today, I want to ask you a question: Why? Why? There was merely the assertion of fact rooted in a biblical understanding of the way we are created. What is that you are clinging to that would make you chafe against the Word of God when applied to the most significant things in your life? Be free.

[end transcript]

“Direct Link Between Sin and Mental Illness”: The Mental Health Denialism of Voddie Baucham

By R.L. Stollar, HA Community Coordinator

Click here to read other transcripts by and posts about Voddie Baucham.

I recently listened to Voddie Baucham’s sermon “Nebuchadnezzar Loses His Mind.” Baucham is a popular speaker at Christian homeschool conventions — particularly as an advocate of corporal punishment for shy children and the stay-at-home-daughter movement. Baucham is also the Pastor of Preaching at Grace Family Baptist, where he delivered this sermon on April 8, 2012. Using a tenuous and strained exegesis of Daniel 4:4-37 and an extraordinarily outdated 1950’s anti-psychiatry worldview from Thomas Szasz, Baucham attempts to answer the following 2 questions: (1) What is the biblical view of mental health? And (2) How should Christians think about what he calls “the mental health industry”?

Here is Grace Family Baptist’s full description of the sermon:

It is difficult to go through Daniel chapter 4 without realizing that, in our day and time, Nebuchadnezzar would have been diagnosed with some type of mental disorder, medicated to the point of absurdity, and put in an institution with little or no hope of returning to a normal life.

But, what is the Biblical view of mental health? How should we as Christians (and especially Pastors) look at the “mental health” industry? In this sermon, Pastor Voddie gives a Biblical look at these issues.

I transcribed the entire sermon, which you can view here. Below are a few of the “highlights” from it (in other words, the more disturbing and triggering parts):

Baucham using Jesus’s simple emotional changes to make light of mental illness:

Let’s talk about Jesus, shall we? In the Garden of Gethsemane, where he experiences a classic instance of anxiety. Or better yet, when he comes to the tomb of Lazarus, weeping, there in depression, but then resuscitates Lazarus, and they celebrate — now he’s bipolar. Let’s not even talk about the Psalms, where you find every manner of what we would define as “mental illness” expressed by the psalmist himself.

Claiming there’s no such thing as mental health stigma:

We’re psychologized — because of these drug commercials. [in mocking voice:] “Where does depression hurt? It hurts everywhere.” K? We see these commercials and they come at us — and folks, we believe that mental illness is actually the new norm. Movies and television programs, dramas, police dramas, where the psychologist is the one who knows everything about the person who’s doing this crime. Why? Because if you’re a psychologist, you are all-knowing. “This person is probably this age, and he probably grew up like this, and he probably has the” — all the while, you over here are looking at the other part of the movie that the cops are not seeing and what are you being told? The person with the psychology degree is god. And “destigmatization”? Far from there being a stigma anymore with mental illness…now we’re proud of our mental illnesses. We wear them like a badge.

Denying the real existence of chemical imbalances:

Most Christians don’t know that there is no such thing as chemical imbalance.

Baucham belittling psychologists and psychiatrists:

Psychology and psychiatry — and they’re not the same thing, one’s a medical doctor who goes to medical school, a psychiatrist, gets a medical degree, k? And they can dispense drugs, and, and that’s pretty much all they do, just dispense drugs and [unintelligible] drugs — and the other one, a psychologist, you don’t go to medical school, that’s a complete different degree, k? But in both instances, psychology and psychiatry have never cured anyone of anything.

This wild claim:

Everything I’ve stated for you up to this point is just pure fact.

Claiming sin and mental illness have “a direct link”:

The warning is due directly to Nebuchadnezzar’s sins. Directly because of his sin. Period. End of discussion. “This is what’s going to happen to you because you have sinned against God. This is what lay ahead for you because you have sinned against God.” And so here in Daniel we see a direct link between sin and mental illness. And when I use the term “mental illness” I’m using the term that we all understand. And you’ll, you’ll see why I make that clarification here shortly. A direct link between his sin and what in an emergency room or in a primary care physician’s office would clearly be diagnosed as schizophrenia. A direct link to his sin.

Trying to make the above “direct link” more palatable by reminding everyone of original sin:

Does that mean that everyone who has this issue has a sin problem? Well the answer to that of course is yes. Because we’ve all got a sin problem. But does that mean that everyone is struggling with this as a direct result of this sin problem? I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t say that.

Worrying more about preaching the Gospel to someone who’s having a medical emergency than getting that person medical help:

Can you imagine trying to get truth and the Gospel through to an individual who is on a cocktail, a fistful of powerful psychotropic drugs, has a flat affect, and stares off into the distance when you talk to him? Do you think that makes it easier or more difficult for a person to hear and heed and comprehend the Gospel?

