HA note: The author’s name has been changed to ensure anonymity. “Arachne” is a pseudonym. Arachne blogs at Past, Present, and Future.
A new year is about to start. I am looking forward to it.
This is a new development. I spent years making suicide plans for New Years Eve. The holidays were the worst time of the year for me. That has changed. I survived. I never thought I would, but I did. The hell is over. Gone. Done. I can look forward now and I can be happy. Breathe, even. I guess all the therapy, psychiatric medications, hard decisions, tearful conversations with friends, and general struggles have finally paid off.
I started praying again.
It doesn’t hurt anymore. Of course, my idea of prayer is now very different from what I was raised with. Not so much with the trying to atone for my innumerable sins and the sins of the world. I feel like I have a relationship and connection to Divinity. I am loved and accepted.
I have plenty of anecdotes I could relate. There was the semi-cult at a super traditional Catholic church with a whole gaggle of denim jumper wearing homeschoolers. There was being the eldest child and being female in a strictly patriarchal large family. There was the father who broke the dining table chairs into pieces when he was angry. An emotionally manipulative and unstable mother overwhelmed with the life she believed God commanded her to live. The leather belt they both used. It goes on, but for me, those days are over and those people are no longer in my life. So what comes next?
I don’t know. There’s no plan. It’s terrifying.
If I could wave a magic wand and erase the past, I would.
Trust me. In a heartbeat. I think about it over and over. What would I have been like if I’d had a decent education? If I hadn’t been abused and controlled by the people who had total power over me, where would I be? Did I ever have a chance at being “normal”? What the fuck is normal? I will never know. At some point, I have to step away and live my life now while accepting who I am and how I was shaped.
There’s only so much I can leave behind, and I’m not saying I’ve moved on. I doubt I ever truly will. I can’t forget my entire childhood. My body is covered in scars from my struggles with self-injury. Depression and anxiety will likely stick with me, even though they are managed now. Catholic guilt fades but doesn’t seem to ever quite go away. There will be many more times when I break down and cry over the past.
All I can do now is figure out how to work with what I have now, and when I take inventory it feels incredible.
I have two wonderful kids who are being raised totally different from how I was, wonderful people in my life, a brain that has some quirky wiring but that still works pretty well, physical health, a spiritual path that has taken me places I never dreamed of going, and so much more.
I have strength. I have freedom.
Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
Wow, I really identify with all of this… Oldest/Catholic/female/patriarchal/jumpers/homeschoolers/cultish elements. Suicide. Emotionally manipulative and unstable mother.
But the good thing is: “quirky wiring but still works ok”. ; )
Thanks for this.
Btw, about that good advice to “not let the bastards grind you down”..
Let me tell you that it is NEVER too late to finally stand up.
I hope someone reading this, can take heart. Cuz we’ve been there!!
I’m glad your doing better and willing to share. Just remember there are plenty of people in the world who will like you for you sometimes its hard to find them, but they are out there in spades.