Encouraging people to tell mentally ill individuals that they shouldn’t feel good:

I get who God is. That’s where you want to be, folks. But that’s not even what we seek when it comes to these “mental illnesses,” so to speak. What do we seek? [mocking voices:] “I just want to feel better.” “I don’t feel good.” And unfortunately we’re not talking to people who will take us by the hand and say, “You know what, sweetheart? In light of the way you’ve been living you shouldn’t feel good.” Turn to God.

Again claiming sin leads to mental illness, and that people should pray their illnesses away:

Your sin has real physical and emotional consequences. Proverbs 26:13: “The sluggard” — by the way, that’s sin — “The sluggard says, ‘There is a lion in the road, there’s a lion in the streets.” The sin of slothfulness — contributing to anxiety! Must need a pill! No, it’s a sin problem at the root of that! Proverbs 28:1: “The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as lions.” The wicked are fleeing when no one’s pursuing — there’s paranoia, directly related to wickedness! Psalms 31:10: “For my life is spent with sorrow, my years with sighing, my strength fails because of my iniquity and my bones waste away.” Physical consequences because of sin. James 5, beginning at verse 13. We talk about this every week: “Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord and the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed.” And another one that we read every week, 1 Corinthians 11, beginning at verse 27: “Whoever therefore eats the” — this is talking about the Lord’s Supper — “Whoever eats the bread and drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of who are weak and ill and some have died.”

Baucham linking evil spiritual forces with mental illness:

There is real evil in the world. And often times — and we haven’t talked about this — often times what we’re dealing with is some of that real evil in the world. Ephesians 6:11 and 12: “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” That’s real, people. And there’s no pill for that.

This bizarre analogy between caffeine and mental illness:

There’s some of you in here who are addicted to caffeine. By the way, it’s the exact same principle: I get up in the morning and I don’t feel good. I’m supposed to feel good. There is a drug with which I can self-medicate to make myself feel good. I will get this drug into me so that I feel good and then I will be able to go throughout the day. If I don’t get this drug into me, I will sin against you but I won’t call it sin, I will refer to my self-diagnosis of a lack of caffeine and you must understand that it’s not me, it’s the disease. If you can’t say amen, you ought to say ouch! It’s the exact same thing, people.

Baucham shaming everyone into telling their pastors about their intimate medical histories:

If you’re here today and you’re being treated by someone for a mental illness, and you have not informed your elders — first, I want to ask you a question. Why on God’s green earth would you do that? Why? By the way, I can tell you the answer: Because you’ve bought the lie.

Claiming that if you’re upset about any of the above statements, it’s because you just don’t like God’s Word:

If you’ve been upset or offended by anything I’ve said today, I want to ask you a question: Why? Why? There was merely the assertion of fact rooted in a biblical understanding of the way we are created. What is that you are clinging to that would make you chafe against the Word of God when applied to the most significant things in your life?

On Death (And Life)

CC image courtesy of Flickr, Catarina Oberlander. Image links to source.
CC image courtesy of Flickr, Catarina Oberlander. Image links to source.

HA note: The following is reprinted with permission from Kierstyn King’s blog Bridging the Gap.  It was originally published on November 28, 2014.

Cynthia Jeub touched on this in the first part of her post “Freeing Self-Deceived Fundamentalists“. My family has glorified death for a really long time. I remember Columbine, like she was talking about – being something almost revered – not remotely tragic. When things were shitty(-er than normal) or if I was making a life choice my mom didn’t agree with she would say “well the end times are coming and we’ll be raptured soon [so we won’t have deal with XYZ]”. Going to heaven was all my parents really cared about, they instilled a sense of life being almost useless into me, unintentionally.

Why bother living here when life will be so much better after you die?

When parents neglect or kill their children because they think god told them to or that they’re saving them.

When parents talk about how brave Abraham was for almost murdering Isaac.

When I remember that my parents coped with my two still-born siblings by talking about how lucky they were that they got to be in heaven while we had to suffer on earth…

I used to be afraid, or worried sometimes……..that something like that would happen. That “god” would tell my parents to murder us, and they would. Or that I would be murdered (martyred) because I was a (true) christian in America, and I would look down that gun barrel at Columbine and say “Jesus will save me” or “Get behind me satan” or whatever clever bible phrase I could come up with before my imminent death.

And my parents wouldn’t mourn – they’d talk about how much better off I was dead than alive, how everyone needs to be a christian so they can wait out their miserable existence and go to paradise.

It’s really depressing thinking about it. But it explains a lot about why, I guess, I’ve rarely been afraid of dying and have always just been kinda nonchalant about it.

It’s not a good thing, because it adds intensity to depression: why bother living, anyway? Now that I don’t believe in god and don’t believe that suicide would nullify my non-existent salvation.

But when I was a child…

The emphasis my parents put on dying and going to heaven always bothered me.

It was like they were so ready for our lives to be over.

They didn’t want to live.

They communicated that living was a waste of time. After all, we’re citizens of heaven, not earth, so why care about the world?

And that always fucked with me because I wanted to live, and I felt guilty for wanting to live, fully, and make the most of my time and help people while I was here, and even, (gaspenjoy my life here. Because some part of me understood that being here mattered, even though I didn’t – and sometimes still don’t – know why.

I was so hurt when my mom would rather I die/be raptured than marry my spouse. She said, hopefully, that Jesus would probably come back before I even had that chance.

I can’t explain to you with words how much that messes with a person. When your parents whole life revolves around the end of their, yours, and everyone else’s life………when rapture is the answer to things that you don’t like…and pretend like everyone who wants to live and love now is silly because obviously they should just be working on getting into heaven.

Everything my parents do is motivated by being the best christians so they get all the heavenly kudos.

I think my parents were really really depressed.

And I think that messed with me in a lot of ways, too.

I Am Learning To Love Myself: Mara’s Story, Part Two

Screen Shot 2014-07-01 at 10.29.15 AM

HA note: The author’s name has been changed to ensure anonymity. “Mara” is a pseudonym.

< Part One

Part Two

My mother probably has both undiagnosed bipolar and borderline, but her symptoms then were not as bad as they have gotten to be. She also is extremely intelligent and manipulative. Unless you know her, it’s very hard to see.

Appearance was huge in the church. They harped on gluttony as a major sin. Almost all of the girls in my family growing up were rail thin. My sister, who we later found out had a food allergy and intolerances, was not overweight by any means but just slightly heavier than all of us. My mother, who had been slightly overweight growing up, saw this as one of her greatest disappointments — a visible sin for all the church to see. She would get my sister up early in the morning to run on the treadmill, watch and restrict her diet, and spank her if she didn’t lose weight. My best friend, who also went through the loss of one of her closest friends and was big-boned but not overweight, would also be harped on her by her family for what they saw as sin.

The year before puberty — when fluctuating hormones cause bloating — was the worse for all of the girls at church. We would be sat down by parents and told that they were afraid we were gaining weight and that we needed to exercise more and watch our diet so that we weren’t sinning.

Almost all the girls in my family or in my best friend’s family have struggled with anorexia or bulimia at some point in time.

My mother would tell my sister that no one would want to be around her if she was fat and that people wouldn’t find her attractive. My sister became very reclusive — hiding in her rooms behind books or playing with animals, not people. When in public she would almost look down on others before they had a chance to tell her anything my mother said they would. My sister also hated all the ditzy little girls her age who played stupid to get attention, she hated attention and could not understand why they would want to attract it.

When I was 16, my best friend’s older sister (who I was close with) invited me to a birthday party she was having and didn’t invite my little sister. My mom believed in almost complete inclusivity and anytime our friends came over, we had to allow anyone who wanted to be with us in the room all the way down to the babies.

My mom took this exclusion personally and took all her anger at the other family out on me. She would get mad at me if I saw my best friend without taking my sister, even though my sister didn’t really want to go. She would tell me how I was in sin for not confronting my friend and her family for excluding my sister and then tell me I couldn’t tell anyone in the church about it because it might “embarrass” my sister. I was told that if I had a problem with her I could get “help” from my great-aunt who got offended and hurt for my mother if I said anything assertive or had any problem with my mother. After two or three years of this, I finally caved and told my best friend’s mom who ended up becoming a second mother to me. My mother left the church at this time and I kept going alone because my best friend went to this church. I didn’t have any other friends (as children we were told to tell people about 1 Cor 14 church and, if they didn’t immediately convert, it was sin to be spending time with them).

During this period of time, I started struggling with depression.

To deal with my father I had to turn off all emotion and feelings or he would sense it and use it against me. I couldn’t ever talk to him in any way unless I was challenging his actions toward my mom or my mom would become hurt and guilt us. My mother would become offended if I had any personal feelings and preferred me as her emotional caretaker than as her daughter. The church taught us that any negative feelings were a sin and it was our job to “take them captive.” Depression was viewed as a sin and medication the epitome of not trusting God – that it stemmed from some unknown root of bitterness that we were supposed to work out.

My mother’s swings became worse and worse and I started seeking an escape from that house. I was taught in church that we are under our family’s authority and if there wasn’t a bible verse contradicting what they were telling us to do, than we were supposed to do it. My mother didn’t want me to leave, so I felt chained down.

One thing that I am glad about is that all the fighting led my mother to both hate men and fantasize about them. She believed all of her girls needed to have a stable career as soon as possible so that they didn’t have to rely on men. She also believed that the school system repeated the last 2 years of high-school in college. So, when I was 15, I CLEP 5 college classes and, when I was 16 began prerequisites for nursing school. I finished at the age of 21 with a BSN in nursing and to this day, at the age of 26, I have had 8 years of hospital experience, 6 as an ER/ICU nurse. I am a hard worker and I can have a steady, self-supporting job anywhere I want at any time.

I met a boy through one of the extracurricular activities and we became close. He was a good, homeschooled, Christian boy who was very outspoken. He didn’t live in the area and, therefore, didn’t go to my church he just went to a regular church. He was very opinionated on what sin was and what it wasn’t and, after church, his whole family would stand around and talk about how the other members in the church were hypocrites and in sin. I had saved all of myself, first kiss and everything. We began “courting” or hanging out with each other’s family. But one thing led to another and he leaned in and kissed me one night despite my trying to wiggle free. I was 21 at the time and felt so guilty for kissing him, for tempting him and not staying strong enough, for being alone with him.

I didn’t tell anyone because I knew it would be my fault and I wouldn’t be allowed with him again.

Part Three >

16 Things I Wish My 16-Year-Old Self Knew About Mental Health, Part Four

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HA note: A while ago we asked members of the Homeschoolers Anonymous community what they wished their 16-year-old selves knew about mental health. We received a significant number of responses, so we’re going to run 4 sets of “16 things” throughout this week. Each set is a group post compiled from various people’s answers.

< Part Three

Part Four

1. I wish my 16-year-old self knew about personality disorders and that I would soon know people with them, and how to navigate knowing who I was talking to when it was not that person but one of their many personalities — and this was OK, not demon possession or someone just doing some sort of elaborate fakery.

2. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that masturbation isn’t a sin, that everyone lusts and fantasizes (and noticing that a girl has boobs doesn’t even count as lust), and that — most importantly — a healthy sex drive is absolutely not worth contemplating suicide over.

3. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that it wasn’t her fault when her parents would fight. I wish someone had taken the time to tell her that instead of just pretending that everything was fine when it wasn’t.

4. I wish I could give my 16-year-old self a hug. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that she is loved.

5. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that she wasn’t “fat” because she read books and stayed inside, but because she was depressed. She wasn’t “fat” at all.

6. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that eating right, praying right, thinking right, and doing right are not foolproof ways to ward off mental illness. Sometimes illness just happens, and it isn’t because you aren’t perfect enough.

7. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that when my mom went crazy on us kids, screaming and changing history, it wasn’t our fault.

8. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that I was beautiful and it was ok. I wish I knew that normal people didn’t feel guilty all the time. I wish I knew that being grown-up didn’t mean no fun or happiness. I wish I knew that being imperfect didn’t make me a failure, it just made me human.

9. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that it is better on the outside of the dark, rigid, insulated little world I had grown up in. I thought that the world was a scary, hard, miserable place and that everyone basically toiled along fighting emptiness. That’s what I was preparing myself to go out into. And then to get out into the rest of the world and find that, yes, it can be hard and scary and heartbreaking but that it’s also beautiful and challenging and exciting and has so much light and hope and good… I wish I had known that.

10. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that not wanting to be around people is normal. It just means you’re a really big introvert.

11. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that I had a learning disability. I wasn’t stupid. I was just as smart as my brothers. I just learned differently.

12. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that I had other options as a Woman, that Women everywhere are strong and have careers and didn’t just get married and have a ton of kids and stuck being house wives forever.

13. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that it wasn’t her responsibility to keep the family together — and that it wasn’t her fault that things fell apart. She did everything she could.

14. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that my mother was wrong when she responded “how can you do this to me” when she found out I was suicidal.

15. I wish my 16-year-old self knew that disagreeing with my parents or — god forbid — being angry with them wouldn’t send me to hell. I wish my 16-year-old self knew how to speak up, and how to speak out.

16. I wish my 16-year-old self knew YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. And someday you will meet others, and you will feel better than you ever thought was possible because of it.

End of series.